Unsupportive sibling

[Amethyst59]

@Leswi ...some very wise words here. I have always said that I have no control over other people’s actions, but I do have control over my reactions. It is easier said than done, especially as you say ‘when you are in the thick of it’. But it is so true that to interact does bring more grief for yourself. And to reach the end, knowing that you have done your very best, is a life long reward.
Thank you for setting it out so clearly.

 

[Onmyown]

My baby? Sister lives abroad and the worst thing she has ever done to me apart from calling the police and getting a barring order on me is showing mum all the nasty emails that have been sent between us siblings about dementia worse still this was a few days after my poor mum had just lost her sister to cancer? Dosnt get much worse than that. My brother in UK was supportive until he came to visit for a few weeks but was snapping at mum for no reason and spent time smoking pot while I was running around cleaning and listening to mum moan about him not helping out but I will say one thing he does care about her he's just got issues with anxiety etc so I've told him give up the pot or don't be around your mother. My other siblings don't care and want her in a home as they can't be bothered with care but interfere so much with my care its becoming unbearable. The only reason mum has not been properly diagnosed is because of them. I tell the doctor about her behaviour and they go and tell her doctor the opposite that I'm the nutcase, I'm unstable, I'm aggressive, etc when they refuse to educate themselves about dementia. Phn recently said that you all need to be on the same page or get family therapy? Tried that which resulted in two who don't see dementia wanting her in a home?? ?? Go figure. Brother has taken her card and has taken charge of her finances with no authority just bullied min into Co signing him on her account? No idea the trouble he is in later. Easy to say forget about the invisibles when they are hell bent on taking every bit of control away from me? I've been having health problems relating to the stress they've caused me but what's the alternative put mum in a home? And let them win? No I have to do right by her as I'm all she has.

 

[SnowWhite]

I wouldnt waste your time or breath on your brother! I have one even worse than him. He lives about 6 miles from the care home Mum is in now and has not visited her for 9 months, neither has his wife or their adult son. They dont even send her birthday or Xmas cards any more.

For years he told my other brother lies about me saying that I was her paid carer (Which I wasnt) and that I only got her a blue badge so I could use it (which I would never dream of doing) and other stuff none of which was true. Unfortunately my other brother never told me any of this at the time but he believed him and distanced himself from me. Long story but he now knows 100% that its all lies and he and I visit Mum all the time and get on well now. We have nothing to do with the other brother.

He will still receive a third of anything Mum leaves in her will even though he has no contact with her whatsoever. He already took a lot of money and valuable items from Mums house and the police tell me there is nothing they can do about it.

I would just try and erase your brother from your life.

 

[Tralouise]

I wouldnt waste your time or breath on your brother! I have one even worse than him. He lives about 6 miles from the care home Mum is in now and has not visited her for 9 months, neither has his wife or their adult son. They dont even send her birthday or Xmas cards any more.

For years he told my other brother lies about me saying that I was her paid carer (Which I wasnt) and that I only got her a blue badge so I could use it (which I would never dream of doing) and other stuff none of which was true. Unfortunately my other brother never told me any of this at the time but he believed him and distanced himself from me. Long story but he now knows 100% that its all lies and he and I visit Mum all the time and get on well now. We have nothing to do with the other brother.

He will still receive a third of anything Mum leaves in her will even though he has no contact with her whatsoever. He already took a lot of money and valuable items from Mums house and the police tell me there is nothing they can do about it.

I would just try and erase your brother from your life.

I have just recently disowned my sister. My mum is in a psychiatric unit and has been 6 months. Mum was well until her brother died and she is now like a baby and is not my Mum anymore. Scan shows vascular changes and

 

[Tralouise]

Oh the anger with the sibling who buries head in sand! 2 yrs ago I noticed subtle changes with Mum, but she still lived alone fine and travelled abroad to see the "said sibling" to help when she had a baby. Mums brother died whilst mum was abroad last May - mum then developed chronic anxiety and depression,she changed over night , mums never had a days depression in her life!!! our mum has "gone", she's been in a psychiatric unit 6 months and is now like a baby. We take her out each week but it's becoming more difficult. She nearly walks into the road, opens doors off car when cars coming, wanders off in the supermarket, spits in the street. Psyciatrist did brain scan said some vascular changes and brain shrinkage and changes are in front lobe; he won't diagnose on scan alone and wants to treat her psychosis, anxiety before he even thinks about a diagnosis. I am a single parent with kids. My mum has been my rock and best friend for years and I miss her so much - myself, sister and Aunt are all doing everything we can. Everyday we are worried and depressed and upset at the unbelievable decline in mum. I have a sister who lives abroad with her husband and baby. About 2 months after mum went in hospital and we realised this was serious her hubby got made redundant - they have a house in the UK fully paid for so we all presumed she would come home to help, but no her husband took a new job in Malaysia! She has not visited Mum once in 6 months off being in hospital. We've begged and pleaded for her to come but she says what's the problem? Mums just depressed!!! We are 99per cent sure it's frontal lobe dementia, the psyciatrist said it maybe dementia but he wants to observe her for longer. But we know! We've asked sister to come home and help as we are sooooo tired, but her response is she lives abroad. Mum nots getting better and we're worried how we will take care off her - sister abroad replies like what about assisted living? Nursing home like she's not part off it. I have told her to never contact me again and I've deleted her numbers !!!!! Selfish to the core is not in it - my Mum put her through University which is the only reason she's been able to go abroad and she repays mum by not even one visit in 6 months!!! Some say maybe she can't cope seeing mum this way? As if me and my other sister can???? I feel heart broken each time I see mum, but I try to see Mum as often as I can

 

[Tomcat]

You are lucky you only have one sibling who dosnt care or want to know. I have five siblings who don't care but interfer and accuse me of all sorts. It's easy for people to say to me well you are doing your best forget about them I really would if I could but they are too interested in their inheritance than what's happening to mum or care. I will never speak to them again when this is all over. My friends think it's sad but mums illness has highlighted people for who they really are. Right now I could really do with some support but I am wasting my time. Poor mum if she only knew after being a great mum they have no respect for her and now she needs us they are not there for her.

I totally understand. I have three brothers and three sisters. My mum bent over backwards for all her children and it’s a struggle now for them to visit my mum in her care home once a week. I also have a nightmare of a sister that is over bearing and has to control every aspect of Mums care. She frequently argues with me in front of carers and has reported me to management as she feels it’s her way or no way. I visit my mum daily and it’s now got to point where it’s become frustrating and embarrassing. It’s got to point at the home that it’s risking Mums placement at the home. Her behaviour has caused my relationship with my siblings as well as dad to become strained as my family always want me to back down as she is so pig headed. This Friday I reached the end of my tether and have now decided to walk away from my mum. My mums dementia is so advance that luckily I don’t think she will miss me but it doesn’t make this decision any easier. Your right that this illness shows people for who they are and there true intentions. It’s a shame but don’t beat yourself up. As long as you’ve done the best for your mum that is all that matters. If you don’t want them to touch your Mums inheritance maybe you could apply for power of attorney?

 

[Onmyown]

I totally understand. I have three brothers and three sisters. My mum bent over backwards for all her children and it’s a struggle now for them to visit my mum in her care home once a week. I also have a nightmare of a sister that is over bearing and has to control every aspect of Mums care. She frequently argues with me in front of carers and has reported me to management as she feels it’s her way or no way. I visit my mum daily and it’s now got to point where it’s become frustrating and embarrassing. It’s got to point at the home that it’s risking Mums placement at the home. Her behaviour has caused my relationship with my siblings as well as dad to become strained as my family always want me to back down as she is so pig headed. This Friday I reached the end of my tether and have now decided to walk away from my mum. My mums dementia is so advance that luckily I don’t think she will miss me but it doesn’t make this decision any easier. Your right that this illness shows people for who they are and there true intentions. It’s a shame but don’t beat yourself up. As long as you’ve done the best for your mum that is all that matters. If you don’t want them to touch your Mums inheritance maybe you could apply for power of attorney?

Gosh tom cat that is awful, you would think that at the late stage with your mum now that things would be better? My narcissistic sister is causing so much trouble and she's not even in the same country. She wants to control ever

 

[Onmyown]

Thing about my mum but come home and care for her? I've been putting up with alot of her rubbish for years. She can't bear me to get any credit and has said awful damaging things to mum. That I don't care, that I've nowhere to live and I'm bumming off mum, seriously believes I'm abusing mum and that I attacked mum not the other way around? I totally understand how you feel but don't let her win go and see your mum on your own and forget about her. But obviously if you need to stay away then fine. Gosh the amount of times I've wanted to scream and run away from my family not my mum is countless. Mum has gotten worse very quickly this last week and I just couldn't couldn't be bothered to contact them to tell them what's happening. If you care call me or basically get lost. Losing mum is devastating and I know that when she is gone our family are over, done ill never be so relieved when the time comes. Look after you but forgive her and move on from her. As the dali lama once said "the best form of revenge is contentment". If you really want to pee her off be genuinely happy with your life as I can assure you that she will never be happy. My friends and neighbours call me "cinderella". The only thing that keeps me going is that I have stuck by my mum through thick and thin almost jeopardising my own health but the peace of mind I'll have after she's gone will be priceless. Let us know how you're doing as it's very very lonely when family turn on you but I'm the strong one and I'll show them all. I'll be so content with my life after this they will need a "sick bag" lol chin up "family who needs them".

 

[Tomcat]

Gosh tom cat that is awful, you would think that at the late stage with your mum now that things would be better? My narcissistic sister is causing so much trouble and she's not even in the same country. She wants to control ever

It’s been the hardest decision I have ever had to make but it’s the right thing to do. I have been there for mum and I can walk away with a clear consience. Sometimes it takes a bigger person to walk away than continue the fight. My mum wouldn’t have wanted that. What I told me myself is that if you have tried all you can to change the situation and still nothing changes then you have no option for your own sanity.

 

[Tralouise]

It’s been the hardest decision I have ever had to make but it’s the right thing to do. I have been there for mum and I can walk away with a clear consience. Sometimes it takes a bigger person to walk away than continue the fight. My mum wouldn’t have wanted that. What I told me myself is that if you have tried all you can to change the situation and still nothing changes then you have no option for your own sanity.

I have power off attourney. My mum gave me her will and she left her house to me. I thought this was unfair so I've discussed with mum it's probably better if she divides it to the 3 off us, including sister abroad who not visited in 6 months

 

[Tomcat]

I have power off attourney. My mum gave me her will and she left her house to me. I thought this was unfair so I've discussed with mum it's probably better if she divides it to the 3 off us, including sister abroad who not visited in 6 months

That’s good and well done for being fair. My sister did not have power of attorney swindled my parents by getting them to take equity from the house then her and her husband stole the money. What’s even worse is not that she did that but that she was told by a doctors 3 years prior to that mum had the onset of dementia. During that time she took the money from my mum and dad. I don’t care about the money and there’s nothing I can to reverse time. Just don’t have the energy to deal with such a vile human being and I just can’t understand that my parents who are fantastic human beings, can produce such a disgraceful daughter.