Trying to get our parents to take respite care

[Brianppw]

My dad is 95 and has been my 86 year old mothers main carer for the last 25 years since she was diagnosed with MS. Dad is now showing signs of advanced dementia - doesn't know what rooms are what, wants to know when he's going home even though he is already there, scared by his reflection, forgets to drink, leaves the gas ring on, the doors unlocked, forgets who his wife is, becomes very agitated as the day goes on and has very disturbed sleep pattern. His condition has really accelerated over the last month. He is now constantly falling and unable to care for himself let alone mum.
The problem is they won't admit how bad things are and mum seems to think she can care for herself which she hasn't done for 25 years - she's wheelchair bound and neither of them have been out of the house for a year -unless being taken to hospital.
My brother and sister in-law live close by and are being driven into the ground by trying to care for them and have some kind of life themselves.
We are trying to get my dad assessed but it is so slow and the mental health unit just delayed his appointment until March - his GP is so slow and chasing up the assessment is low on his priority list.
We have asked mum and dad to consider respite care for two weeks following dad having multiple falls and the Christmas period from hell! They just won't have it, a care home is just not their cup of tea, we asked them to consider having carers in more than three times a week and they said they don't need it - they both think they are fine as they are.
How can we get them to see sense before dad leaves the gas on or burns the house down!
Right now my brother and sister in-law are getting my parents up, washing and dressing them, making them breakfast - doing a days work - then putting them to bed - its exhausting.

 

[fizzie]

With two of them to look after it might be much better value and much less hassle to have a live in carer from an agency that is if you are self funding, social services won't fund this. Does your Ma have ceiling hoist so that she is one person not two when being moved?

If you think this is a good idea I would just lay down the law to them that this is what they need.

if you are not self funding I think if you phoned adult care and told them it is a safeguarding issue as there isn't anyone to look after them and they are vulnerable and at risk and need an emergency assessment then they will have to put something in place. You will need to force their hand - to wait til March sounds as though they think this is just a run of the mill assessment.

 

[DMac]

Do your parents both still have mental capacity? If so, unfortunately, if they won't take your advice, you have no alternative but to wait for a crisis to happen, which will then force the issue.

If one or both of them lacks mental capacity, then their doctors and social services must act in their best interests. This will take matters out of their hands.

I'm sure someone will be able to explain this better than I can, but in essence what I'm trying to say is don't worry about matters which are out of your control. Difficult, I know, but one person can only do so much.

 

[Brianppw]

With two of them to look after it might be much better value and much less hassle to have a live in carer from an agency that is if you are self funding, social services won't fund this. Does your Ma have ceiling hoist so that she is one person not two when being moved?

If you think this is a good idea I would just lay down the law to them that this is what they need.

if you are not self funding I think if you phoned adult care and told them it is a safeguarding issue as there isn't anyone to look after them and they are vulnerable and at risk and need an emergency assessment then they will have to put something in place. You will need to force their hand - to wait til March sounds as though they think this is just a run of the mill assessment.

I think we are going to go down the social services route - it's that or waiting for an incident to occur and who knows what the consequences would be.
They just won't accept any additional help or change anything from the way things are - it's destroying the lives of those around them who are trying to help them. The only question is where the social services route will lead?

 

[Brianppw]

Do your parents both still have mental capacity? If so, unfortunately, if they won't take your advice, you have no alternative but to wait for a crisis to happen, which will then force the issue.

If one or both of them lacks mental capacity, then their doctors and social services must act in their best interests. This will take matters out of their hands.

I'm sure someone will be able to explain this better than I can, but in essence what I'm trying to say is don't worry about matters which are out of your control. Difficult, I know, but one person can only do so much.

Thanks to you and Fizzie for your comments - as per my previous response we will try social services next - see where that goes....

 

[Bessieb]

Hi Brianppw

I had a similar situation with my parents who both have Alzheimers. A crisis eventually made the decision for us and they are now in a lovely CH together.

If you do think that a CH is the likely outcome be aware that it is reasonable tricky to find a CH that take couples. So whilst you are going down the SS route (which I think you are right to do btw) I would do a bit of research to find a CH that you are happy with that takes couples. SS might not have time to do enough research and might suggest a solution that splits them up and (I assume) this isn't what you want.

If you find a CH that takes couples and you like it then suggest it to SS and because couples are a tricky thing for them they might just go for your suggestion immediately. This is what happened with my parents - SS were very happy that I had done the legwork for them.

Just a thought anyway