• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Torn in Four!!


Registered User
Sep 24, 2007
Hi There
Firstly thanks everybody for being there. I have posted many times and had great support. I am now demented myself. My situation is this my dear old dad with Vascular dementia lives at home with my mum 83 same age and my cousin 56 who has moved into help dad stay in his own home. Great I hear you all say. Yes it could be be but my mum and cousin don;t get on my mum thinks that my cousin should do more in the house to help etc although she looks after dad admirably which is all I want her to do. Dad has a care package and goes to the day centre 4 days a week. Sadly he suffered with a chest infectin a week ago and since then has regressed considerably even though he survived the infection.
The trouble I have is coping with the fall out and also in dealing with dad and all the emotional stuff that goes with it. I am grieving and find it so difficult to see him getting worse every day. My mum doesn;t wish to take it on board the condition even though dad now can;t swallow some of the time and has lost the ability to use a knife and fork at times. The only reason he is at home is because of my cousin staying there... There arguing and the atmosphere is really killing me and I am coming to the decision that dad will have to come and live with me in my home but I know this would devastate mum I dont know what to do all I can say is my marriage children and my health are suffering now to the point where at times I think I am going to go under with all this stress. I don;t want to see dad in a home but my mum just can;t understand the stress on me. My social worker has offered respite but i hate all the places she has suggested. If dad didn;t know us I would find it a little easier but he does bless him. I want to the best for them but now am demented myself with all this stress. Any help suggestions gratefully received.


Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Dear Angela,
what a terrible perdicament you are in. Can you get back onto you S.W.? there is a book you can get from the Local Authorities which has all Care Homes in it. Do you have a Alzheimer's Branch near you? Other help available - Princess Royal Trust, Age Concern, Help the Age.
Dealing with this illness is bad enough but you only want the best for your Parents which is so understanding. You say you have a family, as a disabled Carer for my husband who is now in the last stage and in E.M.I. Unit, it was so hard and when you have a family it will put additional strain on you. Could you go to your Doctor's and have a word, sometimes they can push things along for additional support, you must consider your health as well. I wish you all the best. Christine


Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
The only reason he is at home is because of my cousin staying there... There arguing and the atmosphere is really killing me and I am coming to the decision that dad will have to come and live with me in my home but I know this would devastate mum I dont know what to do all
Dear Angela,
What a terrible situation for you to be in, life sure can be difficult at times. It is a huge task trying to please everyone and at the same time ensuring all needs are meet. Maybe, your mum resents the fact your cousin is doing such a good job of caring for your dad hence her desire for your cousin to be doing other things away from your dad. Just a thought.

I agree with Christine's reply try and get as much support as possible. Respite may be the breather you all need right now. I know your not happy with what has been offered and as I am from outside the UK I don't know if you are able to look around and find a care facility that you feel comfortable with or if you have to pick from what has being offered.

Angela, I hope you can find a peaceful outcome, try and take care of yourself. Caring Thoughts Taffy.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Angela

I'm afraid my sympathies here are with your mum -- and you, of course, as you have to deal with the fall-out.

I couldn't have coped if a relative I didn't like had moved in, taken over the care of my husband, and left me with all the housework and cooking. It sounds as if the cousin has become primary carer, while your mum has been relegated to housekeeper. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I'm sure this is how she feels.

I think respite is a good idea while you sort out the domestic situation, or even permanent care?

The trouble with respite is that usually LAs pay for a block of beds in one or two NHs, often the cheapest ones, and you can only use these for respite -- unless you're self-funding, of course, but then it is sometimes difficult to find vacancies for short stays.

It sounds to me that the time has come for you to start visiting homes, and looking at possibilities.

You sound as if you're at the end of your tether, and I'm sure your mum is too. The present situation is bad for you both at what is inevitably a very stressful time.

Time to look at alternatives?