1. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    My dad is in the moderate stage of vascular dementia and is quite hard of hearing, although it does seem to be somewhat selective at times. I got him hearing aids, but he didn't like them at all, so I stopped asking him to wear them. Something I would like input on is this: He invariably as me to repeat what I said, even if it is just yes or no. I try to give positive answers to his questions and say...."yes, that is a very good idea"......pardon? "yes!" - a typical exchange. He then gets huffy and says that I'm shouting and he never shouts at me, so why am I shouting at him. It makes my brain boil for a few minutes, so I go out of the room, then go back in again, by which time he has forgotten about it. Is there any good way for me to improve the situation?
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,732
    Kent
    Hello hvml

    Try to simplify your sentences as much as possible, speak slowly rather than loudly and make sure you have eye contact.

    Older people even without dementia process language more slowly and I have problems listening to my granddaughters who speak with high frequency voices at 90 miles per hour.

    As my husband`s dementia progressed he found it more difficult to process language and I had to simplify it as much as possible.
     
  3. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    Thanks Grannie G. I'll do that. Slowly and clearly with eye contact. Makes sense.
     
  4. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    A lot depends on the stage your father is at, but sometimes with dementia the shorter the reply the better. I find with my husband that if I elaborate too much he gets lost, as I think it takes time to process each part of what I'm saying. Sometimes it feels wrong to answer in short sentences, or just yes and no, but we have to think how it best helps them. I thought at one time my husband's hearing was deteriorating, but after syringing they were fine -- it was just the time it takes him to process the words. As your father does have hearing problems, maybe try to have eye contact when talking to him (not always easy though, I realise.) Or say yes with a higher sound , and no with a lower one than you would normally.
     
  5. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    4,937
    Female
    Chester
    My mum is deaf - when tested very deaf, however she has lost her hearing aids and rarely used them so I am not prepared to spend the time to her her more.

    However on a good day she can hear quite well without them and before we realised she had dementia (ie I think she had it) she would tell us off for shouting saying she had heard perfectly well the first time - I think she had and just had spent the ensuing time processing it.

    If she knows what the conversation is about she can follow, and will often surprise me with what she can hear, however for years (pre dementia diagnosis) I have stopped having conversations with her and only tell her what needs telling.

    We (OH and I) do wonder if much of her deafness is actually dementia related as she can hear on some days, albiet her hearing aids are very very strong.
     
  6. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    Really helped alot already. Not reasoning is something that seems hard, as my dad was a headmaster and brought us up to reason, but I just have to accept that it's the only way.
     
  7. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    This sounds just like my dad. It's nice to find that there is a way of dealing with it, as he is still very sociable and loves to have conversations.
     
  8. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    First of all well done for walking out of the room when you feel annoyed-it's great to take a few minutes to calm down:) As well as making eye contact, speaking slowly and using simplified sentences, I found there was nothing more effective than a smile.:) I used to look in my Husband's eyes, speak and then smile. Most times he had no idea what I was smiling about but he knew that all was well:)

    Take care

    Lyn T XX
     
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    oh Lyn that is so lovely xxxx

    I agree simplify but not too much - it is a fine art keeping the sociability and security and interest of conversations in a simplified form but some of it is habit and it really changed my own way of thinking, cutting out the frivolous waffle but keeping in the facts and the interesting info
     
  10. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,499
    Female
    London
  11. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    Good points, well made. Lots of good things to take on board. I feel more positive already. Xx
     
  12. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    Wow Beate. I love the article from Dotty. I will smile more and try not to get bent out of shape!
     
  13. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
  14. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    What a momentous day. Such kind and helpful answers that have given me practical advice and further food for thought. It's made a big difference already. I also made millionaire's shortbread for the first time and it came out scrummy! Thanks again. Xx
     
  15. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Great advice! I'm glad it has already been of help.

    Dotty's article is lovely. I remember a friend of mine who was an audiologist. She said that we tend to frown when we are trying hard to get a message across. The 'listener' sees the frown and is frightened that something is wrong. If we remember to smile instead the listener get the message that everything is OK:)

    I will add my own, small, bits of wisdom :D - try to ensure that your lips are clearly visible. Make sure you are in a good light; don't put your hand in front of your mouth; ensure nothing else is obscuring your mouth (hair, newspaper etc); give visual clues if you can - a nod for instance.
     
  16. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,542
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    I know with my Mum, you have to keep your words simple.
    Anything too detailed, or anything longer than a sentence or two she gets lost in the conversation.
    Mum does not have hearing loss, but she does like the TV and any music loud though.

    I on the other hand have mild hearing loss.
    I get pretty irate when asking DH or my kids to repeat themselves, and they not only talk louder but have a look of frustration on their face, or can't be bothered repeating themself, so I agree a smile when talking louder rather than a frown, might be interpreted differently by your dad.

    This week I am trialling a hearing aid.
    On showing Mum she said " well your hearing is pretty bad you know"
    Laughed at that one :)
     
  17. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,118
    Female
    Scotland
    How true, Lyn. When Henry was at home if I was looking at something else when answering him he would get annoyed and say I was not listening to him. If I had a serious face he would become anxious and ask "What's wrong?"

    It took me a while to eventually 'get it'... Even worse earlier than then I thought he was going deaf and would talk loudly and slowly. He would roar at me "Don't shout at me! I'm not b****y deaf or stupid!" :eek: I learned the hard way by trial and error and then did what you did. Looked directly into his eyes, spoke clearly, taking my time, and smiled. He liked that! Mind you, during times of verbal aggression it was not easy smiling!

    I got better at it and when he had to go into the care home it worked a treat, especially the smile, even as you say he had no idea what I was smiling about! If I slipped up and looked serious he became very anxious and agitated. Even when his dementia had considerably progressed he was quick to pick up tone of voice and facial expression.

    Sorry to write so much but it brought back memories of how much easier once you now what works.

    This was before I found TP and what a fountain of knowledge it is.

    Good luck hvml

    Loo xxx
     
  18. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    Oh yes Loo! It takes some practice and trial and error-and some times it doesn't work-BUT it's worth having a go:) It's all to do with the emotions that Dementia sufferer's still feel-I think anyway.

    Love to you

    Lyn T XX
     
  19. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    These are all points that I can identify with Dad too. He is very sensitive to tone of voice and worries that something has gone wrong, or is not going right. I have been trying to put the smile into practice in particular and will keep practicing. It's not been easy this weekend as I was up with him at 4.00am. Today we took him for a walk around the village to get some fresh air, in the hope that it will help him sleep better. I'm going to do it every day while the weather holds for some fun and stimulation. Thanks so much for all the fascinating advice. I no longer feel so helpless. Xx
     

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