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too late for mum

karenbow

Registered User
May 24, 2021
43
0
hi my mum jean died last night-id been visiting mum at her care home every day- sometimes staying 5hs + if mum seemed particularly unwell - the home were aware how important it was that i be informed if mum deteriorated as i wanted to be with my mum at the end - i stayed as much as i could with mum and on monday after staying 5hrs i went home at 7pm i only live a mile away - i got a call at 11.30 to say they were really concerned for mum and i got there straight away mum did seem really poorly -no response in any way from mum - she would usually follow me with her eyes but she seemed completely gone and i was so worried ,all the symptoms of end of life were there and i knew it would not be long- after 18hrs i went home completely exhausted to try to get a few hrs sleep -4hrs later i was called and got there within 15mins - mum had passed away literally minutes before - i am just so distressed that i was not with mum- i could not have spent more time than i was doing { every day since 16th june}- me and mum were so close -im an only one and we lost my dad in may- i promised dad i would look after mum but feel ive completely failed them - i couldn,t look after mum at home as planned as she became far too ill, bedbound incontinent etc and now i wasn,t with her at the end- i love both my parents so much- im sorry im not being rational as i know i could not control everything but im brokenhearted over the whole process of this terrible disease
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,279
0
Sorry for your loss. You were with her during her last concious hours and that is what counts.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,890
0
I’m sorry for your @karenbow, but you kept your promise and did look after your mum to the end. It seems very common for people to wait till their loved ones have left before passing away. A friend spent days with her mum, only for her to die when she popped out for a cup of tea.
Look after yourself now, you’ve had a very hard few months
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,076
0
South coast
I spent 3 days with mum at the end - I spent days with her and nights sleeping on the floor in her room as I desperately wanted to be with her right up to the end and I was told that she would probably pass away within a few hours. No-one could understand how she hung on so long. Eventually I had to go and check on my OH and by the time I got home, she was gone. She apparently passed away about 15 mins after I left.

I was devastated too, but an older and very wise carer at mums care home told me that she had seen this happen many, many times and she thought that they didnt want to pass away in front of their loved ones - so they waited until they had gone.

What is important is that you were there for her during her life - the last few minutes are not really so important. And you did look after her - you made sure that she was in a good care home where all her needs were met once you could no longer do it yourself. So you did not fail her - you did your very best for her and made sure she was properly looked after.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
651
0
I am so very sorry for your loss @karenbow. Please , no recriminations, you did everything you could possibly do & more.
My mum died when the granddaughters & all partners left the room for a short while leaving just myself & sister. We didn't speak just sat watching her erratic breathing. She may not have known we were there perhaps thinking we had left the room with the others & simply slipped away moments later once all was quiet.
It may help you to consider that brain death occurs some minutes after the heart stops so you may well have been there 'in time' after all. Whatever the case you were still with her in every way. Be gentle with yourself. (((Hugs)))
 
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Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
593
0
Dear @karenbow please try not to feel distressed that your mum passed without you I know its very hard to accept but you did your very best to be there but sadly it didn't work out the way you had hoped. I do understand totally where you are coming from as I too had been visiting my dad at the CH in January this year like you sitting with him for a few hours in the days leading up to his passing. I was about 15-20 minutes by car from the CH and had said time and time again for the home to call me no matter what time day or night as I wanted desperately for my dad to not be alone and to have a family member with him. Circumstances aren't always in your control a covid positive test for my dad just the day before he passed meant the care home nursing staff said I was literally only able to spend 10 minutes with him on my last visit for my own safety. The care home said they would do their best to call and get me back in to be with him but they had always said they couldn't guarantee I would be able to get there as sometimes there could be little warning and someone would pass quickly. I missed dads funeral as I caught covid from him and was admitted to hospital as had breathing difficulties etc. The vicar has arranged a Remembrance Service at the end of the month and this will make me feel a little better as I felt I hadn't had chance to say goodbye not even at his funeral. I am very sorry for your loss and do send my sincere condolences. I hope that in time you will see that you did absolutely everything you could to be with your mum you tried your very best and that is all anyone can do. Your mum is now at peace and away from this awful disease its been a double blow for you too as lost your dad so recently as well. Take care 🫂
 

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,692
0
Auckland...... New Zealand
Hi from New Zealand.

@karenbow
I’m sorry for your loss.

I lost my Mum in March. She developed aspiration pneumonia.
I was mums main carer for 4 yrs prior to her going into care. She was in her care home 4.5yrs.
Mum and I were very close.
My sister, brother and I spent morning to night with Mum, going home at night for sleep.
Mum was in the best hands at her care home, and we were all prepared if we got a call during the night.
They thought she may not get through the weekend.
A week later, back at her care home, I then got a call from my daughter who was very upset about her Grandma, so I left to see her, Mum with my sister and brother there.
I was only home an hour when my sister rang to say Mums breathing had changed and to come back quick. I missed Mum by 5 mns. :(

Now I know you might say that well at least my sister and brother were there, but it still shocked me in a way that I wasnt there. But then maybe Mum didnt want me there? Maybe that’s what she was waiting for?
Like others have said, Nursing staff see it all too often, the person passes away when people or certain people aren’t in the room
Over that whole week nursing staff encouraged us to leave the room for a break and fresh air.
Maybe your Mum in whatever way wanted to spare you that exact moment.

My Dad was in the same care home.
Although he had some serious health conditions on top of his dementia, he passed away in June, almost out of the blue.
I just got a call early hours of the morning to say that they found him on the hourly bed checks, and he couldnt be revived. Dad had a ruptured aortic aneurysm.

In dealing with my emotions I simply see it as Mum and Dad going on their terms, albeit both so different.

Know how you are feeling, but be kind to yourself. You know you did your absolute best. Your Mum is now at peace xx
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
596
0
You haven't let either of your parents down, I think you did everything you could to be with your mum at the end, but as Canary has said this very often happens that people will sit with loved ones for hours and the minute they have to leave their loved one passes. It is hard ( we had something very similar when we lost dad) to think of them passing without people that love them not being there. You did everything you could for your Mum, I'm not going to say it will get easier, but you may be able to cope with things just a little bit better in years to come.
Be kind to yourself and try and remember the better, happier times you had with your mum and dad.

Take care and sending hugs x
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
138
0
North East England UK
I also was not there when Mum went. She had been in hospital but the hospital could not do anything for her and I supported their decision to discharge her back to the care home. Once I got to Mum's bedside at the hospital I told her "I'm here now, I am going to help you". I knew she wasn't going to recover. She was very distressed by the interventions that she was getting and distressed at being in hospital.,
The hospital had not ccommunicated to the Care Home how poorly Mum was, and DB and I had to stop them sending her straight back to the hospital, and Care home did get her into a palliative care bed. I visited on the Friday and I knew she was going to be leaving us very soon. With support from DB and SiL I was able to get a priest to go to see her ( Mum was deeply religious) . The priest confirmed what we thought, it was going to be very soon. I went to see her on the Saturday and took her rosary for her to hold. Then on the Saturday night DB got a call that Mum had taken a turn for the worse . She died soon after. I did feel like I should have been there every single day, and at the same time I did not feel that my precence was helping her that much. I am glad I was able to sit with her and also do the much needed end of life and spiritual advocacy, also I found it a massive honour, gift and priveledge to have been able to support her at the end. She was a very private person and I believe she wanted to be private at the end of her life.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
691
0
My nan had always said she didn't want us with her for death watch - it was hard to know when to stop visiting to be honest but I told her I'd sorted her medication and she was good to go whenever she was ready. She told her niece she was dead when she visited and then that night she died. I had been wondering if I should have visited the next day and my brother had said he'd come back the day after, and I thought, knowing her, she wouldn't give him the chance. Everyone saw her, and then she went. Dying is private, apparently, and a lot of people don't want you there. It's OK. You have done brilliantly and you have done your best for them. That's all that matters.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,757
0
I spent a lot of time with mum at the care home while she was fading away. She’d been “end of life” from January through to September and we had a lot of false alarms. On her final day, I felt she was waiting for me to leave before she finally let go. I drew the curtains, made sure that the carers had given mum her evening morphine and said “bye for now mum”. I’d already told her that she was going on a journey where there would be no more wheelchairs, where she would see her mum and dad and husband who would be waiting for her, be able to run, dance and sing again. All things that sound ridiculous now but felt right at the time.

All the carers and I had a bit of a cry and a hug downstairs. Mum died shortly after I got home. A very private lady. I would not want someone who loved me to see me die. I often now feel I should have left earlier that day. It’s a hard thing to get right and we can only do our best.
 

karenbow

Registered User
May 24, 2021
43
0
thankyou all for your comments , i am so sorry for all that you,ve been through - it is 2 weeks yesterday since my mum died , but your kind comments and reading your experiences have helped me- i had a really bad day yesterday- cant believe i wont see my parents again- if i could only focus on the good times i think i would be able to cope but it is the memory of what mum went through over such a long time and how she passed that i keep dwelling on- it was the hopelessness of everything - feeling in control and helping mum and dad for a lot of years then suddenly there is nothing you can do- i dont expect a quick fix , i dont even want one but i so wish i could concentrate on something positive thankyou karen
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,076
0
South coast
It is so very early days for you @karenbow and your grief is still very raw.
At this stage your mind is still trying to process it all and your memory is still full of those last days.
My mum passed away 4 years ago now, but I still remember those early days. Be gentle with yourself and dont expect to "move on" or "get over it" in a few weeks (or months), which is what everyone around seems to want. Grief takes time and you have to go through it. The good memories will come back. You wont forget the last days, but they will recede and wont be at the front of your mind as they are now.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,757
0
The grief of losing someone from dementia is complicated, I think When we have cared for someone with dementia, we can have some truly awful memories. I try to take some comfort from the fact that my mum would not have had those same memories in her head.

We can feel cast adrift after all those years of caring and it is difficult to concentrate on caring for ourselves, which is what we should be doing.

Look after yourself @karenbow 🫂