Trying to accept loss during Covid

[Sofie_w]

My grandma passed away early hours of Sunday morning. She died peacefully but it was so sudden and the home she was in would not allow more than one of us inside to say goodbye. My mum obviously took priority as this is her mum but we were both devastated that I couldn’t say goodbye when we have been so close my whole life.

due to Covid we have not been able to hug or kiss her or be within 4 metres of her for 8 months and because of her dementia, FaceTime and phone calls weren’t an option.
We feel robbed of a moment where we could have held her hand and told her we loved her as she passed away. We feel robbed of the last 8 months of her life whilst she had no idea what was going on. We are constantly thinking ‘what if she did remember us and in that moment thought that we had abandoned her’. It’s soul crushing to begin to think about.
I got to visit her in the chapel or rest today and chose to have the coffin open. I thought this would bring me closure but it did the complete opposite. She didn’t look like the granny I know and love so much and I felt she wouldn’t have wanted us to see her like that so we left the room after 30 seconds. It is so painful knowing that the closest I got to be with her in 8 months is when she is resting in a coffin.

I feel angry at the system and how the elderly have been barricaded away from us (I know for their own safety but my granny would have wanted to share her last moment with us at least), I feel sad that the last time I kissed her was 8 months ago and didn’t know this would be the last time. I am really struggling to come to terms with all of this and not sure if I ever will

 

[nellbelles]

My sincere condolences on your loss @Sofie_w
it must be so difficult at this time to feel that you did the best that you could..BUT you did these are unprecedented times, I hope as time passes you can feel more at peace with how things turned Out.. please consider counselling if things overwhelm you too much

 

[Unhappy15]

Hello Sofie,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Grandma.

I totally understand how you are feeling and I share your anger.
My husband had dementia and was in care for four and a half years and during that time I visited almost everyday, he was my life. The care home went into lockdown a week before the national lockdown and no visits were allowed, I knew that I would never see him again. There was Covid in the home and they lost 15 residents, my husband was one and he died on the 4th of April.
I was not allowed to see him in either the home or the Chapel of Rest and could not take any clothes for him because of all of the restrictions at that time, I also had to have a direct cremation for him. The only thing that helped was that he didn't die on a trolley in a hospital corridor on his own.

I have the same thoughts as you, did he think I had abandoned him, I couldn't hold his hand to say goodbye and to tell him I loved him. The last seven months since his death have been very difficult, how does someone you have spent 40 years with just disappear?

Like you, I am extremely angry how dare we be denied the right to say goodbye to a loved one or even be able to have a funeral as part of closure. I am so angry I don't know where to go with it. It's genocide on older people, someone needs to be accountable for this treatment.

Sofie, what you have to hold onto is that you loved your grandma dearly and she knew that, hold onto that thought and all I pray is that everyone who has experienced what we have finds peace because that is what our loved ones would want.
Keep safe
Kathy

 

[Sofie_w]

Thank you for your lovely response @nellbelles

 

[Sofie_w]

Hi Kathy,

Thank you so much for your lovely message and I am so so sorry you had to go through this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

From my experience, the chapel of rest was not comforting for me, nor did it feel like closure. It was quite traumatic and not how our loved ones would want us to remember them but again i am so so sorry that you didn't even have that choice. We all deserve a choice, as do our loved ones. We also were not allowed to have any of her clothes to dress her which in itself is really upsetting and makes you feel like you can't even have one thing come easy in all of this. I am shocked and appalled at what you had to go through and I really hope with time that you are able to heal from this. Not forget or put it behind you but to heal knowing how much your husband loved you. Dementia is so cruel in itself and strips our loved ones memories whilst leaving them confused and us heartbroken.

I think the only thing my mum and I find comforting at this time is that she did not pass away on her own, she was holding hands with a lovely member of staff who clearly cared for her and she endured 4 years of the most incredible care from the home she was in. She is also now at peace with my grandad who she waited 35 years to be with again so this is extremely comforting for us as we know this is exactly where she is now and I truly believe your husband will wait a lifetime for you up there too.


Kathy I am truly so sorry about your husband but it is comforting knowing that we are not alone and that we have others we can talk to about this even if it not be face to face. We will try to remember our loved ones for all the incredible special memories we shared with them.

Please stay safe xx

 

[Marcelle123]

I am so sorry to read of these sad experiences. Wishing you peace & solace, @Sofie_w and @Unhappy15.
You did your best, all you were allowed to do, but it must be such a bitter thing to think about what happened. xx

 

[Hazara8]

My grandma passed away early hours of Sunday morning. She died peacefully but it was so sudden and the home she was in would not allow more than one of us inside to say goodbye. My mum obviously took priority as this is her mum but we were both devastated that I couldn’t say goodbye when we have been so close my whole life.

due to Covid we have not been able to hug or kiss her or be within 4 metres of her for 8 months and because of her dementia, FaceTime and phone calls weren’t an option.
We feel robbed of a moment where we could have held her hand and told her we loved her as she passed away. We feel robbed of the last 8 months of her life whilst she had no idea what was going on. We are constantly thinking ‘what if she did remember us and in that moment thought that we had abandoned her’. It’s soul crushing to begin to think about.
I got to visit her in the chapel or rest today and chose to have the coffin open. I thought this would bring me closure but it did the complete opposite. She didn’t look like the granny I know and love so much and I felt she wouldn’t have wanted us to see her like that so we left the room after 30 seconds. It is so painful knowing that the closest I got to be with her in 8 months is when she is resting in a coffin.

I feel angry at the system and how the elderly have been barricaded away from us (I know for their own safety but my granny would have wanted to share her last moment with us at least), I feel sad that the last time I kissed her was 8 months ago and didn’t know this would be the last time. I am really struggling to come to terms with all of this and not sure if I ever will

This has been a very difficult time for the many who have been denied the close proximity and physical presence which is a very significant part of a relationship with a loved one living with dementia. The truth is that the innate humanity within us cannot equate the restrictions now in force as having any bearing on the highly important role of compassionate instinctive touch or embrace which communicates immensely in so many ways, whereas words often fail. If dementia is ongoing and perhaps relatively advanced, then the " normal" memory being very compromised will actually eliminate that dilemma you cite in respect of ..." thought that we had abandoned her". What WE so often speculate or fear as being the case, is in actual fact not so at all. Dementia gives the " gift" of forgetfulness as a given which can be a ' positive ' when it comes to all those aspects of thought which inhabit a mind free of disease, which can imagine, be anxious, think about all manner of negative things and sow the seeds of worry and anxiety.
So one can see that all the occasions and moments which took place prior to Covid-19 and in which a relationship with a beloved grandparent was free of any such restriction as is the situation now, all of that remains untouched. The joy of a loving embrace and the subsequent smile , all of that can never change nor be touched by anything. And sometimes it is wiser to maintain the image of someone as they truly were, as they lived and breathed rather than when tainted by sickness or as a body after life has left, because it distorts what has been and what was actual at the time. So often it is we who feel abandoned at these times, the sense of loss and the nagging regrets which find no solace. The twenty eight days during which l remained at my mother's bedside in hospital, l can accept as a privilege in respect of these current restrictions. Yet even then, l can herald the many many years of her life equally so. The upbringing , the fun and joy, her constant presence when one was young and unsure, or perhaps laying in the sick bed, knowing that she would always be there. None of that changes, none of that dies, because it was. Death is as much an integral and truthful part of life as life itself. As human beings that remains the most challenging " truth" which we have to address. That " truth" in itself knows nothing of problems. And we glimpse that very same "truth" in love...... if we are lucky.