1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. AnitaSzaban

    AnitaSzaban New member

    Aug 30, 2019
    5
    I have just come home from seeing my mum and step father, it’s his birthday today 80, he has vascular dementia. Ive posted previous how my mum is struggling but this evening I’ve seen him in action, swearing very loudly whilst out at a social club,( luckily they understand) but he demands from my mum, ordering her about if she doesn’t get his drink he wants then he swears at her and is vocally aggressive, he is now constantly talking about SEX, mum told me that the previous night he demanded sex ( this had been none existent for 30 plus years) when she declined and tried to explain its been too many years etc he tried kicking her out the bed and being generally very nasty, she has said he has pushed her but not hit her, she grabbed hold of him to stop herself falling out the bed ( she is disabled) and has bruised his arm, she is saying she can’t go on much longer and we don’t know half the abuse, everything is Tom do with sex and this is to anyone, he is quite vulgar. He will not cut down on drinking weekends, he is insisting on going to the social club weekdays which they have never done before and mum is tiring, she said she is beginning to hate him, she is disabled and suffers with panic attacks and depression herself. Any advise ? He won’t have any help in the house , he won’t go to clubs or respite etc thanks in advance x worried daughter
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,578
    Female
    South coast
    His GP needs to know about this. Both of them are vulnerable people at risk of harm, or causing harm.
    There is medication that can help, so ask for him to be referred to the Community Psychiatric Team
     
  3. AnitaSzaban

    AnitaSzaban New member

    Aug 30, 2019
    5
    As I was made appointee with ads doctors I made an appointment to go see her, I left my partner at home with roy making out h didn’t feel well and took mum with me . Doctor has referred Roy back to his mental health doctor who wasn’t due to see him for another 6 months. Imexpressed my concerns for both of them but more importantly my mum as without her he would have no choice but to go into a him. Mum took on board what the doctor said, nurse has been out to check blood and weight , blood pressure etc in case there’s an underlying problem, when results are back there will be a home visit about the results and his cold test. This week he has only so far insisted on going out once in the evening, so fingers crossed for a quick mental health appointment
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,578
    Female
    South coast
    Well done
    Fingers duly crossed
    xx
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,598
    Kent
    Hello @AnitaSzaban

    Does your mum have a safe place in the house?

    Our son put a bolt on our bedroom door. In that room was a phone and also my computer a radio and television. When my husband had an outburst it was my safe place.

    Most times I could stay there until the outburst had blown over. I knew if I needed help I could get it.

    It`s a waste of time and precious energy for your mum to try to persuade your step father to comply with her reasoning, especially if he is under the influence of drink and experiencing an episode caused by his dementia.

    I hope the Mental Health Team arrange an appointment quickly.
     
  6. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,173
    You are doing amazingly, & the first steps are the hardest ones to take. I know this is heartbreaking at times, but you don’t walk this path alone
    (((((Hugs))))))
     

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