Treading gently with my mother.

FoxMulder

Registered User
Apr 16, 2016
24
0
Northampton
Hello, Since my mother have been diagnosed with Alzeheimer's Disease my mother's moods have become unpredictable. She has always been very laid back and level-headed but the past weeks her emotions have swung from frightened, emotional, paranoid and nervous. The past 3 weeks she was so distressed about the tremors she was experiencing in her hand, she was so frightened to be left alone in case she had an accident or fall over. Last week she got very confused and upset about her financial situation and asked me to look into it but got extremely paranoid when she asked how did I know about it as she had forgotten she asked me. I visited her last week to find her in tears and me and my partner spent the whole morning trying to calm her dowm. Yesterday she perked up but seemed in her own little world not really engaging with me. She seemed to be distracted by little things. She is still buying and hording food. Not eating much. I feel I am treading a fine line as she gets so tense when I mentioned about helping her. I have organised home care for her but I may have to pay it out of my pocket on my small income. I have no idea about her financial situation and I don't know how to approach her about helping her with financial situation. What do I do?
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Has Mum had a care needs assessment from the Local Authority Social Adult Care Dept? That would be my first port of call. Then I'd start by saying to Mum that " Mum, I was told you are entitiled to claim Attendance Allowance, but we need to fill in some forms. And while we are filling them in we could fill in this form as well.( LPA) It is just to give me authority to help you with your legal things and with the GP etc if you are ill. After all, if you were knocked down by a bus you wouldn't want just anyone to help you or a stranger to have to sort out your bank" Attendance Allowance could then be used to pay for carers. In the mean time, does she have Internet Banking....you could help her out that way. If she says No then plan b will have to be worked out......but it is a start.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
Hi FoxMulder
I was lucky with dad, he had shared his financial situation with me quite some time before the dementia set in - I do recognise your description, though, as he would ask me to go through his statements with him, then get anxious that I wasn't telling him the truth or become fixated on something and not accept my explanation - I learnt that it was simpler for us both if I organise things quietly for him and only responded to direct questions in vague ways
internet banking was really useful as he could log in and we could check things over together - and he already had most bills paid by direct debit
I appreciate that this will seem a bit covert, however, I think it's time to have a good search of her home and find out as much as you can - she has already asked you to look into her financial position, so you have her permission; even if she has forgotten, you haven't
is she renting her house, or does she own it? is she receiving state pension? does she have a private pension of her own? a widow's pension? any savings?
if she rents and has only state benefits to live on, then it may be easier in a way as the LA may well fund all care - if she has assets, then she will be self-funding and will need to pay HERSELF - please, think very carefully about paying for her care yourself
cragmaid is right, approach her in a pretty businesslike manner and direct her in what to do, and if she resists, back off that time but try again
maybe also contact her GP to check on the mood swings
best wishes
 

FoxMulder

Registered User
Apr 16, 2016
24
0
Northampton
Has Mum had a care needs assessment from the Local Authority Social Adult Care Dept? That would be my first port of call. Then I'd start by saying to Mum that " Mum, I was told you are entitiled to claim Attendance Allowance, but we need to fill in some forms. And while we are filling them in we could fill in this form as well.( LPA) It is just to give me authority to help you with your legal things and with the GP etc if you are ill. After all, if you were knocked down by a bus you wouldn't want just anyone to help you or a stranger to have to sort out your bank" Attendance Allowance could then be used to pay for carers. In the mean time, does she have Internet Banking....you could help her out that way. If she says No then plan b will have to be worked out......but it is a start.

Cragmaid, Thank you for your email. My mother had not a care needs Assessment from the local Authority. I emailed the local county council and they just sent me their brochure with list of contacts of agencies and companies for me to contact. They had refer her to the psychariatic Nurse to deal with her behavioural issues but we are still waiting to hear from them. I don't think she uses Internet banking as now she can hardly use the text mobile or any gadgets now. I will try your approach and have Plan B if that doesn't work. Thanks
 

FoxMulder

Registered User
Apr 16, 2016
24
0
Northampton
Hi FoxMulder
I was lucky with dad, he had shared his financial situation with me quite some time before the dementia set in - I do recognise your description, though, as he would ask me to go through his statements with him, then get anxious that I wasn't telling him the truth or become fixated on something and not accept my explanation - I learnt that it was simpler for us both if I organise things quietly for him and only responded to direct questions in vague ways
internet banking was really useful as he could log in and we could check things over together - and he already had most bills paid by direct debit
I appreciate that this will seem a bit covert, however, I think it's time to have a good search of her home and find out as much as you can - she has already asked you to look into her financial position, so you have her permission; even if she has forgotten, you haven't
is she renting her house, or does she own it? is she receiving state pension? does she have a private pension of her own? a widow's pension? any savings?
if she rents and has only state benefits to live on, then it may be easier in a way as the LA may well fund all care - if she has assets, then she will be self-funding and will need to pay HERSELF - please, think very carefully about paying for her care yourself
cragmaid is right, approach her in a pretty businesslike manner and direct her in what to do, and if she resists, back off that time but try again
maybe also contact her GP to check on the mood swings
best wishes

Hello Shedrech, Thank you for your reply, my mother cannot use a text mobile now and she will find internet banking difficult to do now. The local council wont pay for home care as it will have be self-funded. They are making a lot cuts in social and Adult care even though they spent 53 million on building a new office building in the town centre which beggars belief. They gave me a brochure with list of agencies and organisations to contact. She bought her flat 10 years ago and pays services charges. She got into a flap about the invoice from the company who she pays services charges to . She has missed 2 payments and I had to email them to find out whether she had paid them or not. I said I will help her pay for it but she insisted that they got the invoice wrong. The company want her to write them a letter to show proof that I am her daughter and I can be contacted in case there is problems in paying. So I have thought about writing a general letter and show her and get her to sign it and send it off to the company. This needs gentle handling as she gets very defensive and wont let me help her. She is very confused about what accounts she has. She showed me a bank statement which she took out a loan but she cant remember what the loan was for. She has her bills paid mostly via direct debit but she says she doesn't have much money which is making her very distressed.
One minute she wants my help and the next minute she doesn't want it, its like trying to walk a tightrope with her as I never know which way the ropes sways. However I will have a look in her flat but she has piles of boxes of paperwork, it will be difficult to get a picture of her financial situation and I will have to approach her in a business like manner. I hope this is will help.