two weeks in care home

[HelenMG]

Dad is two weeks in his care home now. I dont know whether I can leave him there as he was distressed and very low this morning again. I will enquire about a home care package as it breaks my heart to see him so low and so much wanting to go home. He does join in some /many of the activities when they are on. But he is unsettled much of the time and continually walks up and down the corridor when there are no activities, wanting to go home (He walked a lot at home too, wanting to go home). He is exhausted with walking but wont sit down. The day room is too loud and busy for him and he mostly passes it by but he will let himself be led in by the care staff from time to time (the care staff are very gentle and kind). There are no chairs in the corridors and he wont go into his own room, but will go into other residents rooms and sometimes sit down there. He can be talking to himself, which he never did before. His glasses, belt, cap, walking stick, etc. are regularly "missing" -taken off and left down in some other room. The home has a large garden downstairs but he is on the first floor. When I am with him all he does is walk up and down the corridors and he wont go downstairs with me. The care staff bring him out sometimes. At home we walked outside.

Although the home seemed good initially I find it not so suitable now. there is no quiet place to sit on his floor, he can't access the garden on his own, there have been many different care staff doing his morning routine, which is his trickyest and I think that that, (and his aversion to washing!) contributes to him being so upset. he wont use the bathroom in his room. His condition to me seems to have deteriorated markedly. He does not hold eye contact much at all anymore, keeping into his own inner turmoil, His language communication is almost gone and it is extremely difficult to undertstand what he is saying as the words make no sense. I know all this behaviour happened at home too but there were good bits there too. I don't see too many good bits here yet and that upsets me.

I am looking at other homes now, to see if there are any that are more homely, less noisy, more open access to gardens. But should I change him so soon? Should I bring him home first for "respite " (how ironic). I know caring for him at home (in a ground floor appartment next to my sisters house) is increasingly demanding and hard on everyone, but I think if I get in more specialised people and some extra help he may be better at home.

Sorry for going on for so long but my siblings are saying leave him to settle whereas me and my sister, who have cared for him at home, see how broken he is now and it is very hard to leave him there. My sister is on holidays so this stay in the home was decided as "respite" but with a view to him staying there long term. It has been good not having full responsibility for him this past 2 weeks but on another level I have been so sad and upset.

Has anyone else tried care homes for their loved one then changed their mind?
Helen

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Helen

Think very carefully before you move your father.

I`m sure you thought the home he is in now was good before you moved him in. It will take him more than two weeks to settle anywhere.
And no home will give the same level of care you would give to your own father however good it is.
The staff sound really good and perhaps the facilities are not as good as you would wish but I really do believe the staff are the most important part of a good care home.
Some people are known as corridor walkers, my mother was one. It`s not good to see but the restlessness has to be addressed somehow. I believe if Dhiren was in a home he would be a corridor walker too as he gets so many periods of restlessness.

Obviously Helen I`m not trying to tell you what to do. If you are unhappy with the home keep looking for somewhere else. But please bear in mind, wherever you move your dad might present the same problems of the outcome of relocation being impossible to predict in those with dementia.

 

[TinaT]

He did not settle in his own home with you because of his illness so it is to be expected that wherever he lives, he will not be entirly happy.

However I would go with my 'gut' feeling on this one. If dad is mobile I also think it is very important that there is a choice of rooms for him to use. It may well be that even with a choice of public rooms, he will still want to wander the corridor all day long. Somewhere along the corridor there should also be seating. Most of the 'wanderers' in my husband's care home tend to sit in a little open space near the toilets and the office area where they can see pople entering and leaving the building. Other wanderers walk into a public room and within a short space of time wander out of the room. They have this choice but because of the first floor layout of the home your dad is currently using, he doesn't have any choice.

I also agree that for mobile people easy access to a safe, outdoor space is important, even in our chageable weather. I know it is very, very important for my husband and he walks around the little garden almost every day of the year.

You can already see there is not sufficient space for your dad's needs and that this is worrying you. Also there is, at the moment, a window of opportunity to move him as he has only been in the current home for a week or so. It would cause much more disruption if he had been settled for a while.

As Sylvia says, it is very important that the staff are kind and gentle and this is a huge priority on anyone's list for the perfect home. But I would say on balance, that I would look to see if anything more suited to your dad's particular needs could be found.

I hope that you let us know what you decide to do. A difficult decision for you to make.
xxTinaT

 

[Sandy]

Hi Helen,

I think at two weeks it is too early to seriously consider moving your father. However, it might be a good idea to discuss your concerns with the care home manager.

For example, it might be a very good idea to move your father downstairs where he can have direct access to the garden. Was there only a first floor room available when he moved in? It is quite common for people to take such a room if it is the only one available and then put their name down on a waiting list for a ground floor room.

Take care,

Sandy

 

[HelenMG]

Thanks everyone,
Lots of good advice there. I know its still early days and I wont do anything just yet but will research some alternative options in case. Unfortunately the manager does not like to put "wanderers" on the ground floor as there are residents there who don't have AZ or denentia and who do not like the wanderes going into their rooms, understandably. I was viewing a care home yesterday where both floors had a door to an outside garden area (it was built on a hill so could do that!) which I thought was great. And the garden had a small stream running through it and the sound of running water was lovely. They had some gentle wind chimes too. I thought the lay out inside was also more open and homely and inclusive and that they had planned things very well. Pity I did not visit that one earlier!
Love you all so much !
Helen xx

 

[Skye]

Dear Helen

I'd echo what others have said -- it's early days yet!

Having said that, it's not ideal for your dad to be upstairs when he's used to wandering in the garden. In fact, I don't think it's ideal for anyone who's mobile.

The new home you've found does sound lovely, but check it out carefully before you do anything. Nowhere is going to be perfect, but obviously you want the best you can for your dad.

I'd alse counsel against bringing him home, even for a short time. It's going to upset him again, and if he has to go back into a home, he's going to find it even harder to settle.

I hope you can find a solution to this. Of course you're sad, none of us is happy to see our loved ones in care. But if you are satisfied with the home, that doesmake it easier.

Love,