1. 14KTP

    14KTP Registered User

    Oct 1, 2012

    I haven't posted before but would welcome some advice. My mum has AD, she's 69, my dad died 4 years ago and its been a steady decline since. The last couple of months have seen quite a rapid deterioration, she keeps saying she doesn't know where my dad is and can't remember losing him. Also her mum died last week and she can't seem to understand.
    She has carers twice a day (she doesn't realise they are carers and thinks she is ok and does everything herself). My big problem is that I live 200 miles away and have no other family, I'm an only child and so is my mum. The carers give me piece of mind that she is at least alright twice a day but this is all, when I visited last week there were a few comments in her book about 'friends' in the house when they visited but we have no idea who they were! She goes in to town quite a lot and keeps drawing money out of the bank not sure where that is going.
    Are there other options for care as an alternative to a care home? I don't feel she is ready for that but I don't think she can live alone safely for much longer. I think she should move close to me but would this make her worse? The constant travelling is getting too much especially as my daughter is still at school and I work full time.
    Any advice would be welcome - I can't be the only one
  2. jds

    jds Registered User

    Jan 28, 2015
    milton keynes
    my difference is i am 60 miles away but every thing else is the same.

    i have district nurse morning and social care starting this Thursday.
    i struggle to manage her medical appointments the list is just growing.

    i have found i get better responses if i remove the emotion and talk like this is process or some type of business. difficult bt has worked for me. try to get a meeting with the identified social worker, do this over a web cam list you concern is advance and email them. listen to the advice. then go Alzhemimers society to get second view.

    i have made slow progress all is not fixed it feels like i wait for the next issue yet i still have difficulties facing some of the problems.

    hope it help you are not the only one
  3. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    I am sorry that I cannot offer any suggestions about your main problem - but do you think that you could contact the carers that have written about the "friends" and ask them to get more details. It sounds a bit dodgy if she is withdrawing money on a regular basis.
  4. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    i would move her closer to you as soon as you can. It may make her confusion worse but that is going to happen anyway, it actually didn't make my mum any worse, but then she was further on than yours I think.
    If you are the only carer and you have stability and a future where you live now then it is the sensible thing to do. I was not the only carer yet I lost my business through frequent travel (it wasn't much of one but it was a shame). I nearly lost my son through my preoccupation with what was going on 150 miles away too, which was far worse.

    If one set of needs has to take priority it should be yours, if you are secure and ok then you will be able to care for your mum or supervise it properly. If you are dashing here and there you will just end up a wreck and then no one will get cared for.

    PS didnt move mum closer to me, just within her area to bungalow that dad could manage to care for her in.
  5. 14KTP

    14KTP Registered User

    Oct 1, 2012

    Yes, I have asked them to get names of these 'friends' if possible so fingers crossed this will be enough to put them off
  6. 14KTP

    14KTP Registered User

    Oct 1, 2012

    Thank you, I think once I get my grandma's funeral over with then I can focus on looking for somewhere for my mum.
  7. 14KTP

    14KTP Registered User

    Oct 1, 2012
    Thank you, it feels like everything takes so long, hope you get something sorted soon
  8. Feline

    Feline Registered User

    Oct 25, 2012
    East Devon
    Could she manage in a warden controlled place with carers still going in. In the meantime perhaps a friend/ visitor book may help, if they could note each visit and leave their name and contact number,true friends would not mind. Would your mum let you become third party on bank account which might help you keep track.
    Best wishes
  9. Navara

    Navara Registered User

    Nov 30, 2012
    Having travelled the journey of supporting mother in her bungalow for years, then visiting her in a care home for past three years, now preparing to visit her in a nursing home for (?) as long as she lives/her money lasts after (after which we are already warned she will need to move to somewhere cheaper) I would just say get them as near as possible to you. Life doesn't get any easier as time goes on with this horrible illness. A nursing home next door would be my dream!
  10. curtainsgalore

    curtainsgalore Registered User

    Nov 2, 2014
    I looked into very sheltered housing for my Mum. Your mother would have a certain amount of independence within her own rooms but with carers that work for the housing group doing all that domicilery care that she needs. With support and activities bear to hand to join in with.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  11. Navara

    Navara Registered User

    Nov 30, 2012
    Very sheltered housing is probably a good starting point but do bear in mind that eventually most people with dementia will need to be looked after 24/7 and even the most sheltered housing won't be enough.

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