Turning to people who I know understand - horrible horrible day...

pjapril

Registered User
Oct 22, 2017
77
0
Hi as many of you know who have read my other posts mum is in a care home and I work abroad. For no other reason than I am currently funding the £1100 a week until the POA is through I have to keep my job. Today mum managed to sneak into a room where there was a phone and she rang my mobile and the distress, crying and screaming to take her home was unbearable. I rang the home who were so upset that she had got into the room - but otherwise unconcerned. Mum - no recollection - of course. But what stays resounding around my head is her distress and anxiety and tears. There is nothing I could do or say. My heart aches at this and I have to smile and carry on for work. I wish she would settle but the home report she is deteriorating and has no memory from day to day so each day is a new confusion about where she is. So so so sad tonight ....Just came on here as know many of you understand what this is like x
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
My heart goes out to you and trying to care from a distance which is absolutely what you must continue to do...must make it even more difficult. My dad took a long time to settle and tbh I think the acceptance came only because of his decline and lessening understanding and resolve...although personal care resistant resolve was a whole different matter. So what I would say...whilst I didn't wish dad to decline...it was inevitable that he would and with that some things were more challenging like the year going into incontinence but other things became easier ....wanting to go ....because his awareness of things around him and environment. I am sending a big virtual hig across the waters to wherever you are.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
Yes, the decline will change things. She may be more frail but also more accepting. It is so hard going through this stage but from a distance there is nothing more you can do.

Once again a reminder too how important it is to register POA even before it becomes necessary.
 

Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
0
Kent
@pjapril...what a horrible position to be in. I think the fact your mum has short term memory problems is a blessing. You are still suffering from the effects of the call, she has forgotten it. It is a little different, but when I was young and first left home, I would ring Mum because I was so sad and homesick. She would worry for the rest of the week ...and I felt better for letting off steam...and forgot that I felt so bad. So there might be an element of that in there too?
If you remember how your lovely mumwas before this illness, she would not want you to be so upset, and you are doing the very best you can for her, earning the money for her to be well looked after. Give yourself a pat on the back, for being a good daughter, just as she would, if she could.
 

DollyBird16

Registered User
Sep 5, 2017
1,185
0
Greater London
Amethyst has it covered.
Be kind to you, nothing has changed you love and care for your Mum.
We cannot help but worry. Mum does the same to me. I stay awake fretting and worrying, next day Mum will be all smiles.

Take care and like you I say thank goodness TP is here. X
 

Theresalwaystomorrow

Registered User
Dec 23, 2017
343
0
That is so sad and your so far away it must be really difficult I feel for you.

On the positive, she remember or was able to dial your number? Mayb get a re assessment if she can do this .
 

SnowWhite

Registered User
Nov 18, 2016
699
0
Everything is hard from a distance isnt it? I am amazed that your Mum could remember your number and use the phone. I had my mobile with me the other day and rang my brother and tried to get Mum to chat to him and shes even forgotten how to hold the phone and where to speak in to it.

That is a LOT of money youre paying. is it a nursing home?
 

Theresalwaystomorrow

Registered User
Dec 23, 2017
343
0
SnowWhite my mum is exactly the same as yours, wouldn’t have a clue, wouldn’t even recognise it’s a phone I could be holding a spoon or anything :(
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Yes, the loss of short term memory can have a benefit. My wife is not at a stage where a CH is required but I have already noticed that she doesn't remember bad days and I'm learning to let go as well - it's for the best.
A virtual hug sent.
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
Yes like Snow white...I was amazed your mum could remember your number and then tap in the numbers correctly...I hardly ever can remember my mob number! Dad lost the ability to use his landline phone very early on which I always thought was ironic as he started work in GPO Telephones at 16 then retired from BT...
So all his working life!

I hope as the day has gone on you are feeling a little better about the situation...you are doing a wonderful job for your mum
 

pjapril

Registered User
Oct 22, 2017
77
0
Ah no sadly she has it in big letters - or should I say numbers in her book that never leaves her hand - but nice thought!!
That is so sad and your so far away it must be really difficult I feel for you.

On the positive, she remember or was able to dial your number? Mayb get a re assessment if she can do this .[/Q
 

pjapril

Registered User
Oct 22, 2017
77
0
Also re the phone it's very interesting as earlier she completely lost the use of the landline- dialling and holding etc and the mobile is long gone. But since being in the care home she finds ways and I think the brain is an amazing thing. She had help from another more able resident who has a phone in their bedroom installed by their family. I wish I genuinely thought she should be assessed due to the call but we have been here before. Regarding the cost - it's a specialist dementia care home (private) as she doesn't qualify for any assistance and it was recommended by her consultant. I struggle sometimes to see the "value for money" - but as a classic night time wanderer she needs to be safe. I had to ask the home how on earth she called me - particularly as when I call in to speak to her - like many of your relatives the phone means little. But I guess the brain is something we will never really understand!!! Our latest assessment (of 4 for the DOL) is only about 2 weeks ago. Re the comment on POA - yes we had the old style signed by mum pre 2007 - and it could only be activiated once she lost capacity (her request - despite me trying for the last 2 years to encourage her to sign it). I am down to my last pennies keeping the place open for her for over 10 weeks now.... the system is designed to send family members into the pits of despair!!!!
 

la lucia

Registered User
Jul 3, 2011
592
0
Also re the phone it's very interesting as earlier she completely lost the use of the landline- dialling and holding etc and the mobile is long gone. But since being in the care home she finds ways and I think the brain is an amazing thing. She had help from another more able resident who has a phone in their bedroom installed by their family. I wish I genuinely thought she should be assessed due to the call but we have been here before. Regarding the cost - it's a specialist dementia care home (private) as she doesn't qualify for any assistance and it was recommended by her consultant. I struggle sometimes to see the "value for money" - but as a classic night time wanderer she needs to be safe. I had to ask the home how on earth she called me - particularly as when I call in to speak to her - like many of your relatives the phone means little. But I guess the brain is something we will never really understand!!! Our latest assessment (of 4 for the DOL) is only about 2 weeks ago. Re the comment on POA - yes we had the old style signed by mum pre 2007 - and it could only be activiated once she lost capacity (her request - despite me trying for the last 2 years to encourage her to sign it). I am down to my last pennies keeping the place open for her for over 10 weeks now.... the system is designed to send family members into the pits of despair!!!!

Oh boy do I know what you mean... My mother had a massive stroke just after we'd sent off the POAs. And to make it even more difficult we had builders in ripping the bathroom apart and turning it into a walk-in shower. They wanted me to buy materials and pay them.

I was literally pulling all-nighters to write and report news features (I'm a journalist) and running around to the cashpoint hitting every card I had. And media organisations are not exactly the fastest payers..... During the day I was at the hospital with my mother in a different world.

I lived off the contents of the freezer and a milk lady who knew exactly what I was going through because the same thing had happened to her. They were the longest 4 months ever....

But big up the milk lady!
 

pjapril

Registered User
Oct 22, 2017
77
0
It's so hard isn't it? Caught between a rock and a hard place financially for so long. And now the bank tells me it's going to be another 10 days before I get registered with them to access money. Here goes another £4600- I'm literally working to find the money for the care home and living day to day with nothing for me!!!!!
Oh boy do I know what you mean... My mother had a massive stroke just after we'd sent off the POAs. And to make it even more difficult we had builders in ripping the bathroom apart and turning it into a walk-in shower. They wanted me to buy materials and pay them.

I was literally pulling all-nighters to write and report news features (I'm a journalist) and running around to the cashpoint hitting every card I had. And media organisations are not exactly the fastest payers..... During the day I was at the hospital with my mother in a different world.

I lived off the contents of the freezer and a milk lady who knew exactly what I was going through because the same thing had happened to her. They were the longest 4 months ever....

But big up the milk lady!
rs
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi @pjapril
have you spoken with the OPG as I believe that they can make an interim order for you to be able to deal with her bank account - and the DWP for her state pension
do call the AS Helpline to check on this
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
0300 222 11 22
 

pjapril

Registered User
Oct 22, 2017
77
0
Hi yes I have spoken to the OPG and they expedited it as much as they could but as it's an old EPA there is no shortcut sadly. I'll try the pensions as was leaving that waiting for the POA to be in as thought I had to have it so thanks for that. Roll on the 30th Jan when this should be sorted. Sadly another payment is due before then tho! Am hoping to get the care home to agree to wait....
@pjapril
have you spoken with the OPG as I believe that they can make an interim order for you to be able to deal with her bank account - and the DWP for her state pension
do call the AS Helpline to check on this
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
0300 222 11 22
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
I hope you get poa through soon..although you will get the money back from your mum's account once you have legal authority it is a tremendous financial strain on you in the meantime. Dads fees were £5.500 per month...if I hadn't been able to access his account to pay I could have only covered a fraction of the cost. Come on OPG...hurry up!
 

pjapril

Registered User
Oct 22, 2017
77
0
Thanks for the message - the POA is in but I'm abroad and the bank want me there in person!! Flying home at the weekend and then 10 more days of bank time (why they need that is another mystery in this journey that needs challenging!!!) and then I'll be able to breathe again!!!!
I hope you get poa through soon..although you will get the money back from your mum's account once you have legal authority it is a tremendous financial strain on you in the meantime. Dads fees were £5.500 per month...if I hadn't been able to access his account to pay I could have only covered a fraction of the cost. Come on OPG...hurry up!
atb