Today we turned a corner

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Casbow, Sep 17, 2015.

  1. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    981
    Colchester
    Today started well. Morning not to bad. I had to wait in for cooker repair man who would be coming between 12 and 2. Also Crossroads chap coming 1.30 til 3.30. Cooker man arrived after Crossroads chap so in the end I didn,t go out but spent the time talking to sitter and husband chipping in his bit of 'nonsense' that didn't follow the conversation. Our Crossroads sitter is very good at conversation and trys hard to keep husband in the conversation. After he had left husband started to pace. Like switching him on! This went on for 2 hours. I had gone into garden to get washing in and when i tried to get in the back door husband was blocking the doorway. I said 'Will you stop blocking the doors all the time. As i tried to get through I stumbled and nearly fell. As I got my balance he swiped out at me and hit my arm quite hard. I was shocked and it hurt. He said sorry but I am now worried, as he has been getting more and more angry lately. He has always been a calm and patient man. I know that dementia can make people change. Does this mean that he is going to become violent. Can anyone advise me.
     
  2. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    I've only taken a slap on the face from my O H once. I deserved that one as I had pushed her on a private matter. I hope this is a one off for you but I am sure others will be along soon to share their experiences. G L
     
  3. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,668
    Salford
    Hi Casbow
    What happened to you is inexcusable and I know exactly what you mean about the "standing in the doorway" thing, it drives me mad too and it happens about 100 times a day.
    I've just come to terms with the fact that nothing I tell my wife stays with her for more than a few minutes, there's no point in me asking her not to do something and expect her to remember, I might as well ask her to fly.
    I have to bite my lip a lot, scream inside my head but I know if I say anything she'll get angry. The pacing thing for me usually is a precursor to her getting angry or being paranoid, as soon as she starts doing it I try to deflect her with an activity, change her clothes, come outside while I check the tomatoes, anything to get her attention.
    (((((((BIG HUG))))))
    K
     
  4. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Hi,
    Its the anger for no reason (well not in non dementia life) that worries me for you.

    Has this sort of behaviour been mentioned to the MH Consultant? If not please make a note of it and let them know. Its good to have it on record and also they may have some mild medication to help.

    Our consultant was not particularly helpful but I did keep a sort of diary which highlighted any special incidents related to dementia. She did actually value those and between her and the GP they prescribed something to help.
    I do hope something similar could help you.
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,475
    Yorkshire
    Casbow, I don't think anyone can answer your question exactly - it may be a one off, it may be the start of something
    but to me it is a warning call that you must let others know what is happening - his GP, SS, consultant, anyone you can think of
    maybe meds need reassessing, maybe there's a UTI at play ....
    but a line has been crossed and you have a right to be safe in your home as much as your husband has
    the dementia adds complications to any situation
    So sorry you are facing this
     
  6. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,769
    Merseyside
    Tell people what's happening.
    My dad has become aggressive & his memory clinic worker gave me some advice about being aware of my personal space, don't get backed into a corner, walk away from an argument to try to press the reset button etc etc
     
  7. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    981
    Colchester
    Today we turned a corner.

    Trouble is by 5.30 and trying to cook dinner I have had enough of trying to keep calm or be nice. I do try to distract him. Help me put the rubbish out. Come indoors and have a drink and watch TV. Where is the dog., can you look for her, Dinner won't be long. Can you see if the evening newspaper has been delivered. I see other couples really enjoying their retirement. Having great days out. I am so jealous. Just want a life really. But I know I am not the only one. xx
     
  8. Jennyc

    Jennyc Registered User

    Oct 3, 2011
    72
    Kent
    Oh how I recognise what you are saying - it is so hard. Trying to stay patient and understanding, it's exhausting, like living a false life. I do hope this is a one off. A couple of times when the young man from Crossroads has come in to take my husband out for an hour or two, it has made him so angry he's lashed out and thumped me on the arm, and he's said if you are so keen on him why don't YOU go out with him. He hates being with any one except me and even to a degree is sort of jealous when one of our daughters visits. Not sure how to handle it, but older daughter says don't let Crossroads go, it is so important you get a bit of time without dad. So, so hard to keep up the being reasonable and calm appearance when inside you want to scream - I feel for you.
     
  9. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,668
    Salford
    I'm totally with the resentment (and I do mean that) I sometime feel towards my friends (for the record I'm 59 and my wife is 62) neither of us get a pension yet, I've had to give up work to look after her. My friends are all planning on retirement once in a lifetime trips, moving abroad for a few years any number of things while I'm stuck in a rut 24/7. Now the kids have grown up I should have 7 more years at work stashing some money in the bank for our retirement, my wife had to give up work 8 years ago so how much it's cost us I can't begin to guess, we're eating into savings when we should be adding to them.
    We're being robbed of what should be and is to many the best part of their lives, kids flown the nest, mortgage paid off, time on your hands and some money in the bank to enjoy it, however, I feel lucky compared to many on here, I can manage for now at least. If I was nearer Colchester I'd pop down and we could share a pot of whelks at Clacton, now how's that for a day out:D
    K
     
  10. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    It is like living a false life. It bears no resemblance to the one any one of us had planned.. I do resent having to give up work when I am left at home with OH who does not see what sacrifices I have made for him. But how can he. This resentment does eat away. Friends and family do make the right sympathy noises but can't possibly understand what it is like for us.I feel quiet invisible.So can understand and empathise with all you say.
     
  11. Marylil52

    Marylil52 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2015
    39
    #11 Marylil52, Sep 17, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2015
    Dear Casbow

    Something very similar happened to me a few weeks ago. D was angry and frightened. I had gone out, leaving him with the carer for 2 hours, and got back to find him waiting in the hall, furious. He kicked my bike. He kicked the carer three times, and tried to kick me, but the carer (a sweetie) held him back. He kept shouting 'you don't understand'. I was appalled and angry. The carer amazingly was nonchalant about the whole thing. The old friend I told in confidence was deeply worried and said I must speak with Drs and MH people. I did so, very cautiously as I felt I was betraying D, and they at once said I must let them know quickly if this happens again. There is medication (with risks for DLB patients, so beware of easy prescription of antipsychotics) and this can help with aggression. D has not done anything like this since and is very ashamed - he remembers the episode; but it has left me anxious, not for myself but for others including his daughters or carers.

    The advice from cat27 seems wise and helpful: perhaps we all revert to instinctual, animal, behaviour when our minds are compromised. So not touching someone carelessly, not cornering them or letting them corner you, not blocking them and walking away from rage, will help to keep us safer. But do tell the GP or specialist, and do tell the MH people.

    Take good care of yourself. Thinking of you with very much sympathy.
     
  12. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    981
    Colchester
    Turning a corner

    Thankyou to everyone for your comments and kindness. Yes I will mention this to the Mental health Doctor when we next go, which should be in about 3 weeks. Husband has become very angry of late. He is becoming more frightened I think of the deterioration in he capacity to think about anything. He can rarely speak three words before it stops as he has no idea what he was going to say. I think this is another reason we carers feel so isolated. Once conversation goes, there is little else left except the daily struggle. I want to get my eyes tested but can't take him with me. So now have to sort that out.Need to clothes shop but that is such a pain that I can't face it. Can't take him anywhere and enjoy it. Because we live in a village with only 4 buses a day I have to go everywhere in the car which in itself is a bit of a problem as he distracts me quite a lot. Never mind got to get on with it. Thankyou all and I hope your day is good today.x
     
  13. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,769
    Merseyside
    #13 Cat27, Sep 18, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2015
  14. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    I may have missed something here but what help are you getting? Do you get any respite from your struggle. Do you have carers coming in or does your OH go to Day Centres? GL
     
  15. Beannie

    Beannie Registered User

    Aug 17, 2015
    94
    East Midlands
    Hi Casbow,

    Like everyone else I can so relate to everything you say. The jealous feelings are I think perfectly understandable, I certainly have them, its thinking about what might have been. It also doesn't matter that you know you are not the only one, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with, after all we are only human and we each have a breaking point, I reached mine 8 weeks ago and D had to go into care aged just 62. My Grandmother used to recite a poem to me and it goes like this:-

    If ifs and ands were pots and pans there would be no need for tinkers
    If ands and buts were apples and nuts there would be no need to grow them

    Just a little 'ditty' to hopefully brighten up your day.

    Hugs
     
  16. Beannie

    Beannie Registered User

    Aug 17, 2015
    94
    East Midlands
    Oh Kevin1 this so could have been my post. I too feel robbed. I am also in the same boat as you as regards giving up work and not being pensionable age and eating into savings which were supposed to give us a comfortable retirement with many trips planned. I am having to support 2 households now, my husband's care home fees and my day to day expenses. The only brightness is that the mortgage is paid off and if things get really difficult I could downsize, could even pitch a caravan on the nearby roundabout under the trees where I wouldn't be seen until autumn when the leaves fall of the trees!! I want to stay where I am as I like where we live but needs must as they say.

    I think a day out in Clacton would be great, not sure about the whelks though but I am sure I could find a seafront pub and substitute the whelks for a pernod and coke!!

    Happy days if only!!
     
  17. tigerqueen

    tigerqueen Registered User

    Mar 11, 2014
    75
    Essex
    My heart goes out to all of you dealing with this unpleasant illness. I too gave up my job this year even though I am only 58, but on a good day I consider myself lucky that I was able to do that. But on a bad day I feel so resentful that this has happened. I can relate to all the things you have said; the standing in the doorways is so so so irritating, but I really hate the jealousy he shows towards anyone who takes my attention away from him, including our own daughter. Casbow do you have a place of safety you can take yourself off to if there is anymore aggression towards you when you are on your own? Perhaps just knowing you have somewhere will give you peace of mind.

    For those living in Essex and Suffolk, I was given a leaflet about free home eye tests which are generally aimed at the person with dementia, but I wonder whether they may also do them for carers too www.eastenglandeyecare.co.uk
     
  18. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,475
    Yorkshire
    Morning Casbow.
    I think you can tell from the recent posts that we are all still concerned for you.
    I too wonder with Grey Lad - what support are you getting? And do you have somewhere safe in the house, just in case?
    And I didn't mean to tell the consultant in 3 weeks, I meant TODAY - before the weekend. It needs to be known just how tricky your husband's behaviour is becoming. At least call your GP and ask for a phone consultation explaining that it's so hard for you to leave the house.
    Otherwise you've turned a corner only to hit a brick wall.
     
  19. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    981
    Colchester
  20. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    According to John, I made Christine Keeler seem like a nun, cos I was always entertaining men, having affairs, often didn't even know their names, and, in John's World, this was why we weren't indulging in Rumpy Dumpy! :D

    It is embarrassing to have to go through all this with The Powers That Be, GPs, SWs for example, but you must let them know, and definitely advise them immediately about violence. I wasted about 8 years, trying to be stoic, stiff-upper-lip-ish at all times, minimising problems, because it felt disloyal to say otherwise.

    Not only that, John would vehemently deny anything I said to him about his behaviour, let alone anyone else - hence my decision to give a "To Whom It May Concern" statement, to all and sundry, to read. I realised that this was why battered wives kept quiet, because of the shame. But I also realised that this wasn't the Real John, and if he laid me out with a back hander, who would look after him?

    I know it sounds like sundowning, and as others have said, it might be a UTI, or need a change of medication, but please let others know. You can't live in fear.
     

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