too disruptive for respite

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
I have just got off the phone to my mum's support worker and we have been discussing lots of things one of which is respite for my dad who looks after her 24/7. Up to now I have provided the only respite he has, and have plans to continue doing so, but asking about the possibility of occasional respite in a care home I was told she might be too disruptive.

Mum is extremely difficult and aggressive and exhausting,and can't be left unsupervised or alone at all, she can't watch TV or read or cook or clean or anything, but physically is fine. She has problems which are similar to many of those described here, so not that unusual I feel.

What do we do? Are there care homes that will give respite for a couple of weeks to someone with disruptive behaviour? I was really hoping for this as things get worse, of course we want to look after her at home but it just is so hard - she won't accept any carers going in and tries to throw me out whenever I go too and tells my dad to go all the time.

Pippa
 

Norrms

Registered User
Feb 19, 2009
5,631
0
Torquay Devon
Hiya

Hiya Pippa, ive just shown Elaine your post and she said you should try mentioning "One to One support in your home " to your CPN. Hopefully she will be able to work something out, i do hope this helps my friend, best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
Hello Pippa

This is a ridiculous situation.

If your mother is too disruptive to be cared for in a respite home with teams of carers, doing shifts, she is too disruptive for one person, your dad, to look after.

I would get back to the Support Worker, put this point and ask what is the alternative.

If your dad became too exhausted to care where would your mother go.
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
Thank you Sylvia and Norrms and Elaine, I don't need to resort to care home just yet, it just felt as though a safety net had been removed. We are struggling.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
Pippa I wasn`t thinking of a permanent place in a care home, just a short term respite place to enable your dad to recharge his batteries.
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
I realise that, it is the safety net of a care home if the respite I can give does not work out that I need. I don't want to let my dad down, but I am 150 miles away and have all my childen at home, one from uni, one living back here aged 24, and one doing A levels.

My son doing A levels just absolutely broke down over the summer before I went away to do the week's respite. He needs me here and he is the future.

My mum doesn't want me around, she often does not know who I am and she hated the time she spent with me last month.

I don't know what my dad wants, except that he does not want me to give up my job, I sometimes worry that my visits cause him more problems in the end because my mum gets very vicious after I have been there. I am half expecting them to come and stay for a few days tomorrow, but they have not yet said whether they are coming or not, at the moment I cannot contact them and don't even know whether my dad has finally had enough and done away with the pair of them.

it's so confusing.
 

Jo1958

Registered User
Mar 31, 2010
3,724
0
Yorkshire
Pippa, hi
That safety net is so very important, just to know that it's available, please contact the professionals again and put Grannie G's question. My heart goes out to you as you are pulled in so many directions.
I do hope you get the help and support necessary for your dad to continue caring.
Kind regards, Jo
 

Christin

Registered User
Jun 29, 2009
5,038
0
Somerset
Hello, this is the situation we are in :-( The first respite was at a very nice, well run care home, but they have said they will not take FIL again as he was too disruptive. The second took place at a specialised care home and although they were able to cope with him it was some distance from our home and he returned in underwear that wasn't his :-(
We are continuing to search for the 'right' one and have visted several and asked lots of questions. We hope we have found one nearer to where we live, which has vacancies and we are waiting for them to come and do an assessment on FIL.
It is a nightmare and I often feel its not worth the hassle, but ..... we all need the break!
Good luck with your search, I am sure you will find somewhere that is just right for you all.
I believe your local authority may have booklets/website etc with information regarding which care homes are registered as having dementia care.
 
Last edited:

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
Thank you all, I had, quite by chance a chat with a friend this afternoon (I was checking her son's GCSE results!) about care homes and she has asked me to visit some with her as her mum now has worsening dementia and needs to be looked after.

I am quite looking forward to it, perverse though that sounds, at least I will have some idea of what is available rather than fretting over what isn't even if I never use it.

Parents not coming for the concert, respiridone or whatever it is seems to be having some positive effect, and dad sounded in good spirits
 

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