Too many tears

[AJay]

Hi all again

Just when I thought things were going reasonably well we've had more setbacks. SS mislead us about the total amount that could be afforded for a care home for Dad so most of the places we've spent the last week looking at are out of reach, we just can't afford the top up fees. What a waste of time and energy but at least the first place we saw which seemed fine still has a place available, though I'm concerned that the dementia patients have been seperated from everybody else and it's a bit subdued there.

We were meant to be rehoming Dads dog this morning, we took her out of the kennels she's been in for the last 4 weeks but sadly the people she was meant to be going to already have two very boisterous dogs and they're worried that they will hurt Dads dog as she's a lot older so we've had to bring her home. We can't keep her so she's going to have to go to the RSPCA tomorrow. Dad would be devastated if he knew, I've already cried buckets today.

And I was judged over the phone by one of Dad's friends on Friday night for sending Dad into residential care - they've not seen him for a few years. All the guilt monsters have now raised their ugly heads again and I'm not sure if I can carry on with it all. I'm going to go and see Dad shortly and I don't think I'm going to be able to stop myself from crying in front of him, he'd been hallucinating badly again yesterday when I saw him.

What an awful disease.

AJay xxx

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Ajay,
So sorry to read your latest news.
What makes me so cross is yet again SS give the wrong information, been there got the tee shirt syndrome.

As for the "so could friends" making you feel guilty, where were they all this time ?

It is hard enough when we put ourselves through the guilt but for other people to add their inappropriate comments, please try to disregard them. Yo have enough to deal with without them coming into the equation.

My best wishes to you and I do hope things pick up for you and your Dad.

Christine

 

[Grannie G]

Dear AJay.

I would put the phone down on any of your father`s friends who sit in judgement of you. Not very well mannered I know, but they have no right to add to your troubles. They have no idea.

I remember getting a phone call from one of my grandmother`s `friends`. She`d been to see her and my grandmother said she hadn`t seen any of the family for months. We went every week without fail, but she forgot. I listened to this person then, and patiently explained the situation, and also came off the phone in tears.

If I had known then what I know now, I would not have been so polite.

I hope you manage your visit today. Let us know.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

Dear Ajay

What a terrible time you're having.

Ss should not hve misled you, they should know what the maximum payment is. That's just not on.

As for your dad's friend, ignore him. He hasn't seen your dad for years, how can he possibly know what care he needs now? Don't let him give you a guilt-trip. You love your dad, and are doing the best possible for him.

I'm sorry about the dog too. You've been let down there too, the people should not have agreed to take him, they knew the situation.

You've been let down all round, but none of it is your fault. Some people can be so thoughtless. Keep telling yourself this.

I hope your visit has gone well.

Love,

 

[117katie]

Dear Ajay

Arms outstretched from me to you. As Christine said, got the T-shirt.

SS misled me too about the "likely cost" of care homes, many of which were £950 per week plus. EXCUSE ME, as I have said before, form A DISORDERLY QUEUE behind me, ....

I am beginning to understand how SS recommend Care Homes that may be "absolutely suitable, absolutely terrific, absolutely fabulous even .... ". Wonder if Jo Lumley would care to feature in a film-script that I am slowly putting together!!! All turn out to be from the very same company, all with a very clever contract engineered with the local authority ... but all being shown to be less than wonderful, less than fabulous.

I cry buckets too - it comes with the territory. Tears get less salty and less painful as time goes by ... for me, anyway, but not for everyone, I know. And, following the advice of Tender Face, I have placed all my buckets up-for-sale on ebay!!!! No takers yet, though.

Please don't let the guilt monsters raise their ugly heads - the guilt monsters are not part-and-parcel of your coping. Nor should they be. You can only do as much as you can do.

The people who should have the guilt monsters lurking in their being are those who let you down, who misled you, who dumped on you. I agree ---- put the phone down on some of them. May not be the polite thing to do, but you must take care of yourself --- not of them.

Love
Katie

 

[Margarita]

We can't keep her so she's going to have to go to the RSPCA tomorrow. Dad would be devastated if he knew, I've already cried buckets today.

The RSPCA know of lots of dog rescue places that can take the dogs till they find them good home . I had to give my father cat to cat rescue , I was later told that they found her a good home.

All they ask for is a small donation .

I'm concerned that the dementia patients have been seperated from everybody else and it's a bit subdued there.

When my mother go to respite care homes , they only send her to care home that are dementia care home .

did you ask about what kind of group activity they have they , are they staff dementia trained ?

all I can say is that in this world we always meet people that are judgmental while we also meet other people that are not , those one that do make those judgmental comment don't live in our shoes or our love one shoes .

They just need to get real.

Wishing you all the best xx

 

[AJay]

Thank you all for your replies. I don't know about Dad having good and bad days, I seem to be having so many bad days just now.

Dad I thought was doing swimmingly today which added to those guilt demons that are following me everywhere. Until he told me that a young lad had shot a dog in the garden at the home, 'they' were having sex all night in the room opposite and were keeping him awake and would I stop banging the bed, it was making him jump. I was sat on the opposite side of the room. Hmmmmm, run away guilt monsters. However, he's getting a little podgy round the middle these days so I'm pleased that he's eating more than properly at last, and we watched the football until he fell asleep sitting up.

The dog is currently in my house getting settled down very nicely. My cats are not amused with being shut in one room. I keep getting leaky eyes looking at the dog knowing that after tomorrow I'll probably have no idea where she's going to be and who with. Welcome back guilt monsters. I'm going to have to sleep over at Dad's old house tonight amongst all the chaos of it being cleared out, I can't keep the dog here because the cats will be extremely annoyed and put out if they have to stay in one room for much longer.

Hi Margarita, I did ask about activities and yes the home has an activities person employed and the staff are dementia trained. I suppose because we visited early evening most people were subdued anyway.

Take a deep breath, 2 ibuprofen, have a big sigh, attack all Dads ironing and get right back up again to fight on.

AJay xxx

 

[Margarita]

I did ask about activities and yes the home has an activities person employed and the staff are dementia trained. I suppose because we visited early evening most people were subdued anyway.

I have read on TP that you can make an un exceptive visit to care home , so you can see how the staff interact with they clients ( people with dementia )

I do like th way you explain how you feel guilty them when you hear your father talk the guilt monster go away , as before few days when my mother started to go to respite , she look act so normal , I with think no she OK I could cope , I'm not sending her to respite she not that bad then come out with the most wried story that has never happen .

My cats are not amused with being shut in one room.

I bet they not amused

easy for me to but can only
imagine how much sorrow you must be feeling , hope you keep sharing tell us how it all go with your father moving into new home , also with the dogs.

 

[AJay]

I think this has been the hardest day for a long time. We took Dads beloved dog to the RSPCA for rehoming and it was absolutely awful.

She stayed with us last night (despite the cats still being most put out) and was as good as gold and so settled, thinking her last 4 weeks in kennels were behind her and she was relaxed and happy. Then this morning 2 of the people she loved and trusted abandoned her again, she'd not even seen the one she loved and trusted the most.

We feel awful, both of us cried when we had to leave her, both of us went through every scenario about how we could possibly keep her and reunite her with my Dad but no answers, things have to stay the same.

So red swollen eyes and more curses for this damn disease that destroys lives.

AJay xxx

 

[Skye]

Ajay, huge sympathy. I know how I would feel if I had to give away my lovely Skye. But as you say, there was no alternative.

I do hope someone will come along soon and fall in love with your dad's dog. Do they let you know when it's been rehomed?

Love,

 

[zoet]

Oh Ajay, what an awful lot for you to be coping with. I'd ring the "friend" back and say "Seeing as you're so big on caring at home, I have dads dog here, perhaps you would like to give it a go?"

As far as the guilt monsters are concerned.....bash em on the head with the knowledge that you are doing your absolute VERY best for your dad. Im positive he would never want you to be sad and guilty after all you are doing and have done for him.

You should voice your complaint to the social worker explaining the waste of time and energy, especially with this being an already stressful and draining situation. It will make you feel a bit better.

There ARE some good not so expensive homes out there. Remember that its not about the decor its more about the love and care the staff have for the clients. Visit when they arent expecting, and as much as you want; different times of the day is a good idea. Ask to see a model care plan, and make up theoretical situations and ask how they will deal with them. (eg...Dad starts refusing to eat the food, what will you do to encourage his apetite?) Ask what stimulation he will get by way of "activities". Ask what is done for residents who are wandering or agressive. Talk to the CARERS as well as the managers because THEY are the people who really make the home good or bad. Ask about staffing levels and how many agency carers they have used in the last 6 months. Make a list of questions and write the answers down so you can refer to them later. Take dad and watch his reaction to things there. He can go for a meal or even an over night stay to help decide.

Most of all, give yourself a big pat on the back for being such a loving caring person and coping with all these horrible things. Youre doing really well and I wish you all the best.

 

[burfordthecat]

Ajay

Sounds as though you are having a really hard time of it. From what I have read you are really doing all that you can. Don' t let the guilt monster drive you down.

I can imagine how upsetting it was having to take your father's dog to the RSPCA. But there was really no other choice. Again, it just shows how much you care..... anybody who didn't would have just kicked the dog out on the street. I am sure that you have done the right thing, albeit not that it feels like that at the moment.

Take care, be strong.

Burf x x

 

[hendy]

Hi Ajay
It made me feel so sad to read your posts, it reminded me of when my Dad became ill and I had to manage the'fall out' and been doing it ever since. I didn't know if I can give advice because you will find a way of coping and managing( except to say I do Dads washing, but do not do ironing any more!)
I'm sorry about his dog, will the RSPCA home it and keep in touch? If they have trouble finding a home, the Dog's trust will take dogs and not put them down if they dont find a home.
I have also had to deal with 'so called' friends and like Grannie G, I would not have been so polite either if I'd ever had to deal with them again. When you are on your own dealing with these issues, I don't know about you, but It gives me the pip if someone tells me how best to care for Dad. Try and have confidence in yourself to do the job. You will always know what is best, because he is your Dad.
As for SS, I have had long dealings with this lot and(sorry to be so cynical) but I never take them at face value anymore. I always give them a grilling to justify their actions and decisons. They are very good at leading people down the proverbial garden path.
It can really grind you down, but remember to look after yourself and take time out from it when you need to.
Take care
hendy

 

[AJay]

Assessment day

Hi again

Dad was assessed this afternoon by somebody from the new care home. He was absolutely sharp and on the ball, full of humourous comments and laughing and joking - Dad of old really. Yesterday when we visited after work he was convinced that it was early morning and that he'd just had his breakfast so what were we doing there? How strange that he can change so quickly. I think the assessor thought I should be in the care home, not Dad.

I had to take Dad to his doctors a few days ago and was dreading it because I thought it would trigger off memories about his house and dog, he seems to have forgotten about them just now. Sadly and luckily he had no recollection of the doctors surgery or the village he lived in, he even commented about what a pretty village it was. Phew and pangs of regret.

Then on leaving him earlier - he kept yawning loudly and deliberately until I took the hint - he said 'it's about time you went, you've got a life to lead'. Hello and welcome guilt monsters you familiar old devils.

I'm going to the pub tonight to drown those damn monsters. What would you all like????

AJay xxx