Turning me into a nasty person!

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Fishgirl, Sep 14, 2019.

  1. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    Hi everyone, I know Dementia can turn the person with it into a different nasty person, but now my OH illness is turning me into one! Yesterday morning a neighbor called to pick up a parcel I’d taken in for her earlier in the week, she then proceeded to tell me what seemed like every detail of the wonderful holiday she and her husband had just been on, I felt like screaming at her to shut up and didn’t she know what I was going through! Then later in the day I got a text from my cousin showing them lounging by the pool in Mexico with cocktails in hand, I felt so resentful! Both couples are about our age ( early 70s) It’s not so much the holidays I resent as the fact that they can still enjoy life together! And now I feel guilty for being so jealous.
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,995
    N Ireland
    You’re doing a difficult thing that is leaving you tired and stressed. These feelings are only natural and they don’t make you a nasty person. Have a virtual ((HUG))
     
  3. Philbo

    Philbo Registered User

    Feb 28, 2017
    705
    Male
    Kent

    Don't be too harsh on yourself - in my opinion, it's a natural reaction to the predicament us carers have been landed with?

    For the last 5+ years, I have envied friends and relatives who quite understandably get excited about events or journeys that have planned (or taken). I have listened to friends in the pub who are organising theatre trips, weekends away etc and had to politely tell them that it would not be possible for me and my wife to join them.

    I am always grateful that they have thought to include us, as of course they cannot be expected to necessarily fully understand the constraints that caring for someone with dementia involves. I have sometimes had to deal with the inevitable "can't you get someone to look after her so that you could come" remarks, explaining that it's not a case of booking her into the care home equivalent of a Travelodge.:rolleyes:

    So I guess I have developed a bit of a thick skin, though like you, I do get some "green-eyed monster" moments.
     
  4. Mojosho

    Mojosho Registered User

    Sep 13, 2019
    31
    I can say 'i know how you feel'. It is so hard not to be bitter. And everyone thinks you can just leave your other half home alone! I have a geriatric two year old! I have to follow him around turning off taps, flushing toilets, putting his clothes on right way round, mopping up spills, cutting his food up and so on. How can you leave him alone? So I sacrifice my freedom to care for him BUT it could have been the other way around! It could have been me!
     
  5. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    157
    Male
    Hi @Fishgirl, totally understandable and natural. I didn't have a holiday for 5 years and whenever I went out on a day off I would nearly always get a call from the Carers or Mum about a crisis situation. Others just don't understand unfortunately, unless you've been there really there is no way that you can. Take care of yourself, and its absolutely OK and probably essential to vent!!!
     
  6. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    Thanks for the hug Karaoke Pete:) and the reply Philbo, I think people have given up asking me to go anywhere now, but I just can’t bring myself to leave him even for an hour or so, because he gets so distressed and agitated. I know they don’t really understand though, and just think I’m being over protective!
     
  7. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    Haha that’s exactly my life,and I didn’t think of “what if it was the other way round “ although lm not sure he would be that understanding if was me, he was never the most patient of men:)
     
  8. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    Thanks Pete1, I’m so glad to have found this forum, and all the lovely people on here that truly understand:)
     
  9. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,554
    Maybe there should be a Talking Point carers holiday where all the carers pile on a plane & holiday together. We’d understand the loneliness issues, as in company but not as others know it, support on hand from experiences shared, all ages welcome, wouldn’t have to explain why we were holidaying in our own!
    Even if it was just a few days break somewhere....

    Oops just remembered DVT in leg! Keep forgetting the pills to!!

    So maybe a meet up at a spa type ( not getting body out but like thought of lounging!) place?????
     
  10. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    Hi D of D , wouldn’t be wonderful if they all had a switch that we could switch off for a week, like we do with the telly etc, and go on that holiday without worrying about them! Ahhh:)
     
  11. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,554
    Ah that wonderful elusive respite care which would magically appear & all be sorted without any input....
     
  12. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    If we were all together we’d probably just spend the whole time talking about them anyway, so wouldn’t feel like we’d had at all!:)x
     
  13. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    Meant to say had a holiday at all
     
  14. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,429
    East of England
    I have been there, done that, got the T-shirt, too @Fishgirl . I am hearing about couples going off on little jaunts, holidays and have to stop myself thinking, that’s what we would be doing. Close friends are on a holiday that we used to go on, sometimes with them, and I got an excited message and three photos yesterday, but I just had to be pleased to hear from them and glad they can still go. It’s tough though. I am sorry that you can’t leave him at all because that would send me stir crazy and must be so difficult for you. I can get out for a walk because he sleeps so much. It was bad before he got worse though.
     
  15. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,584
    I have actually blocked my brother and SIL from appearing on my Facebook page because I am sick of seeing their frequent holiday pics and nights out in pubs and restaurants.

    I would love to go on a quiet walking holiday and look at some nice views, all on my own would be best. One day.
     
  16. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    Hi , yes I do feel like I’m in prison sometimes, but there’s a big park across the road from us and we have a dog so I manage to get him to go there for a walk most days by saying it’s not fair on the dog being cooped up all day! He’ll only stay 1/2 a hour or so but it helps.
    The dog is quite old now so I don’t know what I’ll do when she’s gone because the same excuse won’t work for me!:(
     
  17. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    Hi Duggies-girl,
    People can be so insensitive, I’m glad you said “one day” because I keep thinking that myself and then I feel even more nasty and guilty!!x
     
  18. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    157
    Male
    Hi @Fishgirl you can feel so isolated even with a lot of friends and family. I had the constant 'where are you going on your holidays?' etc. and a look of astonishment when I said I wasn't having one - knowing I couldn't go away, it wasn't possible. As I say, it is so difficult for someone to understand that hasn't lived it - I certainly couldn't explain it. On a lighter note something that made me chuckle was last year during the World Cup I went out to watch one of the England games - the home care company at the time did me proud by calling my sibling rather than me (a first) with the inevitable problem that had cropped up with Mum (confusion, not recognising her surroundings etc) - a nice surprise for my sister who wasn't sure what to do (she lives a distance away) !!:):)
     
  19. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    101
    Got to do the dreaded supermarket run now, where he’ll keep staying in the middle of the aisle tutting and swearing to himself and going standing in the checkout que before I’ve finished shopping. Oh lord give me strength!:eek:
     
  20. Janie M

    Janie M Registered User

    Jun 12, 2018
    62
    @Fishgirl oh I so so know what you mean! I do feel like life is definatly not fair at times. A year ago I stopped working (at 62), gave up a job I enjoyed to stay at home to look after OH. Which is better for him but me???
    If I keep getting asked "how are you enjoying being retired" think I'll scream. After a year I think it's time I told people some home truths, because I wouldn't call it enjoyment! Rant over But we're all on your side. Big hugs x
     

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