Tough Love.

paris07

Registered User
Jul 11, 2007
74
australia
Hi ALL,
I am tired of being my mother's mother,,
I know that seems so unfair, but it hurts to have to make all the decisions on my own Hubby is wonderful but I feel I am it.
Hubby and I went in to arrange more respite for mum ,they were very nice and given me (us) a week from the 10th October till the 18th October , residential care home .
Today my only Brother passed away 2 years. that leaves me. Mum has not mentioned anything about it and I don't know if I should bring it up or not.

I am not looking forward to the 10th as I know mum will crack up and even with all the support in the world mum is going to think I let her down ,once again.

I hate this " dementia" that has put me in this situation.
Love to all
Paris07
 

christine_batch

Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
3,388
Buckinghamshire
Dear Paris
When my husband was diagnoised with A.D. He did not even remember marrying me. Although I am disabled, I became his Carer for 4 years. In May they [laced Peter in a EMI unit. whilst I was caring for Peter I felt just like a glorified house keeper but with no days off. Respite Care is so important. I have not had any for 4 years and on Friday I am going with my eldest son, daughter in law, Grandson and his fiance on a 40 foot boat on the Norfolk Broads for 2 weeks. I hate boats and the water but as my eldest son has come out of remission for bowl cancer and has M.E. All the excuse I was coming up with where so pathetic. When my son said Mum I would like some quality time with you, that did it. I am going. Peter is well looked after, my 2 daughters and other son live about 5 minutes from the Care Home. I wish I had not been so stubborn in not having breaks. Enjoy yours when it comes. You have to look after yourself and you will be able to spend quality time with your husband. Good Luck and enjoy your rest. Christine
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
Newport, Gwent
Hi Paris and Christine

You both so deserve a break, grab it with both hands an enjoy. This is a dreadful illness and not only takes our loved ones from us as we knew them, but robs us of our own lives as well.

Be kind to yourselves, we all pass this way but once.

Love
Cate xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,144
Kent
paris07 said:
mum is going to think I let her down ,once again.
Paris07
Dear Paris, It can`t be helped.
You can only do what you can and must not allow yourself to be held to emotional blackmail.
There is no shame in arranging regular respite care, and if your mother creates a fuss, it shows she is in no state of mind to be concerned for you, so you must be concerned for yourself.
Love xx
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
paris07 said:
I hate this " dementia" that has put me in this situation.
Dear paris, I'm afraid no-one her would disagree with you. It's the most awful disease, and it affects the whole family, not just the sufferer.

You sound at the end of your tether, and you really need this break. I don't know if it would be possible, but could you ask to make it a fortnight? My reason is that when John went into hospital I was so stressed and exhausted that for the first week I couldn't relax. It was only in the second week that I began to get some energy back.

It might also be better for your mum, too. She's going to be very unsettled the first week, and may not want to go back, whereas she may relax and begin to enjoy the company the second week.

Sorry if this isn't possible, and I've made matters worse for you, but it's worth a try. Before John went into hospital, I had arranged his first respite, and was advised to take a fortnight.

Whatever happens, enjoy your break, and don't let your mum make you feel guilty. You need and deserve the break.

Love,
 

paris07

Registered User
Jul 11, 2007
74
australia
Thank you all for your support.
I took mum to her GP. today mum was so sweet and good, I could not believe she was the same person . I asked her while in the consultation if she would agree to a little stay in care home . She told her GP. that if if was going to make me happy she would agree.I gave her a big hug.
I could not believe my ears, I only hope she remembers saying that tomorrow(I wish I had a tape recorder )

Regards
Paris07
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,144
Kent
Don`t worry about tomorrow Paris, your mother agreed today, and that`s what you go by. When she feels OK, she wants to help you. Take her help.
Love xx
 

janetruth

Registered User
Mar 20, 2007
563
nuneaton
Hello Paris07

I am in a similar situation, I never thought that one day our roles would be reversed.
It is hard at times to try and express how it feels to be Mothering your own Mum.
I talk to my partner and can tell him ANYTHING but I sometimes do not understand my own feelings so how can I expect anyone else to understand.
I love my Mum very much and those of you who have your Mum living with you will know where I am coming from.

Having respite has been my life saver, one week in June and one week at the start of September.
I told Mum a week before she was due to go to Care Home the first time.
and it proved to be a harrowing week, she became sullen, angry and uncooperative.
I learnt from that one and the second time, I told her on the same day she was going, when I was helping to get her dressed.
I felt awful at the time, I told her we had talked about it during the week ( we hadn't ), it was the right choice.
My partner and I had a wonderful uninterupted week by ourselves ( we went away) and I knew Mum was being looked after, I didn't feel guilty and i came back ready to start all over.

Time is the most precious gift we have and it's free and freedom is as precious when you suddenly realise you don't have so much of it.
Make the most of your respite, you will cherish every minute and have something to think about when you are mothering your Mum and caring for her as she cared for you.
Take Care
love Janetruth x
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
I could not believe my ears, I only hope she remembers saying that tomorrow(I wish I had a tape recorder
No what you mean about remembering that tomorrow in what you mother said :D happen to me also with mum and me thinking hear we go again :rolleyes: .

yes please try not don't worry .

with all the grief your in now with your brother passing away 2 years ( it not that long ago so its no wonder that your feeling so low ) took me more then 4 year with my grief with my father to look back on it without feeling so low , then on Top of that mum with her dementia.

respite are a great help for me I am sure for you also . what help me with mum and respite when I have told her is not to mention it any more so not reminding her till it get nearer the time , or she get worried about it , it play on her mind that it be all thinking about . she be changing her mind . so don't mention it any more unless she bring it up , just saying all be OK , and if she says she not going , as that what my mother says to me . I just say Ok don't go . then she changes her mind . use to get on my nerves in the past , but not any more because I know how those respite help me in caring for mum in the future so mum going if she like it or not , I've learn to stand my ground

for the first time in a year and half , that mum being going to respite she told me the other day , when i told her I am going away for a week in October , she said "" well I am going to that place I went to before " :)
 
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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,144
Kent
Margarita said:
for the first time in a year and half , that mum being going to respite she told me the other day , when i told her I am going away for a week in October , she said "" well I am going to that place I went to before " :)
Margarita, that`s smashing. There`s hope for us all. :)

Love xx