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Trying not to get frustrated and angry

vinangel

Registered User
Oct 9, 2013
6
0
Bristol , Nth Somerset
Hi All,
I am new to the site and this is my first post (virgin) lol.
My wife and I are trying to cope with my Mother who is 83 and is, we believe, in the first stages of dementia/ alzheimers? As yet she is undiagnosed but has had a memory test at the doctors in which she failed miserably.
We are struggling to know how to handle the situation as she refuses to get any medical help and the only time she goes out is under duress when we take her food shopping to the supermarket.
She has lived alone since 2000 when my Father died of a stroke. We did not realise how bad she was until we recently moved her from London to be nearer to us. We now see that she is not looking after herself properly. She will not bathe or shower, she will not use the washing machine or the cooker, all her meals have to be microwave or cooked by us.
There are many more problems but my main concern is getting her to see doctors etc., she has type 2 diabetes so needs her eyes checked but she says no way, its her life and her decision not to go.
What to do?
 

juniepoonie

Registered User
Jun 11, 2013
727
0
essex
oh vinangel seems a bit of a tricky one dosent it. let me say welcome to TP im sure someone with more experience than me will be along soon with some good advice for you. Its all very confusing when you are starting out on this journey isn't it. Could you get the gp to do a home visit if mum wont go to him . If you maybe explane whats happening at home. Though I realise not all gp practices will do this. Though im sure if you were to get in touch with your local Althiemers Sociaty they could advise you where you go from here an they will send someone out to asses the situation. good luch vinangel juniepoonie
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
15,134
0
South Staffordshire
Hi and welcome to TP.

The journey you have started will be full of frustration and anger but with the help, advice and friendship you will find here, hopefully it will all be made a bit easier for you.

At the moment your Mother is adamant she will not seek help and unfortunately there is nothing you can do. If you can at some time in the near future manage to get her to see her doctor on some pretext then take a letter to him/her explaining your Mother's behaviour and your concerns. Make sure they have time to read it before seeing your Mother and leave it to them to try to help. That way you cannot be blamed for the doctor's intervention.

Life will be full of subterfuge both from yourselves and your Mother but if it gets results it is acceptable and usually very necessary.

Good luck,



Jay
 

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
0
I notice you say she had a memory test at the doctors 'which she failed miserably'. Surely you can get back in touch with that doctor and express your concerns for her welfare? I would imagine if they had been involved in the test they have a duty of care particularly if she the test shows she has lost 'capacity'. Good luck the road we tread is not an easy one.
 

sarafina

Registered User
Sep 28, 2009
13
0
What to do

Hi All,
I am new to the site and this is my first post (virgin) lol.
My wife and I are trying to cope with my Mother who is 83 and is, we believe, in the first stages of dementia/ alzheimers? As yet she is undiagnosed but has had a memory test at the doctors in which she failed miserably.
We are struggling to know how to handle the situation as she refuses to get any medical help and the only time she goes out is under duress when we take her food shopping to the supermarket.
She has lived alone since 2000 when my Father died of a stroke. We did not realise how bad she was until we recently moved her from London to be nearer to us. We now see that she is not looking after herself properly. She will not bathe or shower, she will not use the washing machine or the cooker, all her meals have to be microwave or cooked by us.
There are many more problems but my main concern is getting her to see doctors etc., she has type 2 diabetes so needs her eyes checked but she says no way, its her life and her decision not to go.
What to do?

Have a conversation with her GP, explain situation and concerns, ask for home visit, get GP to make referral for Social worker and a Memory clinic, where Dementia specialists perform in-depth assessments. The psychiatrist usually sees the patient in their own home, professionals are there to give you the support and advise you need, persevere as the sooner you do this the better, unfortunately if it is dementia, it gets a lot worse.
 

zeeeb

Registered User
Often, a crisis needs to happen to get anything to change. It is her decision if she doesn't want to see a doctor, and perhaps you need to play the tough love game and say, well that's fine, if you don't want to see the doctor, you'll end up in hospital, if you have eye problems you'll do yourself some harm, and then you'll end up in an ambulance because you wouldn't have your eyes checked.

Tell her that you want to help her, but she needs to help herself, at that age, if she doesn't want to look after her health and well being by seeing a doctor regularly, perhaps you need to step back and let her fall a few times so that she can see that she's no longer as spritely and able as she once was.

It's tough, but it shouldn't need to all fall on your shoulders because she's is fearful and / or stubborn.
 

vinangel

Registered User
Oct 9, 2013
6
0
Bristol , Nth Somerset
oh vinangel seems a bit of a tricky one dosent it. let me say welcome to TP im sure someone with more experience than me will be along soon with some good advice for you. Its all very confusing when you are starting out on this journey isn't it. Could you get the gp to do a home visit if mum wont go to him . If you maybe explane whats happening at home. Though I realise not all gp practices will do this. Though im sure if you were to get in touch with your local Althiemers Sociaty they could advise you where you go from here an they will send someone out to asses the situation. good luch vinangel juniepoonie

Hi juniepoonie, thanks for your advice, Mum has been to the GP a little while ago and he did try to send her to the memory clinic to be properly assessed but its there she will not go. I wonder if the local AS would do anything without her being diagnosed? Might try that avenue though. Thankyou
 

vinangel

Registered User
Oct 9, 2013
6
0
Bristol , Nth Somerset
Have a conversation with her GP, explain situation and concerns, ask for home visit, get GP to make referral for Social worker and a Memory clinic, where Dementia specialists perform in-depth assessments. The psychiatrist usually sees the patient in their own home, professionals are there to give you the support and advise you need, persevere as the sooner you do this the better, unfortunately if it is dementia, it gets a lot worse.

Hi Sarafina, her GP did try to get her to go to the memory clinic but she will not go and she would be really angry if social services were involved. The problem is if we push her too hard she threatens to 'top herself' and then she would'nt be a worry to anyone. I feel like my hands are tied :mad:
 

vinangel

Registered User
Oct 9, 2013
6
0
Bristol , Nth Somerset
Often, a crisis needs to happen to get anything to change. It is her decision if she doesn't want to see a doctor, and perhaps you need to play the tough love game and say, well that's fine, if you don't want to see the doctor, you'll end up in hospital, if you have eye problems you'll do yourself some harm, and then you'll end up in an ambulance because you wouldn't have your eyes checked.

Tell her that you want to help her, but she needs to help herself, at that age, if she doesn't want to look after her health and well being by seeing a doctor regularly, perhaps you need to step back and let her fall a few times so that she can see that she's no longer as spritely and able as she once was.

It's tough, but it shouldn't need to all fall on your shoulders because she's is fearful and / or stubborn.

Hi Zeeb, thanks for your response but we have tried the tough love approach with no luck, she just says if it happens it happens and don't worry about her! She just wants to be left alone and not 'messed about'. She refuses to talk about it as it makes her feel ill and if we carry on she'll 'top herself'.
I think you're right we have to back off and let things happen as hard as that might be:mad:
 

loveahug

Registered User
Nov 28, 2012
1,071
0
Moved to Leicester
Hi

We had exactly the same problems with my mother, although she did go to the memory clinic and was happy to accept that her brain was shrinking, she just completely refused to accept there was anything wrong. Because of her self neglect she eventually ended up in hospital with pneumonia and was only allowed home (by me)when I said 'ok mum, I know you don't need any help at home but your medication is getting complicated and strong, so the nurses (carers) will have to come in 4 times a day to supervise it and make sure you are ok'. As she was desperate to go home, she agreed immediately. She doesn't know she's paying for it (my brother and I have POA) but it's made a vast difference to her health and wellbeing. She's still tried to kill herself a couple of times and she says she's too old now and wants to be with dad.

I relate this to show that you do have to let go and just be prepared to let them fail and then pick them up, but you can't fix the thought processes going on or not going on in their head.

Hugs x
 

jennifer_eccles

Registered User
Apr 4, 2011
97
0
melksham
Give her hope

I had the the same issue as yourselves, My mother came to stay with me xmas three years ago and is still here, I noticed her behaviour was really extreme. I persuaded my mother to visit the GP with me and also the memory clinic using hope, "If it is a form of dementia (I didn't use the word alzheimer's as it a word the elderly are terrified of) the sooner we get it looked at the sooner we find out what it is, they have different meds that can sort it out for you". I did also get her to sign a typed letter I made out to doctors to say I could speak to them. I told her it'd help so they can not hide anything from her. I explained things can have symptoms not unlike alzheimer's such as picks disease. She found some confidence in this and we were able to get the ball rolling. Worth a try
 

doodle1

Registered User
May 11, 2012
256
0
Hi there
poor you -it's really hard when they won't consent to go to the memory clinic etc. Talk to her Gp privately ,say that you realise that they cannot discuss her without her consent but that you wish to inform them of the situation as you see it [and put all your concerns in writing ] then ask them to get the memory clinic to visit at home [this is what happened with my mum]. They don't want to but they will if you are persistent enough.Also ask them point blank if the memory test showed she has CAPACITY [magic word].
My mum also threatened to get really angry but you don't have to mention SS as such ,just as people to help her with her memory .If she is getting really angry also mention this to her Gp .If you can go with her to the Gp [not asking if you can come in with her but merely getting up and going in with her]you can always say when you get into the surgery and are sitting down that" you are sure she won't mind you being there ..."....most of the time they won't make a fuss in front of the Gp
There is a stage where anxiety and depression combine in this illness to make a difficult behavioural cocktail-do not rule out drugs even a small amount may help .
As for not going to the optician just make the appointment ,say you're taking her out to lunch /coffee/something and just pop in on the way.Less discussion ,fewer choices for them to stress over.
I sympathise so much . I realise this may sound really patronising with all the subterfuge but anything which preserves their dignity and your sanity is helpful.
wishing you all the best
Jane
 

stillcaring

Registered User
Sep 4, 2011
215
0
I eventually got my mum to the memory clinic only for them to promptly discharge us as there was no suitable help available for us. So I wouldn't stress about getting her there. However the eyes do need sorting. If you back off a bit on the memory issues might she accept she needs to go to the doctors about that?

Don't fret too much about the personal hygeine either -some battles are just not worth fighting. My mum doesn't bath / shower and hasn't done for years. She doesn't smell, luckily. She can only cook 2 meals now and has them alternately, but must be getting a vaguely balance diet as she's physically OK for 87. I have managed to convince her that the government pay for someone to take her to the hairdressers once a week (I pay using her money with PoA) so she does get her hair washed which makes her look vaguely presentable. And she now lets the carer who does that clean for an hour too, but it's taken years to get to this stage. At the end of the day it's their life and we can't make them live it to our standards. If she doesn't mind being dirty, why should you feel bad about it.