• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Torn in two

hazleds

Registered User
Nov 18, 2015
3
I'm new to the Forum. Following a severe infection, successfully treated by IV antibiotics, my Dad's vascular dementia has deteriorated to such an extent that he is now on end of life care. He has been in hospital since 5th Nov. We live a 3 hour drive away and have been down and stayed locally for several days at a time. Since our last visit our daughter has had a missed miscarriage, had surgery yesterday, and is staying with us for the post-surgery 36 hours when she cannot be alone. I really want to be around to support her whilst she needs me. The hospital has phoned this evening to say that my Dad has deteriorated further. I want to be with him and I want to be with my daughter but, obviously, can't do both. The situation is complicated by the fact that I had brain surgery last month and cannot drive for 6 months so am relying on my husband or public transport which is not easy from a village.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? It's tearing me apart.
Thank you.
Sue
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
I'm new to the Forum. Following a severe infection, successfully treated by IV antibiotics, my Dad's vascular dementia has deteriorated to such an extent that he is now on end of life care. He has been in hospital since 5th Nov. We live a 3 hour drive away and have been down and stayed locally for several days at a time. Since our last visit our daughter has had a missed miscarriage, had surgery yesterday, and is staying with us for the post-surgery 36 hours when she cannot be alone. I really want to be around to support her whilst she needs me. The hospital has phoned this evening to say that my Dad has deteriorated further. I want to be with him and I want to be with my daughter but, obviously, can't do both. The situation is complicated by the fact that I had brain surgery last month and cannot drive for 6 months so am relying on my husband or public transport which is not easy from a village.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? It's tearing me apart.
Thank you.
Sue
Oh hazleds I am so sorry you are having such an awful and heartbreaking time . My heart goes out to you . I have not been in such a situation but do know about miscarriages as had a few myself . One of my best friends got me a beautiful round shaped hat box. Inside was a diary for me to write my feelings down and to put any little memories or trinkets or things I had bought for my baby inside . It was such a sensitive and beautiful thing she did for me . Even after all these years I still cherish and look at it every now and then and my heart is full of love and sadness but it made it easier for me . Sending lots of hugs xxxxx


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lin1

Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
9,320
East Kent
Oh Hazleds my heart goes out to you and your family.

Stay with your daughter she needs you andI'm pretty sure if your dad was able to, he would say the same.
You must also look after yourself, hard to do I know.

Another thing you're going to need to do , is forgive yourself for not being able to do the impossible as you cannot though you very much want to , be in two places at once.
XXX
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,473
Kent
I really feel for you, you are in an impossible position. My feeling would be put your daughter first she needs your help at this difficult time more than your dad who is being looked after and sadly there isn't much more you can do for him at this time other than checking on him by phone to make sure he is kept comfortable. Is there a friend of his or yours who could visit him in hospital in your place and report back to you to reassure you that he is being cared for which would set your mind at rest at least? Your Dad if able to, would totally understand that your priority is with who needs you most and I think without question it is your daughter at this time and he would totally understand you must also put your health first...not an easy time but I send you very best wishes x
 

hazleds

Registered User
Nov 18, 2015
3
Thank you for your replies. Sadly my Dad passed away at 8.35 this morning. I wasn't there but have been to see him in the Chapel of Rest. At last he looks at peace. My daughter is coping well and was insistent that she would be ok if we drove down.

Sue
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,562
Ireland
So sorry for the loss of your dad, Hazleds. He is at peace now, and although you have a lot of grieving to do, you can also let go of your worry for him. Concentrate now on your own health and your daughter. I know there are things to be done, things to be organised. People will offer to help - take every offer you get. And anything that can possibly wait for another time, then leave it, and put your strength into yourselves. xx
 

sleepless

Registered User
Feb 19, 2010
3,223
The Sweet North
Please accept my condolences. As you say in your post, your dad is at peace at last. He is free from the illness, whole again.
Wishing you peace yourself, and strength to support each other as you mourn your loss.
 

Roses40

Registered User
Jan 25, 2015
473
manchester
My very sincere condolences at this distressing time for you.you coped so well under such a a traumatic situation. Love Rose x
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
Oh hazleds my sincere condolences to you dear dads passing. He is at peace now . Wishing you strength for the coming days xxxxxx


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