trapped

[njc]

Hi there,

I have been caring for a very dear lady for the last 12 years, who now has severe dementia and I am very fond of her but I am not a relative or a paid carer, I was a lodger in her home when she started developing the symptoms of the disease and slowly but surely I became her 'carer' in the absence of anyone else doing it, she has a poor relationship with her two children unfortunately and is devoted to me, I wash her, dress her, brush her teeth, cook her food, clean her house, mow her lawn, and am her constant companion, and for the most part she is very pleasant, but I dont know what will happen in the future, she hates the idea of a care home, cannot stand women generally and it seems I am the only person who has ever been a real friend to her, so she doesn't want me to go anywhere ever, I am completely trapped in this situation. In addition to this her children's attitude is that she should go to a care home, but I know if that happens it would completely destroy her.

Anyhow, on a lighter note, this morning at 5am I hear someone fiddling with the front door, thinking it is a burglar I leap from my bed, charge towards the door, ready to deal with the villain only to find my dear friend about to go for a walk... I have jammed the door at the moment so only I can open it, but what does everyone else do when faced with this problem?

thanks

 

[angecmc]

Hi njc, so sorry you find yourself in this position, especially as it is not your responsibility to care for this person. There is only so far you can go, even when the person is your Mum,Dad,Husband or Wife. My Mum never wanted to go in a carehome, but we had to make that decision as it was becoming dangerous for her to continue being cared for by myself and Dad, she was wandering and becoming aggressive and unfortunately with this vile disease it only gets worse. I dont really see how you can continue for too much longer if your friend is starting to wander, as this is usually followed by aggression, the situation could become intolerable for you. Perhaps you should consider informing social services that she is a vulnerable adult. It is difficult to comment on her children as we dont really know the situation that has caused them to not get on. I think you have to perhaps consider both your safety and your friends in this situation, there is never a happy outcome with this disease. Wishing you good luck.

Ange

 

[starryuk]

Hi njc,
I am sorry you are feeling so trapped. What comes to my mind, not knowing the situation with your friend's family, is that it has been very very lucky for them that they have had you to rely on all these years. I hope they acknowledge that to you.

The family inheritance is going to be severely depleted by care home costs anyway and if there is POA in place they can't just get their hands on your friend's money for themselves surely.... Are you certain about their motivation?

Perhaps it is time for you to think about your own future. Please have something in place for yourself if your friend does have to go into a CH eventually. I feel more worried for you than your friend, who is being cared for so well now and who could seemingly afford to live a good life in a luxury care home in the future.

Of course, these are just my thoughts not knowing all the ins and outs of the situation

best wishes, keep posting, there is so much support and advice for you here on TP

xx

Oh my goodness. I have just thought...what if your friend had escaped and got lost...would the family blame you? As the last poster said, your friend is not actually your responsibility, please take care of yourself.

 

[Wildflower]

I think you should seriously start thinking about yourself and your own future. Your friend will ultimately be taken care of one way or another. I'm concerned you are a lodger and perhaps you should start making moves towards getting your own independent accommodation. If you don't have the finance, start asking about social housing. Please don't allow yourself to become trapped in this situation, you don't have to do it.

 

[Noorza]

I think you are a wonderful person for taking this on, you must have a huge heart because at times I want to run away and that's my own Mum.

I would be inclined to call in social services safeguarding as they can look at care packages in the home and assess what support you can get.

I'd be looking out for new accommodation because the children may well want you out to sell the property if she does need to go into a home. Protect your interests.

 

[steffie60]

How wonderful that this lady has had you for a friend but it seems that you should really seek some professional advice on your situation. If the family is as unkind as it would seem then they will treat you as shabbily and the person you care for. Has this elderly lady made any provision for you in her Will? Care Homes will soon eat through any inheritance that this woman's family would possibly inherit. As a lodger would you become a sitting tenant? The Citizen's Advice Bureau may be a good first point of call for getting an overall picture of how you stand.

If your friend is beginning to wander you could put a deadlock on the front door but this always raises questions of getting out quickly in the event of a fire.

Please do not leave this thinking it will get better, seek professional advice so that when the worst happens you will have some plans, it will be difficult enough losing a close companion let alone getting chucked out of your home.

Sorry if this sounds a bit bleak but truly the nature of people around other people's belongings can be most vulture like and very aggressive so it is always best to protect yourself where you can.

 

[njc]

Thank you all for your comments, it makes it all a lot easier to deal with knowing so many other people are dealing with the same things. Today she is happy, so I am happy...