Registered User
Apr 9, 2005
Sorry to burden you once again but..

Im finding it difficult to sleep and this website has became my off loading station...
the past few days...
Im feeling really guilty that i never went to the hospital today and am contemplating not going tomorrow either...
mum and dad said thay will try to go....ive got a meeting supposedly... (and they asked it i could be present) with social services to make "an assesment" feel like i need to take my mum and dad and not expect them to cope alone..visiting i mean, not asessement as s/s prob wont turn up.. i have read messages AGAIN - posted by others as i feel it really helps me.. but after reading them i feel so guilty for taking up space on here when there are people who are LOADS worse off than me.
Uncle Tom has been in hopital for just over 10 weeks and i have spent the best part of every day visiting... especially through the easter hols....with my kids who cheer him up no end or seem to.. (i have 5 and he loves then to death) But reoccuring chest infections - diagnosis lead to further tests which told me he had vascular dimentia - multi faract am not sure how its spelt but it sounded like that..
One prob i have is that my dad... extremly close to uncle Tom has denied this is happining he says that" he's depressed and needs in his own words "a kick up the backside" and some motivation.. I have tried - and failed to ask dad not to view his opinions so strongly on uncle tom... (this is how dad had dealt with probs in the past)..... but to no avail.....He never falters to tell him each time he visits. dad tries to go when he can but...(he is poorly himself) but has not been for a while... dont know what to expect tomorrow....
I feel, as uncle tom has been in hospital for weeks it is a relief of sorts....for me..physical etc. but mentally i feel as i have lost all "control" over what i "know" is best for him..or do i ?
i am only the person closest to him apart from my mum and dad ...(mum on same wave lenghth as me) but... Dad's opinion apparantly when at home with mum.. he to gets agressive etc...does'nt help mums care with dad.. My dad never voices these thoughts to me.. in fact he never says anything to me..
The staff have not got a clue.. no disrespect but....
they dont seem to communicate at all he has refused to eat this last few days but
one nurse out of the lot...sits with him and offers encouregement and seems to "get somewhere" unlike the others who poke their head round the door and say "do you want your tea etc.....when he replys ...no! they promptly disappear
Just realised the size of my message and the time...... sorry once again about the space i took up... will decline from posting for a few days as i feel i have nothing to contrubute to this board in means of advice and am deniying others in worse situation than me to comment
Many thanks once again...... you really do help
love Danni x


Registered User
Sep 14, 2004
Hi Danielle,

Please stop thinking you are a burden or taking up space. The situation is difficult and stressful for you, and you need a chance to offload, and that is exactly what the board is for. If people don't have time to read or reply to your messages then they won't.
As far as the rest of your post goes, I know what you mean about the guilt, my grandma has been in hospital for a week and I have seen her once (and will go again on Friday). You have been almost every day. If you can manage that then fine, but if you need to cut down, your own health and wellbeing is as important as anyone's! (I notice you're awake at half three in the morning!)
As for your Dad, it seems quite common to deny anything is wrong until it's really too late. You are geting your Uncle the care he needs in the meantime, and I'm sure eventually your Dad will have to come to accept it.
I'm sorry if this is no help, I find it very difficult to know what to say in a reply. The moderators will have answers to your practical questions, ss and everything.


Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
near London
Hi Danni

good grief, don't worry about using TP - it is what it is here for. We all post long messages and that is such a good way of using TP.

It is interesting that there often seems to be just one member of hospital - or care home - staff that does so much better than all the rest put together. Pity we can't clone them. They just put humanity into the equation. To the rest one often feels they are just waiting for the next break, or time to go home.

We do need to realise of course the workloads involved, and the long hours, and the scant recognition of staff.

If one person is superb with our loved one, the only recognition they get is 1) their own of their satisfaction in a job well done 2) ours in appreciating their care.
Their employers treat them exactly the same as a sloucher who does the minimum, or an agency person who is paid three times as much and does a lesser job.

There should be some element of these people's remuneration - a bonus perhaps - that is determined by the patient/relative.


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Hi Danni, just found this post, have already replied to your other one. Just wanted to say the others are right in what they say, often a close family member denys the illness, it is as you say, your Dads way of coping. Course its not really helping is it, but I doubt you will change him. Just go with the flow, don't argue, but don't agree with him, just try to help your Uncle and support your Mum as best you can. You sound as if you have an awful lot on your plate right now, try to let the professionals take the strain. I know you see things that you disagree with and your Uncle is very dear to you, but we are all only human and can only do our best. You could take him little nourishing treats when you visit, I used to take Mum little pots of yoghurt etc and feed them to her to help keep her strength up. If he is really not eating well, they could prescribe fortified foods and drinks for him perhaps? Never feel guilty, not about your care for your Uncle, you are doing more than enough. Or about posting, thats what TP is for. We are here for each other, to share, laugh, cry, moan etc. What ever we feel, we can say it here among friends. Love She. XX :)


Registered User
Dec 27, 2004
Hi Danni ,keep Posting ,you Are Contrabuting,i Often Cant Sleep And Slip Out Of Bed For A Drink ,i Cant Resist A Quick Look At The Posting And Feel Dissapointed If There Is Nothing New On Someone Will Always Learn Something From Your Experiances,angela


Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
Birmingham Hades
When you can't sleep there are some of us awake and thinking of you and all our great TP family,so post when you like.
My Peg is fast asleep,has been for hours,I am in my little room with my PC (this sounds awful) getting the only bit of peace and relaxation that I get all day.
I will be back on duty (with love) in about 7 hours.
I think we probably do a 24 hour cover on TP,so post when you wish,we are here to try and help each other
Best Wishes
Norman :)


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Couldn't agree more Norm, we all post when we can, but when you look at the times of posts, you can see there are not many hours when not one member has posted. We all are here to help each other regardless of the clock. Love She. XX :)


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Danni, never decline to post................Sometime, the time is right. We all feel we are taking up space, putting our own problems first, not seeing other points of view., no I havn't covered even half of it yet.
Just reply, when you have something to say, or just contribute, or better still just start a new thread with your own thoughts, or fears, or worries.
Answers to someone elses problems, or just sharing them, is what here at T.P. we are good at.
Love Connie


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Dear Danni, hopefully they will be able to do an assessment before he gets another infection. They are a nightmare these chest infections, my Mumgot them one after another and I see from the board that many others do too. All you can do is press SS to get on and do it. Even if they say you are not needed at the assessment, if you can, I would go if I were you. You and your parents are your uncles voice, someone to shout his corner if he is unable to for himself. Good luck, love She. XX


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Hi Danni, take a note book and make notes at the meeting, always makes you look as if you intend to follow things up y'know!! Ask for dates for things to happen, then if they don't, contact the person who gave you the date and ask why. If you have a PALS rep. ask them to accompany you. The Alz help desk can give you details of this service I believe, but you should (in theory) be able to find details posted in the hospital or ask at reception. Love She. XX

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