1. Memori

    Memori Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    Hi I am new to this forum, I have an elderly parent who will not let me help, they have got very forgetful, and refuses to see the Doctor, I also worry if she is eating enough as she forgets what she has eaten, she does not go out much at all now, but keeps saying that she must go somewhere tomorrow but does not go, she lives alone and I can only get to visit once a week most weeks, she is not taking care of her appearance and is not looking well, how do I get her help without offending her, I would have her to live with me, but she does not want to move, and I know that I may have to move in with her but that will be quite a problem, I dont know if she has Alzheimers but it is possible, I speak to her every day on the phone, and some days she thinks I am still there and have not gone home, If she had to go to hospital or move I think it would make her worse, she does not have many friends to visit her and I am the only help she has, should I call her doctor or wait untill she has to have help?
  2. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    She sounds exactly like my Mother who is 90 and really should not be living alone but is of the generation who stubbornly refuse to go into a nursing home and any move would cause more confusion

    you cant force them to do anything and nor can the doctors etc you simply have to sit back and wait for the crisis to happen

    They seem quite happy in their own shrinking world and are unable to see or comprehend what is happening to them
  3. JT13

    JT13 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2006
    Hi Memori,

    Sounds like we're all in the same boat. I agree with Helena. You can't force or make her do what she doesn't want. Helena used the word "crisis"... may sound drastic but it's true.

    Hi Helena, hope you're hanging in there well. I'm at wits end as it's getting worst month by month.
  4. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I think you should let her doctor and social services know how you feel, but of course you can't force anyone to accept help if she won't let them in.


  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Memori,
    As flu injections are looming, could you take mum for hers (having already prewarned her GP about your concerns) and get him to have a look at her that way. If it is AD there are drugs that may slow down the process.
    No you can't force people to accept help, but sometimes by steady pressure you can wear down their resolve not to.
    Love Helen
  6. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    Some people wont like me to say it but I have come to the conclusion that we have to simply step back and let them get on with it

    Worrying about it , wearing yourself to a frazzle and trying to help or get help is simply pointless

    I think we have to be cruel to be kind ...........interfering only prolongs the agonies

    While my Mothers neighbours and myself and my sister feel Mother ought to be in a nursing home the stress of trying to convince her is simply not worth a candle

    We all have a finite number of years and we need to make the most of them even if that appears to some to be selfish
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I thought it was very strange that the nurse giving flu injections last year didn't notice how ill my mother was, hardly enough of her left to put an injection into. The neighbours thought (when she went to hospital 2 days later) that it was the flu injection that had caused that illness.
  8. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    My mum received a letter addressed to her at the nursing home asking her to phone to arrange to go for her flu jab! I asked the manager whether she would not be able to have it there (she was in a different home last year). She said she would be able to have it there but there is a delay in getting the vaccines from the manufacturers.

    I have since done a google and found some info about this, but there doesn't seem to be anything on a national level. It does seem strange for the surgery to send the letter if they don't have the vaccine.

    My son starts uni soon and I was hoping he could have one before he goes but am not sure if that will happen and am not convinced he will arrange one with his new doctor!
  9. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Hi Memori, and welcome to TP
    Perhaps I'm reading too much into the tone of your post, but your situation sounds a little different from someone who is dealing with someone who is refusing point blank to allow any help. It sounds more like you can see she needs assistance but you don't want to either upset or frighten her. How responsive would she be to an approach which emphasised putting your mind at rest? My own mother, before her strokes, would always put off such things as going to the doctor, but would go when I emphasised it would be for my benefit, so I wouldn't worry.

    I would contact her doctor, if nothing else to find out when the flu vaccine will be available. Could you also, perhaps, have her come to stay with you for a short time? You would then perhaps be able to get a better handle on probelem areas.

  10. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    I agree with jennifer, I assumed it was a question of wanting to help, rather than help being offered and rejected.

    Writing to her GP seems the best first step, maybe then the flu jab or "routine blood pressure check" could be used to get her along to the surgery,better still at time when you can be available too.

    Whatever is wrong, it needs to be diagnosed as soon as possible for both your sakes.

  11. Memori

    Memori Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    Thankyou to everyone who has replied, my mother has had at least three reminders to book an appointment for a blood pressure check, and did not go for her flu jab last year, no amount of prompting on my part will budge her, I said they would take her off the doctors list if she didnt go and what would happen then when she was ill, but no she still wont go, also she is not going to the local shop with me now when a month or two ago she did.
    Everything keeps going wrong in her house and she wont let me do anything about it, her oven wont work and that was a big worry, she is the sort of person who would try to fix it, I tried to get her to have a new cooker but she says not at her age!, then the electric all went off, got a faulty socket, and her electric kettle sprung a leak, it makes me feel like pulling my hair out! but there is the funny side to it, and she laughs at herself sometimes, I think I will have to take a deep breath and sit it out, untill it happens but it is very hard and I feel for others in the same boat.
  12. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    You know, you can't persuade her to go to the doctors, you need to make the appointment for her, pick her up and take her. I know it's very difficult to get past the "she's my mother, I can't tell her what to do" but really, that's the only thing that has the slightest chance of working.
  13. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005

    "The only way you will get me out of this house is in a box" - my friends and I (with elderly parents) have all experienced (and in some cases, continue to experience) this saying from our parents. So much so that we now refer to them (lovingly!) as the "box generation"!!

    I think there is a BIG lesson for all of us to PLAN for our old age better than our parents generation (in general) has done.

    Today at the Hostel we were talking to Dad about his "advanced care plan" (like a living will). He couldn't seem to see the need to express his wishes. In the end I said to him, "Dad, we all hope for your sake you will just go to sleep one night and not wake up the next day, but it might not be as peaceful or easy as that." Dad's reply: "I don't see why not."

    I think this sums up their way of thinking about death - it is something which will come easily and peacefully, without needing to be planned or thought about in advance. If this could really be true for all of us, we could indeed "go out in a box"!!!
  14. nice

    nice Registered User

    Aug 24, 2006
    Don't worry Memori, I'm living the exact same scenario and there are many many more alike. My mum refuses to do anything suggested and will not see a doctor and refuses any suggestion of dealing with her personal hygeine mroe effectively, she is just a "no" machine...and there's always a surreal excuse why she can't or won't do what you suggest. That's the nature of this particular beast, it's all about how you deal with it and how YOU yourself survive as well as trying to do the best for your loved one/s.
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #15 Margarita, Sep 27, 2006
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2006

    I just like to add that what you said above sounds like what my mother use say/ do when I did not know she had AD was not diagnosed with AD then (4years a go )

    Your so right when you said that as when my mother did make a move and retried to Gibraltar and that’s when she got worse and in a way it was a blessing as then was the only time I could get her diagnosed and got mum on the right medication .

    I had to take the ball by the horn so to speak make an appointment, by then mum was so bad that the doctor just referred me (mum)to the elderly consultant in the hospital. Mum argued all the way but I got her there ( this was in Gibraltar )

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