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Transition to Professional care

Toppo

Registered User
Sep 12, 2018
23
0
I am hoping to glean ideas from those of you who have a more vocal spouse. I don't want to mislead him and say he is going to a "hotel" and I don't want to just drop him off and run.
Our GP has said that I need to consider temporary or even permanent professional care.
What are the things that your LO is/was scared of? or worried about?
What words and phrases helped to make the transition smoother? eg "professional care" not "care home"
What things made the transition easier? eg Keyworker, Buddy in the home, Visits prior to staying etc.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,895
0
South coast
Hello @Toppo
Unfortunately, when you are dealing with dementia you cannot use reasoning or persuasion, as by the time they need a care home, this has ben lost. You cannot use the truth as they are unable to comprehend it. You cant say that you are unable to look after him now because in his mind he will think he is perfectly capable of looking after himself. You cant say that you need the break because this will cut no ice as empathy is usually lost too. If you try and use these truths he will not believe you and may well conclude that you dont love him anymore, or that you are trying to get rid of him, or even that you want to go away with a lover. He will think these things because he cannot comprehend the truth, so you cant use it.

So where does this leave you? The only things left are subterfuge and love lies.
Never explain about it in terms of how it will benefit you - always find some positive reason why it will be to his benefit. My OH has just come back from 2 weeks respite. He is very aware and knew it was a care home, but I still didnt tell him the truth (I had become exhausted and needed a rest), because he thinks he can look after himself, even though he has carers coming in to help him wash and dress, and he does almost nothing himself. So I phrased it as a little break (a sort of holiday) and somewhere nice where he could get away from a nagging wife (I had got very stressed). We went for tea and cake there and looked at it together, although I had spoken to the manager a few times and it looked like it would be a good match. The potential resident needs to be assessed by the care home prior to acceptance and this was done discretely while we were there. I put on the act of a life-time and raved about how lovely it was (I also said that if he didnt want to go there I might book myself in - actually not far from the truth!!). He was offered a room while we were there and he agreed. I didnt tell him about it again until I reminded him he was going on holiday on the day he went. The carer got him ready, we got him in the car and off OH and I went.

I did not feel that I had lied to him. Although I referred to it as a break and sort of holiday, I never referred to the care home as a hotel. It did become like a holiday, though and I gather he had a whale of a time, sunbathed in the garden and got very brown. Im going to use this place again and then, once he needs somewhere permanent, Im hoping it will be a fairly easy transition.
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
294
0
So sorry to hear this as just been through it myself and it is very difficult to deal with Does your OH go to any sort of day centre? If so can spin as another day place but that he can stay a night or two as well. Even better if chosen place does day respite so you can have a day there first If you want to try reason (can work in the moment) try saying you have a hospital appointment yourself so might be late back, or boiler not working properly so gas board coming to fix or no hot water (then they let you down ..). But truthfully if he is at point of needing care none of this will be remembered. And he will be worried about everything, whatever you do or say. But probably worried lots at home too, right? Important thing is to pick right home for him - they are not all the same, so visit a few if you can - self funding? - and be brutally honest about his care needs - then get him there and make sure he doesn't see clothes being packed in car. Care home will be familiar with the situation and took my husband off for tea and cake - like day place - while I sneaked up to room to unpack. He had agreed to respite although myself, social worker and home all felt it would be permanent (I was told he had to agree to the respite or care home could not take! SW then did capacity and best interests later and confirmed he would stay) but he had totally forgotten this and was really agitated when I left. However 4 weeks in now and he is settled and happy there. Visiting was a pleasure as we spent nice time together.
Worst for me was night before as I knew I was cooking our last dinner together etc and had to try to be cheerful and not to get emotional. Knew I was doing right thing but it is really difficult as you just have to shoulder the decision alone - no PWD will happily head off to live elsewhere. But now he is settled I know without doubt he is better there than at home. But do be prepared too not to visit immediately. I had to wait nearly 4 weeks. Look after yourself - my OH is now happy but I'm not yet. Regular visiting will help - still caring, but in different way. Good luck. Do hope it goes well.
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
1,735
0
Agree with all advice so far except regarding visiting. I visited daily. Didn’t want him to feel abandoned. As we were together every day thought it would be harsh and hard for us both - didn’t want him to feel abandoned.

Life is still hard but different.

Good luck.
 

update2020

Registered User
Jan 2, 2020
275
0
It’s all a bit of a blur. My husband was beyond reason when he went into a care home. He had very few words and was classed as ‘non verbal’. He responded mostly to touch. It was hard for us all. The one thing that helped were the staff in the care home who were completely brilliant with all of us at every stage.
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
294
0
Agree with all advice so far except regarding visiting. I visited daily. Didn’t want him to feel abandoned. As we were together every day thought it would be harsh and hard for us both - didn’t want him to feel abandoned.

Life is still hard but different.

Good luck.
Depends on circumstances! My OH was v aggressive ( actually punched me in front of staff when realising he was staying overnight) and care home trying to get him to settle with support from psychiatrist and said seeing me would have made him worse. Then a risk he would be sectioned. So wasn't choice not to visit but following advice as to what was best for him. Wish I had been able to go in every day! I had been told this was possible too so was prepared or it would have been a total shock.
Good luck!