Trying to understand - what do you think

[mutters]

Hi Everybody,
I have reached the point where I feel I need a bit of support in just accepting what's going on.
I will start a blog as I hope I can help others in return but for now here's my dilemma.
My dad has now been in care since May and is on an EMI ward in a great care home having been diagnosed at 83 with rapid onset dementia, Alzheimers and Korsakoffs syndrome and up to now I have helped my Mum and my siblings make sense of his behaviour through tons of research ( no doubt you will all have done just the same)..
More recently I seem to be the catalyst for what has become very spiteful aggression -
whilst until a few weeks ago I could visit and share an hour with him in his very confused state - now he is very clear when I visit and he will spit, punch and bite - His language has become very "blue" and his aggression turns to mockery suggesting that I am any number of things from boring to uncaring.
This isn't happening to my brother or sister who don't see him so often but occasionally happens to my mother.
Between my mum and I we aim to visit most days but it is getting harder and his condition is causing a disconnect between how we feel and how we should feel.
I will continue to visit and hope for the days when he is calmer but so far there hasn't been any good ones in the last two months.
any ideas how to combat this recent spell or are we seeing a decline in my dads condition.

 

[lin1]

Hello Mutters. Welcome to TP.
I hope you find TP as helpful and supportive as I have.

Please don't feel bad about the way you are starting to feel, under the onslaught of how this vile disease is making your dad behave to you and your Mum, it is perfectly understandable.
Horrid though this may sound , it might be better for you all if you and Mum didn't Visit for a while. This may give a chance of breaking the connection in the way dad treats you and mum .
If you feel you can't do the above or if it doesn't work then
Till dad is over this horrid stage, it may be best to leave as soon as dad starts to get nasty and for you both to cut down the amount of times you visit each week and perhaps go together so you can support each other during and directly afterwards.
My mum used to chase us around trying to attack us with the plastic salt container, if my mum had known what she was doing, she would have been horrified.

 

[marionq]

I agree with Lin1. You need to break the link of aggression between Dad and you and your Mum. Give yourself a 3 or 4 day break and if that doesn't work try a week. If that doesn't work it will have to be longer. He may eventually not recognise you both as the people he goaded.

 

[MrsTerryN]

Mutters I had the same problem.. Mum was quite abusive and I was already going on holiday so I brought my break visiting a few days earlier. By the end of the two weeks mum had forgotten what the issue was.
She had actually created a new one but at least that particular issue I could fix and then she was fine.
I am crossing my fingers it lasts it has been four weeks

 

[mutters]

Thanks for looking in

Hi Lin 1
I have been away at work for a couple of days since my post and have not visited this weekend so far..
When my brother has visited my father has been asleep so no problems there.
I hope you understand when I say its good to hear from somebody who understands (even though it means you are in the same place)
I will let you know how the next visit goes -
We have been leaving when things kick off and we have been visiting together as my mum doesn't drive so im hoping the break will help.
Thanks again
Mark

Hello Mutters. Welcome to TP.
I hope you find TP as helpful and supportive as I have.

Please don't feel bad about the way you are starting to feel, under the onslaught of how this vile disease is making your dad behave to you and your Mum, it is perfectly understandable.
Horrid though this may sound , it might be better for you all if you and Mum didn't Visit for a while. This may give a chance of breaking the connection in the way dad treats you and mum .
If you feel you can't do the above or if it doesn't work then
Till dad is over this horrid stage, it may be best to leave as soon as dad starts to get nasty and for you both to cut down the amount of times you visit each week and perhaps go together so you can support each other during and directly afterwards.
My mum used to chase us around trying to attack us with the plastic salt container, if my mum had known what she was doing, she would have been horrified.

 

[mutters]

Taking your advice

Hi Marionq

Thank you for getting involved
This Sunday will be the first visit since my post so I will let you know how things pan out.
I appreciate your support and that of everybody else

Thanks

Mark

I agree with Lin1. You need to break the link of aggression between Dad and you and your Mum. Give yourself a 3 or 4 day break and if that doesn't work try a week. If that doesn't work it will have to be longer. He may eventually not recognise you both as the people he goaded.

 

[mutters]

Thanks for listening

I will keep my fingers crossed for you too -
I have a feeling things will get tougher before they get any easier..
We started trying to manage my Dad but now its more about managing the emotional stretch of this abusive condition.
its great to know we have the support of people like you

Thanks

Mark

Mutters I had the same problem.. Mum was quite abusive and I was already going on holiday so I brought my break visiting a few days earlier. By the end of the two weeks mum had forgotten what the issue was.
She had actually created a new one but at least that particular issue I could fix and then she was fine.
I am crossing my fingers it lasts it has been four weeks

 

[lin1]

Hello Mutters.
I hope their is a big improvement on Sunday.

 

[mutters]

Sorry to say - npt much better

Well
We are through Christmas and the New Year
Happy New Year to you all by the way.

My father is much the same - aggressive most of the time, I showed him a picture of my brothers newborn son (27th December) on my phone but he simply started to punch the phone.
It seems that nothing registers any more and whilst I can handle this my Mum says she hates the person that he has become when he is like this.
It helps to remind her that this isn't Dad but is a different person on these days but never the less it does make you wonder where this will all go?
Its a shame her most recent memories will never be the good times.

I will keep you posted

Cheers

Mark

 

[Gigglemore]

How very sad for you - and heartbreaking for your poor Mum.

 

[Ash148]

I understand too even though this was only a brief phase for my mum. It was still very hard to bear. My heart goes out to you.