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Uncertain / Unsure


Registered User
May 2, 2015
My partner is 25 years older than me at 81. Up to about 18 months ago, he has been very fit, but I am seeing a deterioration - especially with his memory and recall. Trouble is he is exceedingly stubborn and can get aggressive/angry. I am beginning to feel like I am continually nagging him when I see him looking for something, or trying to remember something. We have had items lost or misplaced but he just attributes it to old age. On holiday he is fine and a lot of the time he is find. It is just the two of us and neither of us have any familt to support us. We both had some friends nearby where the husband went through dememtia and he was aggressive/violent. His wife had family around her and coped for about 4 years with caring before she had to have him put in a home. Sh has now moved away and thus I have noone to turn to to help. Any friends we do see say to me "isn't he keeping good for his age?". And generally he is, but at times, he isn't and then life becomes a strain. I spend a lot of time on my own upstairs reading or on the computer and he spend the day downstairs watching TV, listening to music or reading. I took early retirement a couple of years ago so that we could spend time together. We were doing a voluntary job, but it got to the stage where he was not remembering how to do tasks and causing frustration with others, so we gave it up. He does the cooking and housework and won't allow me to help. I have to discreetly go around after him putting things where they should be. He is the only driver in the household, so I dread when he has to give that up as local transport is hopeless. I dread having to get him to a doctor for a diagnosis and am thinking of whether we should move in a retirement village - so that I know support is nearby is needed. Its a bit of a ramble this, but just really not sure what to do / how to cope.


Registered User
Sep 21, 2013
I would try get him to Dr .If he wont go then make an appointment with Dr and explain your worries .They may be able to call him I for a check up .


Registered User
Sep 23, 2008
I can imagine how worrying this is for you. I would try to keep some sort of diary of the things he does or does not do each day and take this when you go to the GP. You may find that the GP will say he is unable to discuss things with you which can be difficult . We had this with my mother who was eventually diagnosed with Vascular Dementia who persisted in refusing to go to the GP denying there was anything wrong.My brother wrote everything down in a long letter to her GP asking for help but received no response save that it was up to my mother to ask for help.
If you are in an area where relying on public transport would be difficult then it may be sensible to consider moving to somewhere better connected, whether or not to a retirement community. Do you think he would want to move?
Perhaps you should consider learning to drive yourself, as if you were able to drive it would be one less thing to worry about.
My husband is twelve years my senior and there is some advantage in this in that being younger and stronger is a plus if you end up as a carer. I am in a similar position to you in that family members are too geographically distant to help. It is scary thinking you are the only one to hold everything together.
I hope you can get him to the GP to find out whether or not there is a problem.


Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
We moved to a more convenient house four years ago and he was diagnosed with AD two years ago. I could see well ahead of that how things were heading and started rearranging our affairs with a view to a move. I would strongly advise you do the same as frankly things will get much worse. If your husband is still cooking and cleaning then great but there will come a point when you are doing it all and need to be in place where help is on hand.

Meanwhile ask the GP to call him in for a Well Man check and to do a memory check while there.


Registered User
May 2, 2015
Thanks everybody for your comments. I have sent off for a brochure for a retirement complex in the hope that with that I will be able to initiate a discussion. I think we both realise that our current home is getting too large for us anyway. I have learnt to drive in the past, but I also have health issues and amongst these, is that my eyesight is now not good enough for me to drive. I do try to do the housework and cooking but again, health issues make this difficult for me. For me, it is lonely and frustrating. Fortunately, I have taken on things like managing the finances and things like that - it is taking the next step that scares me and that includes getting medical help and advice.