tough decisions


Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
Hi everyone,
My Mom fractured her hip two days ago. It just gave way and she fell. Mom is advanced AD, down to 80lbs and extremely frail. We made the decision to not put her through surgery because most believe she wouldn't survive it or if she did, the anesthesia would most likely cause worse brain damage. They also said that she would be unable to participate in physical therapy after surgery(because of her advanced AD) and if she can't, no meaningful recovery would be possible. So we have moved her to a private room and are making her as comfortable as possible. She isn't in pain and is sleeping most of the time. When she does awaken, she smiles.
There is no way to know where this is going from here but most believe she isn't going to survive long. But you never know because we have seen my Mom bounce back from bad situations before.
The most important thing I had to ask myself was, " What are we trying to accomplish, do anything to bring her back and to what?"
If by some chance this could be repaired are we doing it only to bring her back to furthur decline into the vegetative stage of AD?" I just can't do it to her. If it is her time, I will let her go.
Now it is in God's hands and we are just going to make each day as good as it can be.
Take care,


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Dear Debbie

So sorry to hear your news about your poor mum.

I think you've made the right decision. There is no point in putting her through an operation if it's not going to give her her mobility back.

As long as she can be kept pain-free, peace and loving care are what she needs now.



Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
near London
Hi Debbie

I'm absolutely with you on this. Totally.

It doesn't make it any easier of course, but you have balanced risks, added love and - in my opinion - you have done the right thing.

Please let us know how you all get along.

You have been a member for ages and I am so pleased you return to keep us updated when you can.


Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
hi bruce

if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off
Oh gosh, I love that Brucie !

I thank you and Hazel so much for your support. I haven't had anyone say "are you sure?" or suggest it was the wrong thing to do. It is just hard to make those life altering decisions! I will keep you all posted. You are so very important to me and the source for my keeping my sanity the last few years!!

Love, Debbie


Registered User
Nov 16, 2007
East Midlands
Now it is in God's hands and we are just going to make each day as good as it can be.
Debbie..I also believe you've made the right decision here..there comes a time when "enough is enough"

Hope your mum will be comfortable and cared for..I'm sure she is aware when you're there..and of your love..

Thinking about you..

Love Gigi xx


Registered User
Apr 11, 2006
Beckenham Kent
Hi Debbie,

I also think you are doing the right thing for your mum. Comfort and love are the most important things now.

I lost my mum three weeks ago, but I know that the time I spent with her, just holding her hand and telling her that I loved her was so important.

Quality of life, in my opinion, doesn't come into it when someone we love is in the latter stage of dementia.

My thoughts and love are with you. Take care. Sheila x

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Debbie, I can`t imagine anyone saying `are you sure?` about the care of your mother. Surgery in her state would probably cause her discomfort, rather than ease it.

She sounds so fragile, I wish the best for her and for you.

Love xx


Registered User
Feb 6, 2008
Hi Debbie

You are doing the best thing so well done for being brave enough to do it. My Mother is similar and also fell and fractured her hip recently, luckily she didn't need an operation but I know for sure she wouldn't have coped with it if she had had one. I was lucky enough not to have to make that decision but she has since had two infections for which she has received antibiotics. We have decided that if she becomes ill we don't want her to be taken to hospital but to receive treatment in the lovely nursing home she is in at the moment. It is all a balancing act really trying to do our best for her.
Thinking of you


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Dear Debbie

Not a lot to say really, except that the choice you have made would have been the one I would have made in that situation.



Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Dear Debbie,
Although it is a very tough decision to make, there does come a time when it is ot of love and compassion that we no longer want to see them suffer any more and are at peace from this terrible illness.
I know what you are going through as Peter is in the last stage and I have been told it is just a matter of time, so each time the phone goes I dread answering it.
My thoughts are with you and your Mum.
Very best wishes


Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
Dear Debbie,

Decisions like this are always tough ones and I admire your choice... one that is all about your mum.

I hope that if I'm faced with this situation that I also will have the courage to make the same must be about them and not us and our loss.

Caring Thoughts, Taffy.


Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
I saw Mom yesterday afternoon and she is receiving wonderful care and attention. Nurses aids are coming in on their lunch breaks just to check on her and it warms my heart to see how many people Mom has touched. The hospice chaplain was there yesterday too.
Mom was more disoriented and restless. It is hard for her to just lie there as she has always been so active. She doesn't understand and I can tell it is causing her to be confused. I put family pictures in a collage next to her and I can't tell if it has brought her any comfort or not. She frowned at some of them!
My biggest fear is that she will linger and decline so slowly and be so miserable. But that is one of those things we have no control over so I'm trying not to think about it and appreciate each day.
Thank you all for your words of support and comfort. I always know I can come to TP and unload!
Much Love, Debbie


Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
It doesn't make it any easier of course, but you have balanced risks, added love and - in my opinion - you have done the right thing.

I totally agree with Bruce's comment above.

This is a very difficult time for you but please know you are in our thoughts and so is your dear mother.

May the next little while be as positive as possible for all of you.


Registered User
May 12, 2007
Dear Debbie,
Just wanted to say that I am sorry to hear about your mum, but as others have said, truly believe that the right thing has been done. You sound a very caring daughter and my caring 'vibes' go out to you. Look after yourself and your mum.
Snooky xx


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Debbie dear, so sorry to read this latest thread, but thank you for updating us.

Your comments:
If it is her time, I will let her go.
Now it is in God's hands and we are just going to make each day as good as it can be.
speak volumes. I am sure what you are doing is so right.
Thinking about you, love n'hugs,


Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
Yesterday I found Mom in alot of pain. She couldn't really tell me what was wrong so I grabbed a nurse and a physical therapy aid to take a look. Seems a trainee in trying to prevent bed sores, turned her onto her fractured side, sigh. Did correct it and after some meds, she settled down. She is sleeping alot more and hard to awaken. Hospice tells me that any trauma to the body will accelerate AD and the sleeping is part of that. They also say that she will get less and less responsive and may experience more pain which they will increase her meds for.
She isn't eatting so much either. They say she can last a couple of weeks or many weeks like this. I am astounded by how much the human body can endure.
I have a friend that lost her MIL this week. She was in her 90's, healthy, had her mind. She simply took a deep breath and died. One day I will ask God why it is one person can just check out with a deep breath and another takes a slow decline to go. Just one of those mystery of life, perplexing things.
On the up side, Mom still knows me and smiles. That is a gift.
I so appreciate all of your kind words and thoughts, it really helps!
Love, Debbie