Uncharted territory for us ....

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by janey106, Sep 20, 2015.

  1. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    ive posted some of our situation before so won't repeat it but in a nutshell, we are coming to crisis point with Mum and Dad. Dad desperately in need of a break from caring for Mum. We do all we can and we are getting in 2 hours 'housekeeper' a day ( Carer by another name) but Mums unpredictable moods, hallucinations, repetitive questioning, anger, last week violence, have all worn 81 yr old Dad to exhaustion.
    Question .... When we find somewhere for Mum to be looked after, how the hell do we get her there when (and it will be when, not if) she refuses. Mum still thinks she is self-sufficient as in her head she is 10+ years younger. What legal/medical help is needed or is it entirely about 'persuading her' or 'love lies'? Sister and I simply have to work full-time so whilst we could manage a long weekend, this won't be enough, Dad needs to rest.
    Thanks for any guidance.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Janey

    When my husband went into residential care I had two members of the Mental Health Team to support me. It didn`t make it any easier emotionally but I couldn`t have done it without them.

    Please ask whoever is monitoring your mother`s care, whether your dad needs respite or a permanent placement for her, for help, support and advice.
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    #3 Witzend, Sep 20, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2015
    This was over 8 years ago now, but when we moved our mother (who would never in a million years have agreed to go since to her there was nothing wrong with her) we 'took her out for lunch'. It had all been planned like a military operation - my sister had surreptitiously packed some of her things the night before, and brother and BIL followed shortly afterwards with those and some small pieces of furniture for her room. They didn't come with us because 'they are just doing some little jobs in the house for you'.

    We had the added problem that for some years she had been extremely reluctant to leave the house at all, so her GP prescribed Valium to make her 'easier' on the day. The actual move went far more easily than we had expected/feared - it was a 60 mile drive to the CH very near me, and all the way we were terrified that she'd twig and demand to go home. But even when we arrived at the place she didn't realise - we sat down all together to a very nice lunch in their dining room and our poor mother did actually think it was a restaurant. I can't pretend it was easy when my sister finally told her she was staying (don't mind admitting I was too chicken) but by then we sadly had no other option - she was in urgent need of 24/7 care.
    I hope you find a way that causes the least upset all round - it is such a horribly worrying time.
  4. bdmid

    bdmid Registered User

    Dec 4, 2013
    My brother and I are in this situation now, looking for a CH for mum, 91 with mixed dementia. We are almost 4yrs in and know we have to be underhand to get her into a home as far as she is concerned there's nothing wrong with her, so why would she need anyone to help her, so will watch your thread for help in getting her into one.
  5. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    I think the only way to "force" your mum into respite is to have a power of attorney for health and welfare. This is the advice I was given but it had to be done whilst she still had capacity and I'm guessing this is no longer the case.
    Maybe she would surprise you and go willingly with a few "love lies"?

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  6. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    Hi Dimelza, Thank you for your reply. We have had POAs for health and property since May 2013 thankfully so we do feel we have something to fall back on eventually but It is so hard isn't it when there are those days when they don't seem so bad. Took Mum to see Consultant yesterday morning for 9.15 am (never out of bed until min 10.30 am usually) following incident last week when she was violent. Consultant clear he isn't going to take her into hospital (and we agree with this) but urged her to have respite and when he mentioned 'care home' for this she was adamant she wasn't going anywhere. Now Dad is having second thoughts about getting a 'housekeeper' (carer really) in to take Mum out shopping, cook etc ......Sister and I feel like we are going to have to refuse our help to 'force their hand' and accept help. Respite may have to await a crisis and sadly this is more likely to be Dad collapsing under the pressure. Got a meeting with Carer's Resource tomorrow so hoping they can help persuade.

    Govt says 850,000 people affected by dementia etc. They don't mention the millions whose lives are heavily affected caring for that 850,000.
  7. AndreaP

    AndreaP Registered User

    Yes Janey, I read today that a third of people over 80 have dementia to some degree which is a sobering thought. I don't think there is one of our friends in the 55+ age group who isn't dealing with at least one elderly parent or parent in law with dementia.

    I anguished how to get mum moved into a CH and the first step was to find one that met my criteria. I put her name down and showed her through the place. She was impressed with the standard of the rooms and the views but 2 days later said she wasn't going. I told her firmly that she was and she hung up on me. When a place came up 6 weeks later I gave her 3 days notice and the day before I sorted her clothes and labelled them. She seemed to think it was respite only and I didn't contradict but she still kept begging not to go. I kept reiterating that she couldn't live alone any longer. It was agonising.

    I took her down there with a few pieces of furniture and she seemed quite happy being inducted and fussed around by the staff. She loved the food which was a big plus. I did tell her that this was her home now but she didn't seem to take it in. Now it's been 6 weeks and she is still persisting with "when am I going home?" When we tell her the truth she is sometimes ok and sometimes abusive so now we say "when the doctor says you can". That seems to work best.

    I too was prepared to withdraw help if that's what it took to force the issue but my brother wouldn't agree. Needless to say it's been me who had to confront mum while he stayed right out of it. I like the restaurant idea or telling her she needs to go for a few days rest in a nice hotel. I HATE lying but sometimes there is no other way. Once you get her there physically, expect her to demand to go home. Then the doctor excuse is a good one.

    It is often a case of biting the bullet and just doing it while brooking no argument. As bad as it was, it was marginally easier than I expected.

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