Unhelpful friend

[Tot]

Mum has had mixed dementia for almost 6 years. We have been managing, just with carers 4 times a day but since a 6 week spell in hospital we have started to gently suggest maybe a care home is the right place. Mum has become vile really vile to both my sister and I. Angry, abusive, it's too awful for words.
But she has a "friend" a lady from the local church luncheon club who has taken Mum under her wing. And this week this helpful lady has helped Mum find and move into a care home for a 3 week respite visit. We only know where she is because Social Services rang to ask if we would fund it and they told us what was happening. Mum has kept it secret even from her carers who rang us in a panic and from her cleaner who visited just a few hours before she moved out.
We have tried not to exclude this lady from Mum's life but are horrified at this latest turn of events. We really don't know what to do. Has this happened to anyone else?
We are trying to be positive and are telling ourselves that at least we know that Mum will be save for the next 3 weeks, but whatever next?

 

[Starter]

Oh my goodness, this has turned my blood cold to think that this could happen! So many questions about how it could happen and I have lots of not very nice words for the 'friend' involved. I hope you get it all sorted out xxx

 

[MaNaAk]

Could I advise that you check your mum's POA just in case this has been tampered with!

MaNaAk

 

[perry]

What MaNaAk said... if you have POA.

I've had lots of issues with a 'friend' of my mum's emotionally manipulating her, along with destroying relationships between family members. Eventually we had to get the police involved. Be very wary, and check with SS, and the care home that this friend has the right to be so involved and to leave your mother's family in the dark about this. It's absolutely dreadful, you must be going out of your mind.

 

[john1939]

What MaNaAk said... if you have POA.

I've had lots of issues with a 'friend' of my mum's emotionally manipulating her, along with destroying relationships between family members. Eventually we had to get the police involved. Be very wary, and check with SS, and the care home that this friend has the right to be so involved and to leave your mother's family in the dark about this. It's absolutely dreadful, you must be going out of your mind.

Hello, I would refuse to pay anything, and direct the request to the "helpful lady" who took it upon herself to arrange this. Also, it seems with Alzheimers patients that all family are rubbish and those outside are saints.Regards.

 

[Beate]

Family doesn't have to pay anyway. It's either the person in respite who has to pay if they are self-funding, or Social Services, if they are not. To determine this, a financial assessment has to take place. How will they do this unless this so-called friend has POA? I would be very wary of this person taking over without informing family. Can you have a word and warn her off? Have you got POA or can still obtain it? Weren't the social worker's alarm bells ringing when they phoned you and learned that you had been kept in the dark?

 

[Kevinl]

I think you need to handle this situation with extreme caution for the following reasons..
If you don't have LPA the Next Of Kin confers very little statue, although your mum may be diagnosed with AZ that isn't the same thing as lacking capacity.
If social services deem she has capacity and she wants this person to be the person that speaks for her you could get frozen out as the social services will ask your mum what she wants and that will be paramount certainly with and possibly without capacity, so be careful.
If your mum's current mindset towards you and your sister is "vile and abusive" then bear in mind that while your mum still has capacity then it's what she decides, you may be her children but that doesn't give you any "rights" over her unless you have an LPA. Your mum might decide to give the LPA to her friend not you and unless she chooses you to be a "Person to be Notified" you'd never know it's even happened.
If you don't have an LPA and your mum is not defined as lacking capacity she can do as she chooses and if you've "We have tried not to exclude this lady from Mum's life" before then that implies you're not on the best of terms, anyone with capacity can do as they llke, if your mum tell SS that she wants her friend and not her "evil" daughters then that's what may happen.
You need to be very careful here, you (through no fault of your own) are in your mum's bad books and her friend could end up in the driving seat.
It's wrong, I'm on your side, but without an LPA you're in a precarious position and unless you could prove this person is financially abusing mum then there may be very little you can do about it, time you build some bridges with your mum before it's too late.
I don't want to sound unsympathetic but you really need to put the kid gloves on.
K

 

[Oh Knickers]

Hi Tot,

Oh, this is not good. Sorry.

Could I suggest you get together a timeline of what has happened with this so-called friend. Stick very carefully to facts and evidence - horrible though your current situation is. You need to have as much evidence as possible to back yourself up and what actions you had to take - such as getting the police involved. Do it now, whilst you may be feeling shocked, before the situation gets really difficult and complicated. Then stand back. You have nothing to justify. You have police evidence. It is now up to SS (Social Services) to start thinking rather than reacting.

Get your evidence together. Should Social Services insist on pursuing you politely, but determinedly, ask for a meeting.

Also, do as other posters have suggested and get your POAs checked. You do have POA - LPOA? Should you have been taken off POA you should have been notified.

Also check the financial situation. Is your mum self-funding? Is she needing Council funding?

In addition, if you do not already have enough on your plate, contact the numbers below for guidance. Ensure you have all your details together. The OPG may very well ask you for a letter with evidence.

National Dementia Helpline: 0300 222 1122

Office of Public Guardian: 0115 934 2777

Whilst you must be feeling very shocked keep immaculately to the facts.

Best of luck

 

[Chemmy]

I would be inclined to call the AS helpline once you have assembled a list of facts/dates.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20012/helpline

and as advised above, proceed with caution.

 

[Tot]

Thank you all for your responses. It has been a great help. My sister and I need to read and digest it all but definitely with kid gloves on! But it is comforting to have your help through this difficult time. Regards

 

[love.dad.but..]

Just a thought...as SS contacted you re funding care, which is not your responsibility, then they must have been given your details by either your mum or this friend...so maybe you are noted somewhere as someone of importance in your mums life and that may be useful to speak with SS or care home to find out exactly how and why this came about.. As everyone has said without poa and not knowing if your mum still has mental capacity if not, it is tricky to handle.

 

[Slugsta]

Goodness, what a terrible situation for you!

I don't know any of the people involved but am going to put in a word on behalf of the 'friend'. We know that the PWD has taken against her family, what we don't know is what she is actually telling the friend. This person certainly appears to be misguided, at the least, but her motives could be entirely innocent.

Try not to go in 'all guns blazing' as that could put you in a difficult situation, especially if - as has been discussed - you don't have PoAs.