Today I feel shattered after visiting my husband in a care home.

Soopysue

Registered User
Nov 11, 2012
2
Hello Bugs

My husband went into care early November. He was very unsettled at first but his medication has been gradually reduced and he seems more settled and less sleepy and confused.
This last week has been a good one for him with respect to how settled and relaxed he has been.
However what a shock I had today. He was very lucid indeed. Wanted to know what he was doing there, asked why he can't come home and then proceeded to ask why he had been kicked out of his home.
I explained that he hadn't been kicked out of anywhere, he agreed to go for a week into respite after an incident at home when he became physical with me. I went on to remind him about his behaviour in respite which resulted in him being taken to hospital. He said he had made a mistake and never intended things to turn out like they have.
He said he can't live without me, and I have no idea how it feels to be left all alone with nothing to do. He said he is going to ask our sons what they think.
He says he loves me so much it's painful and he needs to spend all of his time with me.
At some point I tried to explain that on my own I couldn't look after him as well as he is being looked after at the moment.
Of course he thinks I can do a better job.
I feel like I have been pulled through a hedge backwards and am beginning to question myself if he isn't in care when he doesn't need to be.
My head is thumping.
Is there anyone out there who can identify with this. ?
My husband was exactly the same when he first went into care. I too couldn't look after him due to safety reasons. He was admitted 3 years ago and had a lot of lucid moments when I thought I had done the wrong thing in placing him there - he had Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson's - he fluctuated between good and bad days - I was the evil person who put him there - I had the house he had nothing - I could do what I wanted he couldn't and so it went on. I have come away from him on lots of occasions in tears- but I still went back to visit. On bad days I would just say that I would come back another day as he wasn't having a good day. It was hard to go but it helped me and him as it stopped him getting more agitated!
He gradually got worse over the 3 years and passed away in July 2015 - I miss him so much - but the hurt is getting less - I am lucky and have a very supportive family and some very good friends. Believe me I know exactly what you are going through!!
You must look after yourself and get as much support as you can. Take care.
 

Enigma

Registered User
Sep 13, 2015
6
80
Bristol UK
Dreadful time for you!

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. You wouldn't have put him in a Nursing home if you had been able to manage at home. Hopefully he will forget what he had said.
I can understand how awful you must be feeling Bugs!
I too wish I could have my husband home with me, but he is totally need bound now with double incontinence. He is severely sight impaired and can't say more than the odd word. He had to have his fluids thickened with two scoops of thick and easy, and given to him on a spoon. He finds it difficult to swallow and keeps dropping off to sleep between spoonfuls. He hardly ever opens his eyes. He has vascular dementia.

If he could walk I would have him home, but can't manage a hoist on my own. I miss him so much although I spend 4 to 5 hours at the Nursing home each day to make sure he gets enough fluids as it can take 20 mins to spoon 200 mls in. I hate leaving him when I go home.
I nursed him for 6 years before he lost the use of his legs.
I wish you better days with hopefully a lot of support from your sons. It is very very difficult to do what is best for you both. Take care of YOU too - thinking of you xxx
 

RememberMeDear?

Registered User
Dec 22, 2013
2
Guilty feelings..

My mother is 82 years young and has been in a care home for 3 years now. It breaks my heart every time I visit her. She can talk and talk about the 50s/60s onwards, is very calm and dignified, still wants to put her lipstick, ear-rings and necklaces on and still loves going out for lunch. The staff at the care home love her to bits as she is still enthusiastically taking part in drawing, sewing, bingo, dancing and singing activities. However, Mum cannot remember yesterday, last week or the fact that Father has died 3 years ago. She asks how and where he is every visit. I have a knee injury and live nearly 40 miles away from the care home but ring her often when I cannot drive to visit her, but each call is a repeat conversation of the last one as she does not recall our conversations. She still wanders around at night, getting fully dressed at 3am and says she is going to walk out as she has had enough of living "in this place". Mum tells me she is frightened and wants to go home (but home as now been sold to pay for the care home fees). Mum also has mobility and incontinence problems. I just want to pick her up and bring her home with me but I know I could not lift her or cope with her getting up through the night, or her incontinence. The guilt of not being able to care for a loved one who has cared for you for years is awful, when it is your partner it must be even worse. My heart feels for you, you must have been through some very difficult times caring for your husband, and you have obviously done all that you possibly can, but now it is time for you to have a rest and not feel guilty. Visit your husband as often as you can, but not every day - you now need a well earned break. Take him fresh fruit, favourite treats, favourite games, laugh together, stroll together in the local park and tell him you love him often, but please please do not feel guilty.