• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Trusting other people


Registered User
Jan 12, 2008
Hi Peter here, my Mum has Alzheimer's and was diagnosed about 2 years ago. She has just turned 61yrs. Recently she has been soiling her self and will only let my dad take her to the toilet and bath her. although, my sister lives with them she will not let her bath her or take her to the toilet and when she does becomes very moody and aggressive insisting that my dad does it. My dad is worn out with caring for my mum 24hours a day. Has anyone got any advice of how we can get her to trust my sister to help dad.


Registered User
Oct 15, 2007
Hi, my mother also has AD and is only 63. We have lots of care in place at home now which gives my father a break. Does your father have any help? Have you tried the local Alzheimers society or Crossroads or Allied Healthcare. Perhaps your mother will warm to someone other than your sister, then your father and sister get a break. All the best, it is the most horrendous illness..


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Peter, your mum is young to have AD, and it must be so difficult for your dad to cope with.

Do they not have any support in place? You need to speak to the social worker, if you have one. If not, see the GP and ask for a referral.

As your mum's condition has deteriorated, she needs to be assessed for support. Your dad should also ask for a carers assessment, so that he can get cover for a few hours break each week. He needs to stress how bad things are, and that he cannot cope without help.

The SW will also refer to the incontinence service, and may also send nurses in to bath your mum. Once those are sorted out, that should take some of the pressure off your dad.

But do stress to him that he has to paint the blackest picture, otherwise he may be left to get on with it.

Good luck, and let us know how you get on.


Registered User
Jan 12, 2008
Thanks for the replies. My Family has recently move to Ireland and as yet have not had any contact with any social workers but it is been looked into at the moment.

I think a big problem is with my Dad. I know he would benefit from support but he feels he is letting mum down and covers up a lot of her illness. He does not want to burden us or other with the illness and feels it is his sole responsibility to care for her consequently Mun is solely reliant on him.

Again thanks for your help.


Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
Hi Peter and welcome to TP.

It's always sad to read of someone so young to have this illness. I can understand your father wanting to fully take care for your mum and how your mum wants him to. Your dad has to be careful that he doesn't wear himself out, so it's good that other areas of support are being looked into. Hopefully your dad will be persuaded to accept some extra help. Regards Taffy.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Peter

I can understand how your dad feels, but try to get through to him that it is not a good idea to try to do it all himself. I did the same, and reached breaking-point before I would accept help -- not a sensible thing to do!

It would be much easier if carers were gradually introduced as friends, while your mum is still capable of relating to them, and your dad could have a couple of hours break.

All you can do yourself is keep letting your dad know that you're there to support him. Perhaps there is something specific you could offer to take over? (I don't know if you also live in Ireland). Make sure he knows he can talk to you when he needs to, or perhaps introduce him to TP?

Your mum might accept help from a bath nurse rather than your sister, it's often easier to allow a nurse to do personal things rather than a daughter.

I hope you manage to get some help sorted out soon.


Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
Ronda Spain
My wife contracted AD when she was in her very early 60's and we were lucky enough to have a very sympathetic and caring GP who gave me excellent advice.

He told me to start getting Monique used to having people (paid carers) in the house as quickly as possible. This was to get Monique used to having strangers in the house and help with ablutions...

This was excellent advice - to begin with she resisted the occasional visits but as she deteriorated and inevitably the help became more important and frequent she accepted it and now has no problem with total strangers taking her to the loo - showering her...

Persuading your dad may be a bigger problem but help with the washing and toileting is something he will probably accept - and the fact that other men of his own age have also been glad to receive outside help.

I think you need to get in touch with the Social Security services and see what sort of 'help' package is possible as soon as you can.



Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
My mother was the same would not let me wash her .

trying ti introduce her to carer washing her can be hard , but can be done .

If your sister does not mind, your father could start of by inducing her washing your mother now then , they just got to both persevere stand firm when your mother put up an augment , that she just wants your father to do it all for her . while waiting like other have said to get carer in .

My mother finally got use to me washing her , then did not want anyone else to do it . So I said to her that I just needed help for me, as I was to tried to do it all myself .

I use to stand next to carer while she wash mum helping out , then when got use to her, I would just say that I had to do something , so slowly mum got use to carer .

2 year on now , she can somedays say to them , Go home my daughter will do it , but I just say No

Forum statistics

Latest member