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Unable to talk to people about what's going on

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by bleep, Nov 22, 2007.

  1. bleep

    bleep Registered User

    Jun 20, 2007
    I am after some advice really as all this stuff has been rolling around in my head for months and I am really struggling with the fact that I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it all. To explain... I have always found it impossible to talk about this kind of personal stuff (unfortunately I can't explain why) and in fact it has taken me four attempts to write this - hopefully I manage to hit 'submit' at the end this time? The words I need to say are there but I just can't articulate them. Then I also find reasons for not talking to person x,y or z - some of which are valid and some of which probably aren't but I can't see through it - talking to strangers is impossible too.

    Alot has happened this year -
    My dad has developed FTD and Motor Neurone's Disease, deteriorating rapidly - he is almost uncommunicative and has just had his PEG feeding tube fitted.
    My grandad has terminal prostate cancer and chronic renal failure.
    My grandmother recently died from a heart attack.
    I have been told my career in the Army will not be going any further (this happened the week after dad's diagnosis).
    I split up with my partner of 5 years (apparently we had lost the spark) and although we are back together, I worry that he will walk out as the spark has not returned?

    I know that I need to talk to someone about all this because my head feels like it is going to explode but I don't know how or who?

    My family, as I see it, have enough to deal with. I don't want to talk to my partner about this as I don't want this to be some guilt trip that would make him feel he couldn't leave and also I don't want to put any more pressure on our relationship either. My bosses at work have known that my dad is ill (since the diagnosis in June) but haven't cared enough to ask how things are going or how I'm doing - they just keep telling me to stop being so miserable - thanks. I only really have one good friend but since she left the Army two years ago I haven't really made the effort to visit or phone (all contact has been from her) and I feel I haven't got the right to put all this on her?

    What do you think? I feel like I've lost the plot.

  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Dear Cath

    What do I think? I think you sound as if you're suffering from depression. Many people who haven't experienced depression think it's all about breaking down in tears but it isn't necessarily. When I'm unmedicated, and a depressive episode is coming upion me, among other things it seems as if I'm a tiny litlle person at the bottom of an enormous amount of problems that I simply can't work out how to start to solve. let alone accomplish anything. Now, it sounds to me, that you have a lot to be depressed about, while I can get like this over nothing nearly so important, but have you thought about going to your doctor? Actually it sounds as if you could do with some talk therapy, but I know that can be difficult to obtain on the NHS. One of the most difficult things about depression is that i can be very difficult for the person who is depressed to get the help they need - the depression paralyses you. I understand that things are not straightforward with your partner at the moment, but would it perhaps be possible to say to him "I think I might be depressed, can you help me get some help"? Lots of men (generalizing here of course) find it easier to deal with something tangible, a problem to solve if you will.

    Think about it, anyway.

  3. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    Hello Cath,

    Well, firstly well done for pressing submit! It takes a lot to say all you have said as once it's "out there" there's no taking it back and burying your head in the sand pretending it's not true.

    I would agree with Jennifer that you are probably depressed right now and let's face it with good cause!

    When you are a strong person (as I sense you are) it's very difficult to admit that you reaching a "can't cope" point. The problem is that any one or even two of these things you can manage but all of them at once is too much and would be too much for anyone to manage.

    I personally have found a lot of help through counselling - it is tough at first, especially if you're not comfortable talking about this stuff, but I think it could really help. It certainly has helped me when I'd reached crisis point and enabled me to look at why I felt I couldn't ask for help instead of managing everything alone. These are things that I think you need professional help with as it's unlikely that you'll figure it out by yourself when your mind is already so full of other problems.

    I see you mentioned your in the army - do they not offer counselling services? I went through my work (I'm a civil servant) and it meant getting seen quickly and it's free!

    In terms of your work being unsympathetic, well there's not a lot you can do about that and it sucks. I'm currently sat at my desk waiting to be told they're considering giving me an oral warning for poor attendance (I've had five days off in the last year!). I wouldn't mind but the last day was on Wednesday whrn they sent me home from work because I was upset as we've been declined for adoption just now (whole other depressing story).

    Frankly I feel like walking out before they give it to me and taking an extra couple of weeks off with depression - if they're going to give me an oral warning I might as well have earned it hey?

    Anyway, I hope things go well with you and you can find the help you need - just coming on here and talking may help you a lot - it certainly has for me.

    Thinking of you and happy to talk anytime.
  4. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    Hi Cath


    You sound like you have a huge amount on your plate at the moment. Like Jennifer and Kate I would suggest that you approach someone for help be it partner/GP/counsellor or are there welfare services in the Army.

    With this on your plate I am not surprised that the "spark" in your relationship is suffering from downdraft! I know that without a very understanding aprtner I would not have made it through the last few years.

    Please feel free to vent on the boards.The first post is not easier and you have shown great courage making it. I know that where I find that I can't talk to someone it is a lot easeir to type how I am feeling to people I do not know but who understand the situation. From doing this I have started to find it so much easier to open up to people.


  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Cath.

    I read your post last night, and felt your despair.

    I think when you have so much upset in your life, it`s impossible to identify which is the most traumatic, and if you need to talk to someone, you wouldn`t know where to begin. If you have always found it difficult to confide or off load, then you have an additional difficulty on your hands.

    I hope by finally posting on TP, it has helped to get your thoughts in order.

    Please post as often as you can. I`m sure it will help you. There is always someone here to respond and understand and it might help you feel more able to talk about yourself and your troubles.

    Eventually, regular posting might enable you to seek medical or counselling help.

    You have taken the first step. I hope it has made you feel better. For what it`s worth, I certainly don`t feel you`ve lost the plot, I think you have had more than your share of suffering.

    Love xx
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Cath, well done for making your post, it took a lot of courage.

    You have so much on your plate at the moment, and I'm not surprised it's all getting on top of you.

    I think it's good advice, to try to talk to your partner. Tell him (if you can) that you feel you need help, and you'd be glad of his support. It might be a relief for him to know that you're prepared to get help.

    In the meantime, keep posting here, lots of people will support you.


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