Tonight I actually snapped

[LYN T]

Thanks WG, I'm not amazing I have just had a lifetime of learning to box! But I got my head hit a few many times now I have my own symptoms!!! I think Dave's a better boxer than me

Sue J-WG is right you ARE amazing-so don't deny it

 

[Sue J]

Hi Dave

Just a thought I wonder if it might help you to have another thread running too about how you can help your wife. There people can post suggestions on specific things you ask or need/want help with. Whereas on the other thread (this one)you can post your own frustrations as you currently do - this may help you to separate your wife's dementia and see her dementia behaviours more objectively. Obviously ignore if you don't think this would help.

Best
Sue

p.s how's the jaw? you had a tooth out didn't you?

 

[SoyHJ]

Yep, looks like the nagging team and the nighty night club have joined forces for you. Ok, it wasn't a very wise thing to do in telling Mrs D but I am in total agreement with everyone else here. You HAVE to get out of mindset of how you might once have behaved or not. Times have changed and if a lie is necessary to avoid conflict to help the person, then so be it. In our case, I couldn't get an email address for the consultant and so I handed it over discreetly when we went for the appt, muttering something about 'just giving them those papers they wanted...' and was prepared to waffle on about a printout of GPs notes or previous blood test results or anything I could come up with. I don't think OH totally believed me but he didn't ask any further questions.

Do you think it would even be necessary to tell your daughter what's in the letter?

 

[bilslin]

Well Dave got to agree with the nagging club, times are a changing hun

 

[Raggedrobin]

I'm signing out for the night early. just had a conversation with my invisible sis, I asked if she could come up more often to relieve me of being with mum every day, day in day out (she is in care but needy). She told me she hates my mum and is not coming up again. I have no other family, so I am left totally alone drowning in this situation with mum. More than anything else I am so sad that my sister can be so lacking in compassion for our mother. She wasn't always the perfect mum, but she wasn't bad but my sis takes umbrage about everything in life. I feel very sad and quite despairing tonight. I'll be okay, I always am, but I am having a little cry tonight.

Night night Dave and the gang, tomorrow is another day for all of us. Xxx

 

[AlsoConfused]

Sleep tight RR, maybe you'll feel a little better tomorrow - hope so.

Perhaps your sister will be feeling more co-operative and helpful tomorrow too.

 

[Sue J]

Tommorrow is another day RR and hope it is a brighter one for you.
Hope you sleep wellxx

 

[SoyHJ]

So sorry about your sister RR. Have a cry and get it out of your system and try and get some sleep if you can. xx

 

[CeliaW]

RR - families are so bloody hard but the hardest part is you cannot take control (or sometimes predict) how they will behave. Have a good cry and get it of your system and then I hope you have a restful nights sleep.
At the end of the day you will know that you did what sat well with your conscience. Your sister may end up with regrets when it is too late but that is her problem, not yours.

Take care of yourself - never forget that you matter too xx

Sent from my SM-T310 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Scarlett123]

Oh RR. Don't you just love families . Thank goodness that you and your sister have different views. My brother was perfectly at ease with the fact that he rarely visited my Mum (who was fully compos mentis, but very frail), and said that if I wanted to visit daily, that was up to me.

Alas, he was right. When we were both at her funeral, I knew in my heart I could have done no more - but no doubt he did too. You have a good cry RR. Everyone must know my old aunt's saying by now, but I'll repeat it anyway - God makes tears to wash away sorrow. Take care. xxx

 

[Dave K]

Good morning

Mu apologies for not replying sooner, I fell asleep on the sofa a couple of hours ago and only woke up when Zeus decided to lick my face which startled me as it was pitch black, OH decided to go to bed and turned all the lights off and the TV

Thank you for all the help and advice concerning the clinic visit on Wednesday and how I should handle the private letter to the psychiatrist on Wednesday's visit with my wife, myself and daughter

I have been given a template to use from a kind member here on Talking Point and will fill in the missing gaps this morning and either email it to the clinic on Monday or if this is not possible I will physically drive to the clinic on Monday afternoon and deliver it to the receptionist by hand, it is only a 30 minute drive each way

So once again, thank you for all your help

Raggedrobin, it is so hard coping on your own, this I know, so chin up, it will be a better day tomorrow

 

[Dave K]

Well, it is 1:40am here, can not sleep as I nodded off on the sofa for 2 or 3 hours

Talk about 2 steps forward and 1 step back, slap in the face then 2 more steps forward (nothing is ever easy is it)

I have been exchanging texts with step-daughter with regards to taking her mum (My OH) away for a couple days to Bournemouth (have posted this a few days ago) after a few days of silence

So it goes like this...

Step-daughter and her husband will be collecting their Mum (my OH) on Sunday 27 July and will be driving to Bournemouth to visit another step-daughter and her husband

They will be staying there until Tuesday morning and should arrive here (back at home) later that afternoon / early evening

So that will be a full 2 nights and 3 days break that the both of us will get if I can persuade wife to go as:

When we talked about it the other day she was initially happy then came up with loads of excuses for not going, I don't trust anyone's driving but yours (me), I don't want to be left alone, what are you going to do, will you miss me if I go, it's a long drive, I cannot sit in the car for that long, will I have to sit in the back of the car, does the car have 4 door......

So this morning I have been exchanging texts with step-daughter with all these concerns and have been assured that everything will be OK and they won't be leaving her, step-daughter will be with her the whole time, this I am pleased as this will give step-daughter 2 nights and 3 days with her Mum which I think is long enough to be able to see what I have been / am going through caring for her plus Wife and I get a break

I have yet to finalise the details with OH as she is in bed and I ain't going to wake her now.

Short of wife not getting in the car on Sunday I think all is planned.

I will enjoy the rest, I need the rest...

Please let this be 2 steps forward and 0 steps back this time....

 

[dilne]

Well I do hope that things go as smoothly as possible Dave.
Might be worth suggesting regular stops for coffee & bathroom breaks. Sweets and maybe music that she likes to calm the journey.

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Dave K]

Well I do hope that things go as smoothly as possible Dave.
Might be worth suggesting regular stops for coffee & bathroom breaks. Sweets and maybe music that she likes to calm the journey.

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Talking Point mobile app

Good morning, what you still doing up? - I have an excuse

Yes, have spoken about that and have said that no more than 2 hours before stopping, I know it is going to be a pain but any longer than that then I am afraid there will be problems for them

Sweets. - Don't worry about that, I am sure my wife will NOT forget those, she guards her sweets as if her life depended on them. We have cupboards of them, in bags, in pots, in cupboards, in little jars, large jars, in fact I am never more than 2 feet from a stock pile

Music. - OH liked all types of music up until 6 months ago, now it is only Elvis Presley that floats her boat, nothing else will be tolerated. Maybe I should tell step-daughter to bring some Elvis CD's or a blue tooth iPod and for them to wear headphones for when they get fed up of listening to Elvis.

I think communication is going to be the hardest part as wife constantly wants to talk typically by asking questions then ending the answer with a "Why", But the biggest problem will be understanding, I care 24/7 and I find it difficult to understand what she is telling me unless I am lip reading as well as listening as this disease has virtually made her incoherent especially if she has a boiled sweet or food in the mouth when speaking, so I think the listening and communication is going to be the hardest part for both wife, step-daughter and her husband

There is not a cat in hells chance that wife will fall asleep in the car so I wish she was going for a break but I feel that from Barnsley to Bournemouth is a bit too far in a car

I maybe wrong, I hope so...

Total distance: 243 - 265 miles
Total driving: 4 hours (depending on traffic and conditions excluding stops)

 

[dilne]

Oh I have sleep problems, just one of those things but I'll be off shortly. I hope.
I lived in Bournemouth for many years I know it well. I would think it'll be warmer there than Barnsley, so make sure Mrs Dave has some cool and comfortable clothes to wear. Maybe some wipes as well.
I'm sure it won't be easy for your step daughters, but as long as they keep Mrs Dave safe, maybe its something they need to see. I know you will worry, you have been her sole carer for many years. But your SD's are adults, Mrs Dave goes out by herself and goodness me Dave you sure deserve a break.

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Dave K]

Oh I have sleep problems, just one of those things but I'll be off shortly. I hope.
I lived in Bournemouth for many years I know it well. I would think it'll be warmer there than Barnsley, so make sure Mrs Dave has some cool and comfortable clothes to wear. Maybe some wipes as well.
I'm sure it won't be easy for your step daughters, but as long as they keep Mrs Dave safe, maybe its something they need to see. I know you will worry, you have been her sole carer for many years. But your SD's are adults, Mrs Dave goes out by herself and goodness me Dave you sure deserve a break.

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Talking Point mobile app

Thanks for the advice, I am wondering if they have a tow-bar and trailer with all these things OH will need

A break, what's that... O yes, that's when normal folk take a few hours off, now I remember

Joking aside, yes I will be worried, I will be worried that my OH is OK and the kids can finally understand and accept that their Mum is not as they remember her. It's OK meeting in a cafe for an hour but 3 days, well, that is another story

Ooo yes, I also have to make sure she takes her phone charger with her, will proberbly give this to daughter as OH never remembers to charge her phone until it goes flat then comes in running to me to say her phone is broken

I have set up a service that when OH's phone battery drops below 20% I receive an automatic e-mail telling me that the battery is getting low and the coordinates of where the phone is, that has been a godsend to me...

 

[dilne]

What a good idea about the phone tracker.
Think a list maybe in order
Yes a break and dare I mention it that bacon butty you didn't get on your last 'break'
Just popped back to say good night. My posts can be very hit and miss the app kicks me off especially when I type a long pos


Sent from my GT-S6810P using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Raggedrobin]

Morning all. Dave, remember on other people's threads about hols most people say it is best not to talk about it too much in advance, so she doesn't build up anxiety about it. Its a shame they are taking her such a long way but it's worth a try. If I was you I would go away so that if they decide they can't cope they will have to take her back home and look after her at your house while you have your break away somewhere?
Just write them a big list of her needs and stuff, then you have done everything you can.

Your house sounds so mad, I have this image of sweets stuffed everywhere and a mad dog bouncing around through it all.

Sorry I hijacked your thread last night, Dave, I feel so fed up and also sad that my sister, who is my only close relative apart from mum (I'm from a very very small family that has all but died out) has chosen not to help. She says she doesn't understand why I am still up here with my mum. She has no idea, no idea at all of the suffering mum goes through and the support she needs. Its a weird world, I never realised until I joined TP how many people have family members who just don't get it, about the problems of dementia, or choose not to.

Anyway, hope we all have a nice Sunday. Weather is good here this morning. I think I need to stop thinking about how my life is on hold and all that and try to just be in the moment more.

 

[malomm]

Dementia and travelling

Good morning, what you still doing up? - I have an excuse

Yes, have spoken about that and have said that no more than 2 hours before stopping, I know it is going to be a pain but any longer than that then I am afraid there will be problems for them

Sweets. - Don't worry about that, I am sure my wife will NOT forget those, she guards her sweets as if her life depended on them. We have cupboards of them, in bags, in pots, in cupboards, in little jars, large jars, in fact I am never more than 2 feet from a stock pile

Music. - OH liked all types of music up until 6 months ago, now it is only Elvis Presley that floats her boat, nothing else will be tolerated. Maybe I should tell step-daughter to bring some Elvis CD's or a blue tooth iPod and for them to wear headphones for when they get fed up of listening to Elvis.

I think communication is going to be the hardest part as wife constantly wants to talk typically by asking questions then ending the answer with a "Why", But the biggest problem will be understanding, I care 24/7 and I find it difficult to understand what she is telling me unless I am lip reading as well as listening as this disease has virtually made her incoherent especially if she has a boiled sweet or food in the mouth when speaking, so I think the listening and communication is going to be the hardest part for both wife, step-daughter and her husband

There is not a cat in hells chance that wife will fall asleep in the car so I wish she was going for a break but I feel that from Barnsley to Bournemouth is a bit too far in a car

I maybe wrong, I hope so...

Total distance: 243 - 265 miles
Total driving: 4 hours (depending on traffic and conditions excluding stops)

Hi Dave, I think perhaps you are being a bit too aprehensive, and underestimating your wife's physical capabilities for travelling. My wife is much further down the 'disability' line than the desriptions I've picked up about your wife's unfortunate condition. She'll be fine, I'm sure. In Feb. this year I was forced to make a 'mercy' trip to the UK, and not having anyone able to look after my wife, was forced to bring her with me, by air.
She managed wonderfully, as long as I hung on to her like grim death on the underground, in shops and airports etc. We also made a trip by self drive hire car from Reading to North Wales, and the next day from North Wales to Stansted airport, so work out the mileage on that one. Of course, you factor in 'comfort stops' about every 90 mins Let her go for it and let somebody else worry for a change. Keep smiling.
malomm

 

[malomm]

Whilst I'm here, can I wish everybody as good a Sunday as possible.
keep smiling,
malomm