Too many rocks and hard places to choose between

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by janey106, Dec 31, 2015.

  1. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    139

    Hi, you are right about the attention on Mum but he worries about her if she isn't cared for too. I have asked for a meeting with her Consultant and should know more tomorrow ....care at home is also being stepped up. My daughter is 26, incredibly supportive and mature and I rarely ask her to get involved as it isn't her responsibility but she wanted to give the rest of us a night off and she can manage her Nana very well so she insisted. I'm sure you are right about Dad being depressed and he is now seeing GP frequently but his medications are so finely balanced they won't introduce anything else yet. Thank you for replying.
     
  2. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,085
    Brazil
    Of course she must be cared. But I think SS should offer more help.

    If you will talk with mother's consultant or GP, it may be interesting talk about mother trowing stuff on you.

    You have a wonderful daughter.
     
  3. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    139
    Glimmer of hope amongst the rocks and hard places

    After two admissions to hospital for mini strokes, poor Dad admitted third time on 27 Feb as emergency with nerve damage to legs and severe gout across whole foot so immobile. Cared for Mum (or juggled carers, family and friends) for 10 days til Dad out of hospital with bit of extra care for him. Got an assessment and viewing of two bed apartment in assisted living development next week with full range of care and support available, restaurant and social activities ....praying Dad likes it and Mum will not fight it...just want them to be safe and supported 24/7. Frightened I am seeing too big a light at the end of the tunnel but I do realise it is probably just the next stage and there are more to come.
     
  4. ladybird58

    ladybird58 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    9
    You have been doing a wonderful job looking after both your parents, now its time to look after you. Maybe you could explain to your dad exactly how you are feeling and that the place they have been offered will give them both the care they need as you are unable to do it anymore. Fingers crossed for you that they will both see how much better off they will be. My dad left decisions so long that by the time a flat came up for them mum was in hospital, her needs were too great for the assisted living and she's now in a care home without dad.
     
  5. TooHard

    TooHard Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    109
    My mum is very much of the opinion that there's no way she'd ever go into a care home. That's because she has dementia and can't see the level of difficulty she has (literally as she is also almost blind). The fact that she would be safer, would be fed, would have clean clothes, would be clean herself, would get help changing the channel on the tve etc etc etc etc etc etc passes her by completely. the fact that the decision (until, as I'm repeatedly told by GP and SW, "the crisis happens") is hers is what's putting her at risk in a million different ways.

    I wish care homes weren't so stigmatised that those in greatest need of them fear them to the point that they'd rather be "independent", lonely and vulnerable in their own homes than someplace they'd be safe and looked after.
     
  6. TooHard

    TooHard Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    109
    This is so spot on.
     
  7. TooHard

    TooHard Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    109
    This is the single worst thing about dealing with my mother's dementia - no support whatsoever from any source but being told, regularly, that my interventions are saving mum from the crisis that will finally see her getting adequate care...in the meantime I'm supposed to not feel responsible for her safety, health or well being.
     
  8. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    139
    This week has been another joyful one - Mum refusing more support at home because she doesn't want .... do you know, I am sick of hearing myself repeat more lousy experiences. In a nutshell, Mum been vile two nights out of three and I am supposed to be taking them to visit this Supported Living tomorrow; don't think I have a hope of them going. Dad so wants to reduce the pressure on me, I've asked him to accept the apartment if offered (and he is saying yes at present) and if Mum refuses to leave the house, we get Social Care to put in a support package (which can be self-funded) and wait for the crisis. Dad saying he can't go on without 24/7 support and living elsewhere; Mum refusing to leave her home. My heart is hardening and saying support Dad, let Mum reach the crisis point. Sorry to sound so callous, just so fed up and so bone tired. For first time in two years my partner - who has been so wonderfully supportive - has lost his cool ... I know he is just worried about me. We should all be chuffing circus acts with the juggling we all do.
     
  9. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    139
    We are in the same boat aren't we? Feels like the Titanic and everywhere you look there is great big iceberg.
     

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