Hello
@Toppo
Unfortunately, when you are dealing with dementia you cannot use reasoning or persuasion, as by the time they need a care home, this has ben lost. You cannot use the truth as they are unable to comprehend it. You cant say that you are unable to look after him now because in his mind he will think he is perfectly capable of looking after himself. You cant say that you need the break because this will cut no ice as empathy is usually lost too. If you try and use these truths he will not believe you and may well conclude that you dont love him anymore, or that you are trying to get rid of him, or even that you want to go away with a lover. He will think these things because he cannot comprehend the truth, so you cant use it.
So where does this leave you? The only things left are subterfuge and love lies.
Never explain about it in terms of how it will benefit you - always find some positive reason why it will be to his benefit. My OH has just come back from 2 weeks respite. He is very aware and knew it was a care home, but I still didnt tell him the truth (I had become exhausted and needed a rest), because he thinks he can look after himself, even though he has carers coming in to help him wash and dress, and he does almost nothing himself. So I phrased it as a little break (a sort of holiday) and somewhere nice where he could get away from a nagging wife (I had got very stressed). We went for tea and cake there and looked at it together, although I had spoken to the manager a few times and it looked like it would be a good match. The potential resident needs to be assessed by the care home prior to acceptance and this was done discretely while we were there. I put on the act of a life-time and raved about how lovely it was (I also said that if he didnt want to go there I might book myself in - actually not far from the truth!!). He was offered a room while we were there and he agreed. I didnt tell him about it again until I reminded him he was going on holiday on the day he went. The carer got him ready, we got him in the car and off OH and I went.
I did not feel that I had lied to him. Although I referred to it as a break and sort of holiday, I never referred to the care home as a hotel. It did become like a holiday, though and I gather he had a whale of a time, sunbathed in the garden and got very brown. Im going to use this place again and then, once he needs somewhere permanent, Im hoping it will be a fairly easy transition.