1. Jordrecr

    Jordrecr Registered User

    Jan 24, 2018
    27
    Three weeks dad had been in care home and now constantly asking to go home. He’s begging me saying he’ll go mad if he stays there ! Which he is anyway slowly. My brother is so unsupportive saying he wouldn’t want to be there but of course he wouldn’t he’s 60 not 88 with Alzheimer’s. I told him he can take him out and care for him but I’m not moving him. He then says he can’t as had to work he offers no solution but constantly supports dementia led pleas from dad but not me. I’m at the end of my tether. Just wld like him to work with me not against. My brother has seen him 8 days in about the last 9 months I’ve spent every 4th week with dad often more as we both live 4 hours from him, I’ve not worked for 9 months and can’t go back to that life it almost broke me. I’ve ended up on anti depressants and something had to give I’ve told my brother I’m not going back to what was.
     
  2. Baby Bunty

    Baby Bunty Registered User

    Jan 24, 2018
    297
    So sorry to hear this..your brother should support you and i hope he isnt talking like thst in front off your dad.!!.and it is normal for your dad to ask to go home .i have experienced this with my mum a long while ago..i would always say the"" doctor have advised."" .sorry havent got any good advice..but please be strong thinking off you..as its stressful enough without your brother adding guilt to it.xx
     
  3. Jordrecr

    Jordrecr Registered User

    Jan 24, 2018
    27
    From day 3 dad wanted to go home but the last two weeks he’s asking every day. I suspect my brother is saying to my dad I’ll tell her meaning me you want to go home and effectively encouraging it. I’m prepared for him to be like this for a few months. He thinks there’s nothing wrong with him as do most dementia patients. You just feel so heartless when they plead to you.
     
  4. Baby Bunty

    Baby Bunty Registered User

    Jan 24, 2018
    297
    I totally understand! You need to ask your brother for support..as i suspect you havent took this decision lightly to move your father in to a home..and you are acting in his best interest..and your brother needs to understand that and support you.xxx
     
  5. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,456
    Forget support from you brother, it is not going to happen. You need to look after yourself to look after your dad. Siblings that don't care can not be made to care. Put him to one side and consider only yourself and your dad. Put your own needs first and then your dads.

    If you are not ok then your dad will suffer. This is my opinion and others may disagree.

    Please look after yourself first or you cannot look after you dad.

    Stuff your brother, he is not worth worrying about.
     
  6. Jordrecr

    Jordrecr Registered User

    Jan 24, 2018
    27
    Thanks for this advice as this is also what i think. I know he’s in denial as every time I talk about the Alzheimer’s and how it progresses he just says “oh great that’s all I need” as if I should not have said it or he wants me to sugar coat it. There is no concept of concern for how this has affected me or the sacrifices I’ve made re being away from family and what’s more galling is it’s just him and his other half. No kids, I have three albeit two have moved out but kids always are on the phone needing some guidance or help. Actually my kids have been great and really understanding but I don’t see why they should lose time constantly with their mum.
     
  7. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,112
    +1 from me too!
    All I could add is that your brother needs to be introduced to this forum, where he can be educated in regard to dementia and it's effects, on not only the person, but the family, and most important the Carer who does the work.

    Bod
     
  8. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,364
    Kent
    I agree that you will not be successful in making your brother take a share in your dad's care or gain deeper understanding of his illness if he is not willing to. Many of us have siblings who for whatever reason no matter how encouraging or equally blunt we have been...makes no difference.

    3 weeks is not long for your dad to settle and wanting to go home is a very common pattern. My dad took around 4 months to settle to any degree and that was only because he declined rather than a conscious acceptance. He is safe and being looked after time now for you to take care of yourself and leave the brother to it. You know you are still doing your best for your dad and visiting when you are able.
     
  9. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,564
    Yorkshire
    hi @Jordrecr
    I've been thinking of the practicalities
    I was wondering how your dad was saying this to you when you don't live near - but on another thread you say that he has phoned you every weekend - does he have his own mobile? in which case ask one of the staff to take it when he's not looking and disable it, they can say to him, if he notices, that they can't get a new part but they'll keep looking, or you do the same on your next visit - if he's using the home phone, ask the staff to tell him that they are waiting for an emergency call or say there's a new rule - in other words anything to stop him calling you
    then If you want to speak to him, you call and only for a few minutes - or only call the staff for an update on how he is
    sounds harsh, but he has moved into the home so he can be looked after and kept as calm as possible, so let the staff do this for him - also so that you can take less of the strain and begin to settle your own life, which you have every right to do
    your dad is actually likely to settle more if he has no outlet for these outbursts - and to be blunt, you don't need to hear them
    if he's anything like my dad, once he starts he will just wind himself up, and he definitely does if anyone tries to speak with him - so the staff used to watch for when dad was getting anxious and then take him to a quiet place, usually his own room, play some soothing music, and leave him to calm down with no disturbances around him
    when you visit, don't let him start on - take in a treat as a distraction and if necessary need the loo to get you out of his presence, and cut the visit short if he goes on - you won't be able to explain or discuss rationally, so don't try
    as to your brother - he won't change - so I doubt he's contacting your dad much at all - if your dad has no mobile that will become harder to do
     
  10. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,287
    SW London
    I'm so sorry - this is sadly so common.
    I agree that it's almost certainly no use trying to reason with your brother - many people just don't want to know.

    If you have to speak to him, personally I'd just say, 'If you're not happy, you're welcome to take him to your home and give him the round-the-clock care he needs yourself.'
    And repeat ad lib if necessary.

    I don't know whether it's the case here - it applies in self funded cases - but IMO often when relatives are 'too busy' to do any caring themselves but strongly object to the idea of a care home, it's because they bitterly resent the fact that their inheritance is going to dwindle away.
     
  11. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Out of my five siblings, four were supportive of Mum going into a care home, one supported it at the outset but then said she wasn't happy, and one, though not interfering, objected but seemed to talk about the cost a lot.

    My mum took a week or two to settle but was happier in the care home during the last year of her life than she'd been at home, where she led a wretched life that was lonely and worried and accident-prone.

    The sister who wobbled came round completely and thanked me for arranging Mum's care home, which she thought was good.

    The brother who objected never visited his mother once the whole year. He came to her funeral but that may well be the last I'll ever see of him - not my choice.

    There are many stories on Talking Point of people taking parents home from care homes and regretting the decision. Follow Witzend's excellent advice and say that unless your brother is willing to undertake 24 hour care, this is the only option, as that is now what your father needs.

    I know how it feels to be at variance with a sibling - b****y nasty - so I hope the situation improves soon. You can feel pleased with what you've done for your father. xx
     
  12. Jordrecr

    Jordrecr Registered User

    Jan 24, 2018
    27
    Nail on the head re inheritance as dad is self funded I look at it that it’s his money he earned it so he could be comfortable in his old age. All the time brother and his wife say it’s so expensive, and they I know we’re relying on a good inheritence due to bad lifestyle choices. I’ve also said you can take him out and look after him I have no problem with that the conversation usually dies then. I’m slowly accepting this is Alzheimer’s dad not dad I knew which makes it easier. I think I’m dealing with old dad which I’m not.
     
  13. Jordrecr

    Jordrecr Registered User

    Jan 24, 2018
    27
    Thank you my aunt his sister said if he was non Alzheimer’s dad he’d be horrified at how he is behaving which helped me. I offered him respite first but he said no if I go I go for good! I won’t take him out but do feel if I did after 3 weeks of being there he would crumble at home. He is physically very fit for 89 but his body has outlived his brain.
     
  14. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,364
    Kent
    And remember your very sensible Aunt's words when your brother is being a twit! Keep on doing the great job you are doing in looking after your dad's best interests.
     
  15. Jordrecr

    Jordrecr Registered User

    Jan 24, 2018
    27
    Thank you
     
  16. Onmyown

    Onmyown Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    385
    You are lucky you only have one sibling who dosnt care or want to know. I have five siblings who don't care but interfer and accuse me of all sorts. It's easy for people to say to me well you are doing your best forget about them I really would if I could but they are too interested in their inheritance than what's happening to mum or care. I will never speak to them again when this is all over. My friends think it's sad but mums illness has highlighted people for who they really are. Right now I could really do with some support but I am wasting my time. Poor mum if she only knew after being a great mum they have no respect for her and now she needs us they are not there for her.
     
  17. Onmyown

    Onmyown Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    385
    Some people say they will have to live with the guilt when she's gone but I doubt it, if you don't care now why feel guilty when she's gone?
     
  18. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,456
    I was at dads today and brother turned up, he was there for 10 minutes and talked about himself all the time. He has 5 holidays planned this year, 3 abroad and 2 in the UK. Very nice for him but the icing on the cake was when he announced that in 2 years time when he retires, he and SIL are moving 300 miles away to the other end of the UK

    No problem at all and bloody good riddance as far as I am concerned. Dad is likely to be in a home by then or possibly gone altogether so why the hell tell him. If that is not unthinking and selfish then I do not know what is.

    Why would anybody tell their 88 year old dad with dementia that they are buggering off and leaving him to it.

    He didn't have to tell dad, he could have just kept quiet about it. Would make no difference because he won't be missed. I will be happy to see the back of him but dad loves him and now he will worry himself silly because his son is moving 300 miles away.

    He just told him in passing like he was talking about the weather.
     
  19. Tomcat

    Tomcat Registered User

    Mar 20, 2016
    26
    I have read you post and can relate but basically your wasting your time and breath with trying to see your way of thinking. I don’t agree with my siblings in keeping my mum in a home that’s giving substandard care. This Friday I said goodbye to my mum and won’t be visiting her again. It’s been a long time coming and relationship between my brothers and sisters has got to a stage that I don’t want to answer the phone to them. Sometimes you have to step backwards to move forwards. I have had more compassion and understanding from this forum than I have got from my family. Try to find strength from where you can find but personally I wouldn’t waste any more time with trying to get your brother to understand. Good luck!
     
  20. Leswi

    Leswi Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    120
    Bedfordshire
    Some people really are selfish, just don't care and have no conscience. That's very difficult for us caring people to get our heads around. Often they have narcissistic personalities and that would never change, they believe they are always right and the world revolves around them. Dealing with my sister nearly flipped me over the edge whilst I cared for my mum at home right to the end of the journey. Am now doing the same for dad, same situation but I've got some lovely supportive carers this time to help take pressure off. I had to get some counselling but it was to get my nasty sister out of my head, not for dealing with the grief. when you're in the thick of it it's hard I know but try not to respond to the people causing grief, it causes you more grief than them, they remain oblivious. You will carry the knowledge that you were there solid and caring, doing the right thing throughout and that is a good feeling when it's all over. Stay strong and kind.
     

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