1. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #1 Margarita, Feb 22, 2006
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2007
    Don’t know where to start or how to put this ok hear go .

    I gave up my job a year & half ago to look after mum full time, & can not do it anymore ,but still want to look after mum at home, till mum gets to the stage that I can no longer look after her .

    I would love to read please someone else story in how they cope in looking after there mum at home & work fulltime.

    I do not have a partner so could not work part time,& have work out benefits if I work over 16 hours I lose the carer allowance & have to pay full rent , sometime I feel don’t give a dame ,somehow with mum pension & my part time wages ,we cope .

    Then ok go full time & just get in a full time carer, it be wired.



    If your in the same situation as in not working ,how do you combat the boredom ,I have work all my life & thought I could cope with not working ,but can not accept the situation of not working my confidents has hit a low & now am scared in how would I organise it all ,working full time & looking after mum .

    Mum is stage 5 AD is in respite at the moment ,I have an interview on Friday & do not no what to say as in working full time or part time .Its only in Sainsbury’s around the corner from me ,I use to work for Marks & Spencer’s.

    I know I could go back to M&S, but seeing that Sainsbury is just around the corner I like the idea that it’s near to home.

    Any comments, advice would be most appreciated :)
     
  2. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I can only say good luck with combining work with caring, Margarita, and hope you can get enough paid help, either via SS or private.

    I had already taken early retirement because of my own health problems before my mother got so ill.

    (It's useless to wonder what would have happened if I'd still been working. Or if I had not already bought my own home. Independence! Of course there are plenty of people who think I should "go home and look after mother" but her house is not my home, and she doesn't want me living there, even complained about me leaving one change of clothes there. After all the time I've spent there looking after her, and she's alone in a 4-bedroom house, she can hardly complain she hasn't enough space for one change of clothes. She is now making it very clear she doesn't think I should stay for 2 nights at a time.)

    Lila
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Lila,

    I know that when my mum was in earlier stages she became very possessive about certain things; this could be what is happening with your mum about her own space. Don't take it personally.
    Amy
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Did your mum always react towards you not staying in her home before your dad pass away?



    .

    My mother trun really stage when my father died towards me ,as in not wanting me around .she even sold her home & moved aboard it was only when she Had no other choice I don't no maybe realized her mistake ,that she trun to me for help
     
  5. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I usually only stayed 1 night at a time, but when my father was ill I stayed longer as he wanted us around.

    My mother had become so dependent on me during her illness, so it is a good thing that she is now making these gestures of independence.
     
  6. Geraldine

    Geraldine Registered User

    Oct 17, 2003
    143
    Nottingham
    Hi there

    I think one of the best things for you to do would be to contact your local Social Services to see what sort of care package they can put in plave to keep your Mum safe at home when you return to work. You will probably have to contribute but I think this differs over the country. There are also sitting services like Crossroads, you should be able to find a local one through a Google search or again thre SS or your local carer's federation, do also get in touch with them, they are great listeners and advocates. Not sue if you have decided about work but I reckon part time might be a good bet, perhaps you could then pick up extra shifts. I managed to work 17 hours a week (it was my salvation and link with reliality) with Mum at home until she became too ill and 'paranoid' for me to care for. It was hard work but with help from crossroads and Age Concern day centres I managed to keep going for as long as I could.

    Good luck in whatever you do.
     
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    The social worker arranged 3 care visits a day for my mother but they seem to have cancelled the midday visit as she didn't give them anything to do, and, as they say, they are short-staffed with people who really need spoonfeeding.

    The trouble is unless there's someone there you can't check up on them. Well, even when I am there, there's nothing much I can do, if they lie and steal. My mother complains about them but then when I ask if I should phone the care manager or the social worker, she says no, she doesn't want them to get into trouble "I love them so much!" She has to love somebody, and mostly there's no-one else there.

    My mother sacked the care manager, she told her to go away and not come back. But at least she hasn't sacked "the girls".
     
  8. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Day Centres

    How do you get someone to go to a day centre if she refuses?

    There are four in my mother's area and she won't try any of them.

    Lila
     
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Geraldine

    I went to the interview for the part time job ,I told them that I am a carer for my mother & would like to do 16 hours ,then they went on to say ,oh so your have to rush back for your mother afterwards? I said no because I would have a carer I felt that is decrementing? This job was to work at Sainsbury’s.

    Maybe next time I should lie & say mum in a care home full time ?
     
  10. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I don't think you'd need to lie, just don't mention your mother in the interview.

    Did they specifically ask have you a mother and how is she?
     
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    lila

    They ask why I had left my last job, so I had to say that I left work to care for my mother full time.

    I’m just going to see if I can get back in to marks & Spencer’s my old job ,what make me feel even worse, & because I did not have the conferences ,Marks did offer me a job & I pass the interview to work at the Kensington store ,but like a fool I did not take the job now regret it ,I always learn the hard way like the old saying :- you never no what you got till its gone .

    Shall ring them up & see if there any vacancies , I use to do interviewing recruitment section ,some where there an act of law that they can not decimate on the grounds of child care arraignments ,should add elderly parents :)
     
  12. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Hope M and S will be more understanding, as they have previous experience of your work.

    Lila
     
  13. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    I think it is important to have something else in your life other than just looking after someone - financially of course but also to keep sane.... If it was me I would say whatever I think is going to get me the job.... They want workers and you want to work! Do not let other peoples (human resources!!) preconceived ideas get in the way of turning a buck.

    I am finding that Alzheimer's is not a charismatic illness.... Cancer used to be in that role but has received good marketing and publicity and is now 'acceptable' - One of the things this illness needs is better understanding of the world at large!

    For myself I have written two books and run an extensive web site that sells my sailing productions as well as hanging onto my boat.. without those things I would go crazy. I did drive a lorry for a while and have thought about doing that again, but the reality is, I cannot actually leave Monique alone long enough... So it is the computer based activities that keep me going.

    Good luck Margarita with the job hunt - just tell then less than everything would be my advice -

    Michael
     
  14. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi Michael, what a lovely positive post you have sent to Margarhita.

    You are so right, we all become better carers if we can just focus outside sometimes.

    A little "me" time goes a long way, what better if you can couple it with a paid job.

    Take care now, Connie
     
  15. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Connie (and Margarita),
    My job is 'me time', very, very important since 'things' have been getting worse on the home front. I feel guilty about it a lot of the time, but not half as guilty as when I have 'real me time', like taking the grandchildren out for a couple of hours last saturday: I had organised care for my husband, but I felt as though I was truanting, as I consider evenings and weekends to be the time when I should be there doing the caring.

    I suspect you will tell me not to be silly, and in my head I know that my husband had no idea that I wasn't there or why I wasn't there - but I still couldn't quite get rid of the guilt monster ..... Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies and make things harder on ourselves than needs be.

    What I am trying to say to Margarita: go for it, as long as your Mum is safe and cared for, she would not expect you to give up your life. This 'game' is full of compromises, and I hope you find a job you enjoy and one which you can combine with caring for your Mum.
     
  16. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Michael thank-you for that advice

    someone that understands, & Connie I find the only out let is the internet, so at first I was scared bid not understand AD, so gave up work, not relishing what out side help I could of got for mum while I was still working, stress of trying to get someone to believe me that something was wrong with mum ,because I was ignorant yes ignorant on the whole issue of AD, just like people was with cancer 20 or so years ago.


    Its about time society stood up & realized & put AD on the same level as cancer, at the end of the day cancers eats your body away, while AD eats the brain nerves away & you can still get AD at a younger age & you never hear that on the TV .

    All you hear on TV is the negative part, the anger, person not knowing you, but with medication it can slow it all down ,just like cancer

    I wonder if we go back in time what change people attitude towards cancer?

    I got to say this, but with someone with cancer you can say your last good by’s to each other as they pass away or am I getting confused talking from my emotion, feelings when I ask when do I say good buy to my mum? /silently to myself as days, time, passes as she slips in to not knowing me?

    It’s a living grief & I want to learn some coping skills. Who care’s, but a carer ?
     
  17. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    558
    Stow-on-the-Wold
    Day Centres

    Hi Lila

    I am in a similar position re day centres. In my area we are so lucky to have plenty of care facilities and lots of friend who are prepared to give the odd hour or two. Unfortunately Mary does not want to be with anyone other than me, however I insist that I have 3 hours a week to myself and it turns out that she is quite happy with the friend who stays with her.

    Perhaps the answer is to take a stronger line but then again what do I know. This business is about hard choices unfortunately.

    Keep trying

    Dick
     
  18. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Nutty mum

    did not see your post ,thank-you the only thing is my mum does not want me to go to work ,she make me feel so guilty yes the guilt & see say but she is no trouble ,then I explain I need time for myself ,then give up & remember from the past when I was younger dad was alive she could never understand I had my own life to live ,yes and that is where my guilt is coming from, * from the past it must be? & wanting my own space from mum I always said that to her* I want to live my own life.

    Now it’s different its now & then was the past & mum can not understand, because of the AD

    Thank-you all I shall keep job hunting & combine it with looking after mum xx ((hugs to all)))
     
  19. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    You have to make it clear to you and to your mother that you looking after her doesn't mean she gets her own way over everything.
     

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