1. Denise.w

    Denise.w Registered User

    Aug 23, 2014
    My dad came to live with me a year ago. He is suffering with vascular dementia, and Altzheimers. He does not know who I am, or any of his family. But he has got to know us. But he acts as if he is in a home. Asking 'are you on tomorrow' . Tells me to lock up, and how to feed my dog, and all kinds of things.
    He cannot remember his address, rob or anything, and thinks he has no family. He often asks 'why do I have to stay here? When I explain that he refused any care at his own home, and stopped eating because he did not have any money, and that we are his family, he gets so upset. He thinks all the time trying to make himself better. He says he is disgusted with himself, says he does not deserve to have his dinner.
    He is 93 years old. Quite frankly it upsets me seeing him like this, and I feel like I am living in a care home the way he acts. The whole atmosphere is gloomy.
    I myself have had a lot happen in last 3 years. Marriage breakdown, redundancy, mum died, mastectomy. I cannot heal myself in this unhappy atmosphere. When do people stop trying to remember. I can't cope with it much longer. I am an only child. I lived alone , and now dad is here. Sorry but do other people have this kind of unhappy atmosphere.ni have benn for counselling regarding over use of alcohol, to enable me to even sit with him some days. My emotions are everywhere. Please can others share their experiences.
  2. DaBu79

    DaBu79 Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    Hi there, my mum died of a bleed on the brain just after my dad nearly died of a haemorrhage, he now has vascular dementia and it's so difficult, he's in a home and is being cared for, it doesn't make it any easier because I miss my dad before he was struck down with dementia, I know my plight is nowhere near as desperate as yours, but please talk to me because your not and never will be alone in this desperate struggle xxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  3. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    near Folkestone
    Yes, come and talk with us please! We are here because we understand :) even though we might be at different stages in our journey we still can support each other. Thinking of you xxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  4. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    This situation would be very hard for everyone Denise. I'm sure all who read your opening post will agree that you have an enormous burden to deal with.

    It always helps, I find, to talk things over with someone who understands. Do you know about the Admiral Nurses? You can find out about, and contact them here.

    If there are none based near you there is a Direct phoneline you can use (bottom of the page left hand side).

    Do please get in touch with them.
  5. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    This is meant quite seriously. If your Dad already thinks he's in a care home, why not consider arranging for him to be in a proper care home? The transition might be easier for him than it would be for other people.

    Then you could visit him as often as you wanted to or could bear, but you would not have to carry on being the person who takes sole care of him.
  6. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    tend to agree with Stanley - Then visit him as and when you feel strong enough.

    cant be nice existance for either of you

  7. liz56

    liz56 Registered User

    Feb 15, 2015
    North Somerset
    Oh Denise I feel for you ! Dad lives with us, and our house feels like a home too ! Most days I dread coming home from work. The worst thing for me is that I have no pleasure at all in being with him, although I look after him the best we can.
    He can not be alone, so we have a complex rota of OH home, me home, carer ( self funded, whole day !), and one day of day care in a NH, which dad loathes. How are you managing - is it all you ?
  8. Denise.w

    Denise.w Registered User

    Aug 23, 2014
    Thankyou for all these helpful comments. It is so difficult to see a man who can shower himself, dress himself, and even do the ironing and peel vegetables. Yet at times he cannot make me understand as in a whole sentence not one word makes sense. Yet if we have visitors he is polite, appropriate. I can leave him which makes me feel guilty as as many others are prisoners in their homes. My situation not as bad as some peoples. But I do dread coming home, my mood will drop so quickly if he is upset.
    Thankyou for all your warm responses. I do not know what Admiral nurses are but I will check. I came t a few decisions yesterday and am slightly cheered by that.
    Namely day care once a week. Respite care. I have a place where my friends parents live, and will arrange to visit, and maybe book something in for the future. My son and daughter in law take my dad out usually once a week. But it is usually when I am out so he is not left too long. I am going to work now and won't be home till 5. My son will come over and he has been some model making with him. There is a bit more to this story too regarding our financial positions. Will post when I have more time. Thanks again. Hope you all have a good day.
  9. Angela T

    Angela T Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    Dear Denise, your situation sounds desperate. There is only so much we can carry... and you have had a LOT to deal with in 3 years.

    I agree with Stanley and Jessbow, it sounds like your dad would not lose out by going into a care home, and you could start to get your life back...

    We do our best for our parents, but we cannot sacrifice our lives for them.

    Thinking of you...
  10. Denise.w

    Denise.w Registered User

    Aug 23, 2014
    Yes I cannot see my dad as my dad. In fact at our Christmas dinner, I asked to be seated where I would not have eye contact with him ! When I do get away I then remember him as he used to be. He tells everyone I am so good to him, and in the same breath tells them he has nobody now, as all his family are gone.
  11. chelsea girl

    chelsea girl Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    I feel for you. My mum is with us and i get depressed sometimes. Mum broke her hip last summer and her alzheimers got worse after that!! We were told she shouldnt be left along! The house is mums but we've always lived with her because shes alway suffered from her nerves and couldnt manage on her own. If we put her in a ch we lose the roof over our heads!. She goes to a day centre 3 days a week and that helps but the days shes home, its hard, i have to sit with her and she shouts if i dont. I feel as if my life is on hold. I sit with mum but shes not my mum if you know wat i mean? She cant chat with me or do simple tasks so we just sit. Please dont give up, one day we'll all get our lives back xx
  12. Dustycat

    Dustycat Registered User

    Jul 14, 2014
    North East
    It's hard. I have had both parents with dementia. Mum died last May and Dad is now in care. I struggle to remember back to a time when I was happy. Xx
  13. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    I know exactly what you are going through, my Mum has AD and lives with my husband and myself. It's so hard and there is very little help available, basically everything comes down to cost - there is very little support.

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