Hi everyone. Its been a tough week and my efforts have been made much worse by me injuring the inside of my foot and being unable to walk properly. Its been a case of resting as much as possible and dosing up on painkillers. Caring for someone when you are not 100% is very hard. My wife sleeps for about 17 hours a day - this morning she was still up at 4 00 am watching an old film and smiling - that makes it worthwhile. I have been looking after Margaret now for 10 years and I suppose in that time we have seen the family about twice a year - 70 miles is too far to travel!!! Daughter and husband have busy careers and when not pursuing them, they are showing off their properties and children! We may get a phone call about every six weeks from daughter whilst she is driving home! It is difficult to communicate as the signal continually breaks up.We have been threatened with a visit over the weekend! When and for how long, your guess is as good as mine. They make me so cross but for Margaret's sake I bite my lip - really wanting to tell them to bugg.. off. They will probably be on their way to one of their properties in Cornwall. What I detest is that I shall get bombarded with comments as to why I have not done this or that! I should make my wife do this or that! Why aren't carers coming in at 6 30 am and dragging her out of bed!! They have no idea the effort it takes to meet my wife's needs. I find the whole thing so stressful, especially as I know that they don't really care. The son-in-law ( a power control ex military officer) and Grandchildren ( aged 14 and 16 ) make no effort to talk to Margaret and she does not initiate conversation these days. She will sit there falling asleep where as if they engage her in conversation she will react in a positive way. Its just the two of us plus a close circle of friends which help us get through each day and I do not want family interference. Am I ungrateful? I would collapse if they suggested taking Margaret out for an hour's drive or to visit the local park whilst they are here. Is that too much to ask? Sorry to sound so ungrateful. Back to the cleaning. Jumbo.
Ungrateful?
- Thread starter jumbo
- Start date
Dear Jumbo...
Difficult. Are any of these people your blood or all them your wifes' family? You are a quintessential, polite Englishman? Probably not so good at verbalizing what you really think, feel and need. Its time to be assertive. State your desires or better yet....leave these family members to care for her and go off for a well deserved pint at the pub. Just say oh excuse me....I need to nip off for a brief time and then return after a few hours.
They are not offering to help so how can you be grateful, they are simply coming to visit to ease their own consciousnesses ( I had to check if there was a plural form of conscious). To be grateful one must receive a true kindness, an act of helpfulness, or somekind of support. It does not sound like your family is providing you with any gesture which would evoke you being grateful.
Good luck take care.
not ungrateful @jumbo just saying it as it is
I worry sometimes that dad thought I was interfering when he was caring for mum (she had a stroke and was semi-paralysed) - I lived 200 miles away but as a teacher could pop up in the holidays and stay with them, so I'd cook and clean etc - and I moved to be near him when it was clear things weren't right with him even before diagnosis - again my work meant it wasn't so difficult to do
I'm sorry your family don't visit and aren't much help when they do - maybe dad didn't mind me, and you'd welcome a bit of 'interference'
also, though, my parents were of the 'I didn't want to bother you' variety; I told them I wanted to be bothered - might you lay on the line, before this visit, what would be helpful - though I appreciate family dynamics might make that tricky
I hope the visit goes better then you fear
@PalSal has it spot on
I worry sometimes that dad thought I was interfering when he was caring for mum (she had a stroke and was semi-paralysed) - I lived 200 miles away but as a teacher could pop up in the holidays and stay with them, so I'd cook and clean etc - and I moved to be near him when it was clear things weren't right with him even before diagnosis - again my work meant it wasn't so difficult to do
I'm sorry your family don't visit and aren't much help when they do - maybe dad didn't mind me, and you'd welcome a bit of 'interference'
also, though, my parents were of the 'I didn't want to bother you' variety; I told them I wanted to be bothered - might you lay on the line, before this visit, what would be helpful - though I appreciate family dynamics might make that tricky
I hope the visit goes better then you fear
@PalSal has it spot on
The "why dont you just........." brigade really annoy me. I feel like saying "if it were really that simple, dont you think I would have already done it?" - and sometimes I have actually said that, which usually makes them huffy, but at least shuts them up.
No all of our beloved friends are not blood relations. All of mine have passed to the other side. Our family even try to make me feel guilty if I don't prepare a meal even if I have no idea at what time they are arriving. That is something I have stopped doing. I am not sure that they have a conscience as everything is based around SELF. many thanks for your reply. Jumbo
not ungrateful @jumbo just saying it as it is
I worry sometimes that dad thought I was interfering when he was caring for mum (she had a stroke and was semi-paralysed) - I lived 200 miles away but as a teacher could pop up in the holidays and stay with them, so I'd cook and clean etc - and I moved to be near him when it was clear things weren't right with him even before diagnosis - again my work meant it wasn't so difficult to do
I'm sorry your family don't visit and aren't much help when they do - maybe dad didn't mind me, and you'd welcome a bit of 'interference'
also, though, my parents were of the 'I didn't want to bother you' variety; I told them I wanted to be bothered - might you lay on the line, before this visit, what would be helpful - though I appreciate family dynamics might make that tricky
I hope the visit goes better then you fear
@PalSal has it spot on
I think our family have the "I don't want to bother" philosophy! Still not heard anything about the time of the visit. Nor a thank you for the birthday presents which I sent and know have arrived! I am beginning to sound like Victor Meldrew but I was brought up to care about people, especially family. Incidentally our son-in-law put obstacles in the way if we tried to see the Grandchildren for extra time - that was before Margaret was ill. I think he thought that I would pollute them. After all I had been a headteacher and anyone could teach!!! (Not an army officer) Little does he know! Many thanks for your words of wisdom Jumbo.
Thank you for the reply. I get really frustrated when daughter says why don't you when she has no idea just how difficult her Mum would find the suggestion. She is getting weaker by the day and apart from the dementia she is recovering from a cancer operation last year. At least she enjoys reading all of the magazines that I get her and loves watching the TV. They have no idea the lengths I have to go to in order to make sure Margaret is fine. Like this morning seeing someone like Margaret on TV just made me cry and remember what she used to be like. A bright and dynamic person who pushed me into developing my career. If it were not for Margaret I would have stopped talking to son-in-law over 15 years ago because he was constantly rude. We do not need that. Many thanks Jumbo.
oh @jumbo you made me guffaw
I had this 'anyone could teach!!!', as I was a teacher, from sibling's spouse - along with 'teachers don't live in the real world'
and I have been so saddened and disappointed at how little contact dad's (now very adult) grandchildren (I have no children myself) have had with him for years (no visits to his care home) - and had to suggest, once, that after very generous Christmas money gifts, they send dad a thankyou card - they still all sign one Christmas/birthday card (well I think THEY sign)
families !!!!
PS just read your reply to canary - my mum kept us together as a family - I stopped dealing with sibling's spouse after mum's death; and now with sibling - just too stressful - and incredibly sad
PPS sorry - too much about me
I had this 'anyone could teach!!!', as I was a teacher, from sibling's spouse - along with 'teachers don't live in the real world'
and I have been so saddened and disappointed at how little contact dad's (now very adult) grandchildren (I have no children myself) have had with him for years (no visits to his care home) - and had to suggest, once, that after very generous Christmas money gifts, they send dad a thankyou card - they still all sign one Christmas/birthday card (well I think THEY sign)
families !!!!
PS just read your reply to canary - my mum kept us together as a family - I stopped dealing with sibling's spouse after mum's death; and now with sibling - just too stressful - and incredibly sad
PPS sorry - too much about me
