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Totally out of my depth!

Jules5419

New member
Dec 12, 2019
6
Hi, im new here.
I am trying to get my mum to go see the doctors for a proper diagnosis, as she is showing signs of early dementia, i.e; forgets words and doesn't finish a sentence, changes topic of conversation, gets muddled with time of events etc, but what is really worrying me is that she is now accusing my brother and i of mistreating her because i have mentioned the Doctors and dementia to her. My brother is 58 and lives with her as her main carer. I am 54 and live alone and have several health issues myself to deal with and im registered disabled.
I am trying my best to get her to go, and have explained to her that it might not be dementia but something else that the Dr can help with. She just thinks that we want her 'out of the way', and says things like 'nobody cares about her', yet the onus is on me organising aids at home for her to get around etc as my brother has no idea what help is out there. I've also been in touch with the council about a disability grant so she can have a downstairs wet room, as she cant get up the stairs anymore.
Im sorry for the long post, but i feel like im banging my head against a brick wall.....no matter what i say or do for her...its never good enough and she gets argumentative and then manipulative and refuses help from us....what can i do? any advice appreciated!
TIA.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,567
Bristol
Hullo and welcome to the forums, @Jules5419. Sorry, that is a lot of to contend with and I'm not sure how much I can help. Carrying on with the wet room though might work as your mum may agree to it when the OT offers it as an aid to make life easier for her. My OH hates the term Dementia, and can be a bit awkward about outside carers, but will accept them just because they make the effort to help her.
You will find better advice and plenty of support here, so good luck with all your are doing.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,073
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Jules5419

Have you tried getting your mum to see the doctor for a well woman check - don't mention dementia at all to her. You're right that it could be something treatable that's causing her symptoms. You could write a letter to the GP listing your concerns and your mum's behaviour changes.

If it does turn out to be dementia have a read around and see what trickery and lies we carers have had to use to get someone with dementia to accept the help they need...logic and reason don't work!
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,209
cornwall
Hi, im new here.
I am trying to get my mum to go see the doctors for a proper diagnosis, as she is showing signs of early dementia, i.e; forgets words and doesn't finish a sentence, changes topic of conversation, gets muddled with time of events etc, but what is really worrying me is that she is now accusing my brother and i of mistreating her because i have mentioned the Doctors and dementia to her. My brother is 58 and lives with her as her main carer. I am 54 and live alone and have several health issues myself to deal with and im registered disabled.
I am trying my best to get her to go, and have explained to her that it might not be dementia but something else that the Dr can help with. She just thinks that we want her 'out of the way', and says things like 'nobody cares about her', yet the onus is on me organising aids at home for her to get around etc as my brother has no idea what help is out there. I've also been in touch with the council about a disability grant so she can have a downstairs wet room, as she cant get up the stairs anymore.
Im sorry for the long post, but i feel like im banging my head against a brick wall.....no matter what i say or do for her...its never good enough and she gets argumentative and then manipulative and refuses help from us....what can i do? any advice appreciated!
TIA.
Yep I recognise some of those signs. .
No matter what you suggest sometimes the PWD doesn’t see the help or need for themselves...

Maybe step back for a bit. Easier said than done I know . But I managed it with my dad.
Does she wash herself? I bet she won’t have carers in??
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,137
In future I would not mention dementia again. She will just dig her heels in and won't recognise she has a problem (also, imagine how frightening it is hearing that someone thinks you have dementia - the conversation is never going to go well). As others have said, leave it for a little while then try other tactics, like telling her the doctor wants to see her for a well woman or an over 70s check. And as others have said, step back a bit, out of the range of her manipulation.

While I understand why you want her to see the doctor for a diagnosis, bear in mind that it would happen in several stages - she will have to see the GP, visit a memory clinic, and have a scan - so you'd have to persuade her to do all this. And even when she's diagnosed there may not be much help or treatment forthcoming.

You might find this link helps you

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,630
South coast
Im afraid that all of this is par for the course. I got accused of all sorts as well.
My mum was certain that she didnt have anything wrong with her and even after she was diagnosed with Alzheimers I couldnt use the D word to her at all as it made her very angry.

I agree with writing to her GP explaining all your concerns. The letter will go in her file. Im afraid you have to be very sneaky and be prepared to tell lots of "white lies" to get her to appointments.
 

Jules5419

New member
Dec 12, 2019
6
Yep I recognise some of those signs. .
No matter what you suggest sometimes the PWD doesn’t see the help or need for themselves...

Maybe step back for a bit. Easier said than done I know . But I managed it with my dad.
Does she wash herself? I bet she won’t have carers in??
Hi,
Shes refuses all help and hasn't left the house for about a year now.
She doesn't do much at all anymore, including her personal hygiene, which is why i suggested the wet room! she has only just given in to letting me get continence pants for her, but even they aren't right, according to her! I cant win no matter how much i try! x
 

Jules5419

New member
Dec 12, 2019
6
Im afraid that all of this is par for the course. I got accused of all sorts as well.
My mum was certain that she didnt have anything wrong with her and even after she was diagnosed with Alzheimers I couldnt use the D word to her at all as it made her very angry.

I agree with writing to her GP explaining all your concerns. The letter will go in her file. Im afraid you have to be very sneaky and be prepared to tell lots of "white lies" to get her to appointments.
well, ive made an appointment for her, but havent told her yet! x
 

Jules5419

New member
Dec 12, 2019
6
In future I would not mention dementia again. She will just dig her heels in and won't recognise she has a problem (also, imagine how frightening it is hearing that someone thinks you have dementia - the conversation is never going to go well). As others have said, leave it for a little while then try other tactics, like telling her the doctor wants to see her for a well woman or an over 70s check. And as others have said, step back a bit, out of the range of her manipulation.

While I understand why you want her to see the doctor for a diagnosis, bear in mind that it would happen in several stages - she will have to see the GP, visit a memory clinic, and have a scan - so you'd have to persuade her to do all this. And even when she's diagnosed there may not be much help or treatment forthcoming.

You might find this link helps you



We were all in tears today and i explained to her that dementia doesn't mean shes going mad, or that shes stupid in anyway. Just that she needs to accept our help.
both my brother and i have problems with our memories already, i told her this, but she just thinks that we shouldn't have problems! lol!
I do realise that its a long process for diagnosis, but im just hoping that if the Dr agrees that she is starting with it, and tells her, maybe she might just believe him...who knows, its worth a try. x
 

Jules5419

New member
Dec 12, 2019
6
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Jules5419

Have you tried getting your mum to see the doctor for a well woman check - don't mention dementia at all to her. You're right that it could be something treatable that's causing her symptoms. You could write a letter to the GP listing your concerns and your mum's behaviour changes.

If it does turn out to be dementia have a read around and see what trickery and lies we carers have had to use to get someone with dementia to accept the help they need...logic and reason don't work!
Thats a good idea, i can say thats what they want to see her about! Thank you! x
 

Jules5419

New member
Dec 12, 2019
6
Hullo and welcome to the forums, @Jules5419. Sorry, that is a lot of to contend with and I'm not sure how much I can help. Carrying on with the wet room though might work as your mum may agree to it when the OT offers it as an aid to make life easier for her. My OH hates the term Dementia, and can be a bit awkward about outside carers, but will accept them just because they make the effort to help her.
You will find better advice and plenty of support here, so good luck with all your are doing.
She doesn't have any of the above...OT or OH. Refuses everything. x
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,567
Bristol
She doesn't have any of the above...OT or OH. Refuses everything. x
Sorry Jules, I assumed you would need an Occupational Therapist assessment to get the wet room grant and hoped your mum would accept it once the job was approved by someone in authority.