1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    One week on..

    Each minute I remember what was happening. I tried to get a friend round for a cuppa as it approached a quarter to three, the time Mum died, but her little girl was asleep.

    I ended up in the kitchen cleaning and when I think about it Mum was in that room so much of her life. But the tears flowed and I fell out with my son who was desperate to bake just as the time approached and I just couldn't cope.

    The numbness is fading and the pain is starting and I wish she was back, even as she was a few short weeks ago to feed again, and be there.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,586
    Kent
    I don`t believe you really do Mameeskye. You watched the suffering and you suffered with your mother, you miss her of course, but you don`t really want her back to have to endure more of the same.

    You know your feelings are going to be all over the place. You are in mourning, you are grieving, and this is how it is.

    You have been so strong and now you can let your guard down. Allow yourself the time to grieve, it can`t possibly be all right in a few short days.

    Love xx
     
  3. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    I'm afraid I'm with Mameeskye .... if I could have my dad back for even two minutes .... in whatever sad state he was towards his final days .... just to allow me to love him again ..... and that's more than eight years on ....

    Mameeskye - we all know some days do hit hard - 'anniversaries' of their passing, their birthdays etc etc .... the only thing that helps me cope now is to recognise which significant dates/times are likely to trigger even many years later...... and try to pre-empt the inevitable effect it has on me ..... (if that means noting in diary to simply write the day off)...

    I suspect on top of everything else you are now feeling guilt about letting your son down ..... that will pass, he will forgive ..... but this time next week ... plan the baking for another day?

    Hugest hugs, Karen, x
     
  4. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    420
    Dear Mameeskye,

    I can understand where you're coming from. I lost my aunty and nan and gramps to VD/dementia, and while my head tells me that I wouldn't want them to come back in the state they were in during the final months and weeks, I would give anything to still be able to be there for them and with them, by their bedsides, to tell them things, to say I love them. I know they are relieved of their suffering, and I feel I'm a selfish so and so for wanting them back, but sometimes you just can't help it. I'm not in the UK but travel there regularly, and I still have the overwhelming feeling I should be going into the hospital and nursing home instead of driving past.

    You only lost your mum a week ago...that is no time at all. And the pain will be there, in different ways some days than other days, and gradually it will get that little bit easier to remember and smile.

    After nan and gramps and my aunty had died, and indeed two other family members since, I found myself counting in weeks. I would remember nan died on a thursday, aunty Jean on a Tuesday, and gramps on a Sunday, so as the weeks went by and Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays came around, I thought one week since it happened, two weeks, 6 weeks, etc. Same with the days of the funerals. Now, I don't do that any more. But when I remember things, I still think "Gramps was still alive then", or "this was shortly after gramps died", for example.

    Take it a day at a time, cry when you need to, make plans with your son, think of your mum, spend time doing nothing and just thinking. I do it and feel better for it. My nan died nearly 7 years ago, and I still miss her today, but in a different way than in the early stages. Aunty Jean and Uncle Harry have been gone 15 months, gramps just over a year....life goes on, it's just different, but I'm getting on with it. The pain is still there, and some days it's raw...little things trigger floods of tears, but it's better after 1/2 hour or so. And the good spells get longer and longer.

    Look after yourself, your mum will always be with you.
    Love, Tina
     
  5. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Dear Mameeskye

    Of course you feel this way. Just think how much of your time, energy and love you have invested in your mum and now she's not there (in any form - well or unwell). You will still be geared up to investing in her - it is natural.

    There will come a time when you are ready to re-invest your time, energy and love elsewhere.

    Sending you a big hug at this time of your loss.

    Love Helen
     
  6. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Oh Mameeskye,


    I understand the remembering...

    for many weeks..even months..after my dad died...at about 5.45 on a beautiful October afternoon..and it was a Wednesday..mum would phone ..always at that time...and we would chat about it all..how we looked after my dad at home together..and he finally "whispered away"

    Even though it was peaceful the time leading up to his death was traumatic..to say the least..

    It's been the same for you..and it is very early days..there are so many emotions involved in losing a parent..spouse..child..it doesn't ever go away..

    But it becomes easier to bear..

    Now I'm giving you the hug(can't do the graphics though)

    You are human..you are grieving..let it be..allow it to happen..

    Love gigi xx
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Mameeskye

    You knew this was going to happen, didn't you?

    You've been so positive, concentrating on the happy memories, arranging the funeral, thinking to the future -- and now it has hit you.

    Of course you want your mum back. That feeling will never leave you. You have lost an important focus of your life, the person who always supported you, and in whom you've invested so much love and care over the last few years.

    You know that hole will never be filled, but will gradually become less -- you've written about it. But at this moment that hole is at its deepest. No wonder you collapsed.

    Don't worry about your son, you know a cuddle will put things right there. But what about you?

    You need all the tlc and hugs you can get just now. I wish I could come and have a cuppa with you!

    Take care of yourself, you'll get through this. Your mum is with you, and her arms are reaching out to you.

    Love and huge hugs,
     
  8. bclark

    bclark Registered User

    Feb 15, 2008
    68
    greenhithe kent
    dear mameeskye, my heart goes out to you, i have been in your shoes 5yrs ago, talking about your mum really helps i still think about her often , people say that time heals, at the time that wasnt much help but it is true, you can always talk to us at TP,:)bclark
     
  9. frederickgt

    frederickgt Registered User

    Jun 4, 2005
    124
    Hornchurch,Essex
    dear mameeskye,It is now three months since Anna passed away,not died or left me,but in a different room,waiting for me.
    Now she has no more pain or confusion,she is happy once again.
    As for me,at odd moments I look to her favourite chair and I almost cry,but then i think that now she is better off.I busy myself taking care of her garden,as she would want me to,so I cannot give in,she would be ashamed of me if I did.
    Nights are lonely,sleep is difficult,then I remind myself that she still lives in my heart and my thoughts,and always will until that great dat when we are re-united
    Love frederick
     

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