Tomorrow dad goes into his care home

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by snowygirl, Sep 28, 2015.

  1. snowygirl

    snowygirl Registered User

    Jan 9, 2014
    151
    So tomorrow my dad is due to go into his new care home:( To say I'm devastated is undermining how I really feel. I've shed bucket loads of tears but they keep coming...does it ever stop?

    My reason for posting is to ask others of their experience of moving their loved one into a home. Dad is going straight from a short term placement where he went for assessment to the care home. This afternoon I've been informed that we, the relatives, do this on our own without help from anyone else not SS or the Mental Health Team who were the ones that snatched him away in the first place. I cant believe we have to do this alone without any mental professional. Dad's been in this place for 5 weeks and has been out nowhere. What do we tell him? Where will he think he is going? We are his family and he knows this still, wont he think he is going 'home'? I'm so emotional the thought of it just sends me in a complete tizzy. How am I going to cope? How will my sister and my brother cope? Should we all go? We are not mentally trained nurses and although we felt we knew our dad inside out once of course he isn't the same as he was and we don't know exactly how he has been every minute of the day in the assessment home. Has anyone anything they can say to help me today. I have a mum at home too with vascular dementia. Telling her is just another emotional thread to pull :(:(
     
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,103
    Toronto, Canada
    I don't know the procedures in the UK but if you have to move your father yourselves, I suggest you all do it together, for support for each other.

    I had to move my mother from her care home to her nursing home on my own. I took my mother to lunch while my husband and friend moved her clothing and few bits of furniture. Then my husband picked us up at the restaurant and we went straight to the nursing home. We never really explained it, except this was a newer and better place (which it was).

    I realize that your circumstances are different, but I would recommend saying as little as possible to your father until you get there. Then you can present it as saying the doctor recommends he stays there for a while, if your father asks. He might not but if he does, put the decision on the doctor's shoulders.

    Good luck and take care. It is a very hard thing to do.
     
  3. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    Hi snowygirl :) I sympathise so much with your situation :(

    My mum was placed in a care home from hospital at the end of August this year, and I cried every day for a month....really cried. It is as you say, a devastating situation, and a horrible thing to have to do.

    To be honest, I'm not sure whether I could have safely driven mum. We were fortunate to have hospital transport, and it does feel wrong to me that you should be left with this job. Can no-one from the assessment unit at least accompany you?

    If it's too late to make different arrangements, I'd agree with Joanne, do it as a team, all of you together, and most importantly, say it's "doctor's orders" if your father asks. Please don't take the responsibility yourself, it's not your choice and you would rather not have done it.

    Will be thinking of you.

    Sending you every good wish :)

    Lindy xx
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,525
    Female
    South coast
    Could you tell your dad on the day that you are taking him out to a nice place for a coffee? Try and get someone to come with you and pack quickly after he has gone so that he doesnt see it.
    I am sure he will get coffee when he arrives ;):) and if there is someone else with you and dad then one person can stay with him while he has his coffee while the other person can be getting his stuff in his room. Then, when he goes into his room its all ready for him and he doesnt see the unpacking. If hes got some personal things like photos etc that will help him adjust to his new room.
    You may find that after a couple of days he doesnt remember that he has been in a different CH.
     
  5. snowygirl

    snowygirl Registered User

    Jan 9, 2014
    151
    Thanks you for your replies with some helpful suggestions. My brother and I are going to do it together. I'm actually going to the care home first to put his tv in his room and as mentioned put some photos in there that I prepared last night. I think at the home he is now I'll probably distract him whilst we play a game and my brother can somehow sneak out his bags. I'm trying to be positive about it and to make it as smooth as possible. It reminds me of taking my boys to university but much much harder because of course we know he isn't coming back. I know the home where he is going will be prepared and ready and try to make it as easy as possible. I've just got to take a big breath, grit my teeth and hold in the tears for his sake. Wish me luck I will report back here when I'm able. thanks again.
     
  6. piph

    piph Registered User

    Feb 4, 2013
    1,530
    Northamptonshire
    Hi snowygirl - just wondering how the move went today. Hoping it was as stress-free as possible.
     
  7. snowygirl

    snowygirl Registered User

    Jan 9, 2014
    151
    Hello Piph

    Thanks for asking. The move went fairly smoothly to be honest despite us having to do it alone and dad being in one of his moods when we went to pick him up. The new care home were lovely and I did get there earlier to put in his tv and put up a few photos. He seemed a little confused but as long as his 'mum' said it was ok it was fine with him he said! We told him as suggested that the doctors needed him to move and he seemed ok with it. He laughed with the care home owner and they gave us a lovely china teapot of tea with china tea cups and while he drank tea we put away his clothes. When the moment came at dinnertime I hugged him and said he was staying for dinner and that I would see him soon. Of course I had a cry as I left but one of the staff gave me a massive hug and said he would be ok and that was it. To be honest I feel relieved that the day I have been dreading for 4 years has come and gone and even my mum knowing he is just down the road(1/2 mile away)seems ok with it despite het own dementia. At least where he is he will be understood and looked after in a way my mum could not cope with. Thank you all for your help.
     
  8. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    So glad it went well for you all, snowygirl :) That's one more hurdle cleared....

    Lovely that the staff member gave you a hug, it's so helpful when they have an understanding of what you're going through.

    Hope things continue to go well ( bearing in mind the inevitable difficult days)

    Lindy xx
     
  9. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    305
    Im so glad the move went as it did - and I to think its a good sign that the staff hugged you. To me that shows they understand and care - not just for the residents but the relatives to. The staff at mums home have often given me a hug when its been a bad day and it does mean a lot :)

    xx
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,525
    Female
    South coast
    Im so glad it went well with minimal fuss.
    The carers sound lovely, so I do hope he settles there and is content.
     
  11. piph

    piph Registered User

    Feb 4, 2013
    1,530
    Northamptonshire
    So glad it all went well, sounds like a lovely place with caring staff. x
     

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