Turkey and tears

[Sunset-lad]

Today I spent Christmas day with my mum who went into a care home back in November after I cared for her for 11 years ( the last two with a diagnosis of vascular dementia)
I was invited to join mum for lunch and tea which I did, thinking it would be nice and an easy day. It was a million times harder than I ever imagined it to be. The home and staff were absolutely wonderful and created a magical day , not unlike they do every day, they are angels and I know mum receives exceptional care. Why is it then I feel so awful, the meal was perfect, the atmosphere wonderful but the problem was the dementia. God, how I hate the disease. My mum couldn't believe it was Christmas day, the presents she unwrapped she didn't want opening (chocolates, soaps, talcs etc) I was to leave them so she could take them home with her. She mentioned home more times in this one day than she has since she went in the home. She couldn't understand why she needed help all the time, despite the fact her mobility is almost zero and she told me to let go of her when I tried to help. All I want is my mum back and Christmas day to be like it used to be. So the Turkey has been eaten and now I'm at home with the tears and the emotional turmoil that accompanies my frustrations and lack of patience with mums behaviour. All I know is that tomorrow, mum will more than likely as different again, but I won't be :-(

 

[jenniferpa]

All I know is that tomorrow, mum will more than likely as different again, but I won't be :-(

I think that is one of the most difficult things to cope with in an emotional sense: as a carer you are left with all the residual distress and you can't forget.

I'm so sorry your day didn't work out as you hoped. I'm sure that your mother picked up on the whole "It's Christmas, and Christmas means home" vibe which is understandable, but makes it no easier for you.

Regrets and loss: sometimes I think that's the overriding Christmas theme.

 

[Sunset-lad]

Regrets and loss I think sums it up Jennifer

 

[optocarol]

Was just about tears here too - not because OH is on a home, but I sincerely hope he will be this time next year. Was OK (more or less) till he started saying things like, "When is she (my sister) going?" He didn't know that's who it was; this went on for hours, till I just about couldn't stand it. Finally she did go home and I went to bed at 9p.m.!

 

[Sunset-lad]

Was just about tears here too - not because OH is on a home, but I sincerely hope he will be this time next year. Was OK (more or less) till he started saying things like, "When is she (my sister) going?" He didn't know that's who it was; this went on for hours, till I just about couldn't stand it. Finally she did go home and I went to bed at 9p.m.!

And that's how cruel this disease is, its torture for all concerned. Hope you managed some sleep and feel ready to cope with whatever today throws at you.

 

[Boldredrosie]

It was my first Christmas with my boyfriend who clearly thought he understood a little about dementia (his previous girlfriend's parents sound like they have MCI) until exposed yesterday to Ma in full repetitive distress mode.

Yesterday she decided that this wasn't her house (although she's done a good job of convincing the memory clinic and SS that it's *her* house to such an extent they think I'm trying to rob her!). Nothing I could say would convince her that she'd lived her for 10 years. She settled about two this morning but then came into our bedroom about 10am and this has really upset the boyfriend who's gone for a walk.

Really, this is an awful condition that has consequences far beyond the person.

 

[poster]

Today I spent Christmas day with my mum who went into a care home back in November after I cared for her for 11 years ( the last two with a diagnosis of vascular dementia)
I was invited to join mum for lunch and tea which I did, thinking it would be nice and an easy day. It was a million times harder than I ever imagined it to be. The home and staff were absolutely wonderful and created a magical day , not unlike they do every day, they are angels and I know mum receives exceptional care. Why is it then I feel so awful, the meal was perfect, the atmosphere wonderful but the problem was the dementia. God, how I hate the disease. My mum couldn't believe it was Christmas day, the presents she unwrapped she didn't want opening (chocolates, soaps, talcs etc) I was to leave them so she could take them home with her. She mentioned home more times in this one day than she has since she went in the home. She couldn't understand why she needed help all the time, despite the fact her mobility is almost zero and she told me to let go of her when I tried to help. All I want is my mum back and Christmas day to be like it used to be. So the Turkey has been eaten and now I'm at home with the tears and the emotional turmoil that accompanies my frustrations and lack of patience with mums behaviour. All I know is that tomorrow, mum will more than likely as different again, but I won't be :-(

Sorry your day turned out as it did. One thing I have come to realise is that as much as we wish we could turn back the clock, we cannot. We have to face the facts as they are now. My mum has vascular dementia as well and because she lives nowhere near me I do not see her at Christmas. She too is in a home and had a nice day and has mobility issues too. We are going trough a very rocky patch and I am just taking one day at a time. The problem with me and my mum is control. I know she cannot help it but she has given me an ultimatum which is do as I want or do not see me again.