I don't post much these days, but I do check in now and again as I still feel this is the only place where people understand dementia, and all that it bestows upon us. It was a year yesterday since mum died. Initially I thought I was doing OK. I distracted myself with lots of contact with friends and a few holidays, but I now think that didn't do me a huge favour as I seem to be coping worse now than I was then. I'm not crying as much, but my head is still full of all the horrible dementia memories, upsetting my thoughts, and stopping me from moving on with my life. Am I depressed? I don't know, I don't think so. But I feel so down at times. I have no purpose in my life now. Dementia seems to have taken so much away from me - not just my lovely mum, but my job, my ability to work and my confidence as well. What a horrid disease. I hate what it does to family and carers, as well as the sufferer. One year on, I have no regrets about how hard it was caring for mum, but I'm not in a good place. Maybe it's too soon, maybe I need more time. Maybe I need to go and see that counsellor again. Will I ever get over this? Probably not. Will I ever feel any better about it all? I hope so. It has definitely changed me, and not in a good way. The counsellor who I went to see a couple of times while caring for mum was good, but I don't think she really 'got' dementia, which didn't help. I wish there was someone out there who really understood what we go through as carers, and specialised in post caring counselling. I've been through a huge trauma, but feel there's help for me out there. Maybe I just need more time … I hope so!