Tricky manoeuvres ...

[kingmidas1962]

As some of you will know I am trying to wheedle more time for myself, away from my mum, who is recovering from carer breakdown. This breakdown followed years of caring for my lovely dad who has dementia and is now in care.

With some support, counselling and help from my lovely auntie (who is going to meet up with mum regularly at weekends) I am slowly regaining my life and trying to establish a visiting / caring routine that I can maintain without risk to myself. What I need to do now, after getting two days a week free for work (yes, I did put work before myself which is a mistake I know) is get Saturdays free for myself and my family. I've been tiptoeing round her for so long trying not to upset her that I find it difficult to know what to say to her which makes me feel slightly ridiculous!

... we have such an awkward relationship - even though I'm well and truly an adult I feel like a little girl having to tell her mummy something bad

She is literally only going to have to manage for one Saturday in 4 by herself -auntie will see her every other week and brother comes down once a month. It's whether to tell her my plans or play it one week at a time ... my instinct is to do it one week at a time.

Anyone got any bright ideas?

 

[angecmc]

Hi, you are slowly but surely getting there, well done you. Could your brothers monthly visit be planned to coincide with your Saturday off? At least then you could say that as her son is visiting, you have something else planned for the weekend. Iff that is not possible, I would go with planning it week by week rather than letting her know too much too soon. You may just have to go for it regardless of what her reaction is, my Dad too can be a bit manipulative, if I dont watch it he will have me organising the rest of his life for him It is really difficult and I know what you mean about feeling like a child, it actually makes me angry with myself, but we have to keep reminding ourselves that we have our own lives to lead as well as looking out for our parents. Good luck xx

Ange

 

[kingmidas1962]

Oh the frustration ... my auntie called mum today with the offer to see her on Saturday, to free me up - but no, all mum would say was that she always saw me on a Saturday and flatly refused. They arranged to meet on Wednesday which is one of my working days so no benefit to me at all. I could actually scream! It's not aunties fault, she tried her best ....

I'm still going to say that we tried to make the arrangements for Saturday because I wasn't going to be around and see what bomb drops then ... I'm so angry .... its like everything has to be done at the time she wants, on the day she wants, with the people she wants. In that order.

Aaaargh!!!

 

[Moonflower]

KM, I really feel for you. I'm not seeing my mum tomorrow!
I know how hard it is, but you have to tell her you can't see her on Saturday - little white lie if needed. Don't ask her permission, as she will never give it.

 

[CollegeGirl]

However you decide to tackle this, KingM, I wish you the strength to stand firm. You need this regular day off with your family. You have supported your mum intensely for so long, now it's your turn. You deserve it.

We're all with you xx

 

[angecmc]

poor you She really has a problem doesnt she, I think you are right, you must go round and say that you will not be around on saturday and suggest she rearrange your Aunts visit. Unfortunately some people do seem to become more selfish as they get older, but hey stick to your guns, perhaps you could have something like a work course that you have to do on this one saturday in four as far as she is concerned. Sorry cannot think of anything else, you have my sympathies xx

Ange

 

[jaymor]

I agree with Moonflower, she will never agree to a request so go for it and tell her you have something to do on a Saturday. Maybe a course you employer is sending you on that will take 13 weeks. When the 13 weeks are up and she is still not happy for you to be missing then maybe say you employer said you had done so well they would like you to help with the next course and of course the money would be very useful.

These little white lies roll off the tongue so easily, it's the 7 years practice of caring, I could major in white lies.

Take care and keep smiling,

Jay

 

[kingmidas1962]

I do resolve to stay firm - I DO!!

My LWL (Little White Lie) skills are being very finely honed too. In a way I wish the scales would fall from her eyes and she could see things as they really are - that she's making it so difficult to tell her the truth that I resort to lying. The 'real' mum - how she was when she was 'well' ... would be horrified by that. Or would she? Maybe THIS is the real mum?

I am going to go for the 'Auntie said she will see you on Saturday because I have to go out, so you'll have company for a few hours - did she call you?' and see what she says. I will say that I didn't think she'd turn her down as they don't see as much of each other as they might ...

 

[Moonflower]

For what it's worth KM, I'm getting better at fibbing to mum. I find it easiest to stretch the truth - for example I won't see her on Friday as I am taking daughter to hospital. Now in truth I could pop into mum before going, but she doesn't know that. The hospital trip is genuine enough though.

Sometimes if I genuinely can't see her because of work one day, I don't see her the day before because I have a lot of prep to do.

It does get easier. Truth is, mum isn't really happy whether I'm there or not. I just need to accept that I can't fix things for her.

 

[kingmidas1962]

I must admit the Guilt Monster is not as prevalent as it was, these days.

I have accepted that I cannot make her happy.

She can try to help herself, but she wont (but I still hope that one day she will - ever optimistic!)

I'm happy to visit her, and take her out - but not to my detriment or that of my family.

 

[Jaycee23]

We free our children by putting ourselves first. If your children see you submissive to your mum's manipulative behaviour they learn guilt if they grow up and want a life. Be strong and say to yourself you deserve to be you and have a life and your children will learn to be the same. You had arranged for your Aunt to be with your mum so be strong and tell your mum you have other plans. I hope you find the strength to do that.

 

[kingmidas1962]

That is so true.

I've always said to my daughter that she will NOT be expected to care for me in the way I have done for my mum, ever.

My mum learnt from the master - her own mother. She is an absolute carbon copy. I even hear my nan in her voice sometimes, even though she died when I was only young - especially when mum is complaining about something.

She said to me, many times, 'I will never end up like my mother'.

I am already breaking the mould and I MUST continue for my own sake ....

 

[kingmidas1962]

Turns out I worried a little bit too much .. when I saw mum today the first thing I said was that I wouldn't be around on Saturday, but if she wanted to see Auntie that day instead of tomorrow, she was pretty flexible. Coincidentally mums friend (pretty much the only one she has kept in touch with) had called her yesterday to say she was now feeling better.

In the end mum rearranged Auntie and arranged to meet up with friend so she has something to do on both days!

I do wish she would be a little bit more active in making her own arrangements - I'm sure if she tried just a little bit harder she could have quite a rich social life ...

ho hum! Anyway, I'm looking forward to more days off to come.

 

[Jaycee23]

And when you have them days off do not feel guilty when you enjoy that bit of freedom. We very easily, when they are out of sight start to say to ourselves that things are not so bad.

Turns out I worried a little bit too much .. when I saw mum today the first thing I said was that I wouldn't be around on Saturday, but if she wanted to see Auntie that day instead of tomorrow, she was pretty flexible. Coincidentally mums friend (pretty much the only one she has kept in touch with) had called her yesterday to say she was now feeling better.

In the end mum rearranged Auntie and arranged to meet up with friend so she has something to do on both days!

I do wish she would be a little bit more active in making her own arrangements - I'm sure if she tried just a little bit harder she could have quite a rich social life ...

ho hum! Anyway, I'm looking forward to more days off to come.