My father is widowed and lives alone. Diagnosed with mild dementia but believe worse than that. We live abroad and even mentioning a visit to him sends him into complete stress mode and repetition. 'Phone calls are a pain-he's always in a mood, doesn't listen, angry or complaining about something or someone. Want to see him but what is best for him?
To visit or not?
- Thread starter Maud
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Dear Maud,
Do you have any relations in England who can visit?
This is just my personel opinion but to put your mind at rest - I would visit.
More people will come on line and offer you advice.
Best wishes
Christine
Do you have any relations in England who can visit?
This is just my personel opinion but to put your mind at rest - I would visit.
More people will come on line and offer you advice.
Best wishes
Christine
Hello Maud
Oh dear, he`s probably in a panic about getting food in for you, or the state of his house. He might not want what he will see as the responsibility of your visit.
Do you have any friends or family who could see how the land lies? Someone who would be prepared to be with him when you visit, just for the initial support.
It`s very difficult. You canb`t really stay away indefinitely and yet you won`t want to cause him additional stress.
Others might have better suggestions. I hope so.
Love x x
Oh dear, he`s probably in a panic about getting food in for you, or the state of his house. He might not want what he will see as the responsibility of your visit.
Do you have any friends or family who could see how the land lies? Someone who would be prepared to be with him when you visit, just for the initial support.
It`s very difficult. You canb`t really stay away indefinitely and yet you won`t want to cause him additional stress.
Others might have better suggestions. I hope so.
Love x x
Hello Maud welcome to T/P.
I think it is probably time to come over and assess his present needs & see if you can arrange extra help for him. I think it would be best not to arrange to stay with him, as apart from anything else, disruption from routine often makes dementia worse. Why don't you see if you can find a BB or hotel in the area & book yourselves in there. Perhaps if you wait to tell him you are coming until the day before you arrive.
I think it is probably time to come over and assess his present needs & see if you can arrange extra help for him. I think it would be best not to arrange to stay with him, as apart from anything else, disruption from routine often makes dementia worse. Why don't you see if you can find a BB or hotel in the area & book yourselves in there. Perhaps if you wait to tell him you are coming until the day before you arrive.
Perhaps, a way of achieving what you want to achieve, is to plan your visit and plan whatever needs to accompany your visit ...
but don't announce your impending visit, don't even discuss it ...
just turn up and do whatever is in your mind that needs attention.
Thereby, no stress placed anywhere.
It may work --- it may not. But not for the want of trying another method.
but don't announce your impending visit, don't even discuss it ...
just turn up and do whatever is in your mind that needs attention.
Thereby, no stress placed anywhere.
It may work --- it may not. But not for the want of trying another method.
For peace of mind, I'd try and find a way to visit.
If it went pear shaped then that would be a shame, but you would know you had tried, and you would also be able to observe things first hand.
You might need to use some wiles to manage the visit, but I'd be trying..... In the future you might wish you had, and as the saying goes... you can't change the past, only today.
If it went pear shaped then that would be a shame, but you would know you had tried, and you would also be able to observe things first hand.
You might need to use some wiles to manage the visit, but I'd be trying..... In the future you might wish you had, and as the saying goes... you can't change the past, only today.
Hi Maud, welcome to TP
I think like the others that the thought of your visit is throwing your dad into a panic.
Possibly he's not keeping the house as well as he did before, and doesn't want you to see the muddle. He's probably also worried about shopping, and cooking. Maybe he thinks you'd want to move him.
All sorts of things to panic him, and his poor brain can no longer think logically.
I think Chrissyann's suggestion of a B&B is a good one. That way you wouldn't be putting any pressure on your dad, and could see for yourself how bad (or good!) things are,
But I certainly think you should come and visit. I think he'd be really pleased to see you.
I think like the others that the thought of your visit is throwing your dad into a panic.
Possibly he's not keeping the house as well as he did before, and doesn't want you to see the muddle. He's probably also worried about shopping, and cooking. Maybe he thinks you'd want to move him.
All sorts of things to panic him, and his poor brain can no longer think logically.
I think Chrissyann's suggestion of a B&B is a good one. That way you wouldn't be putting any pressure on your dad, and could see for yourself how bad (or good!) things are,
But I certainly think you should come and visit. I think he'd be really pleased to see you.
Hello Maud,
I think I go along with the 'plan a visit but don't let Dad know' theory.
Is there anyone with whom you are in touch who has contact with Dad, to give you some idea of how he is apart from the impression you have formed from phone calls.
It is quite common to find that 2 different pictures emerge from 2 separate points of view (for better or worse ).
Best wishes, it's a difficult situation.
I think I go along with the 'plan a visit but don't let Dad know' theory.
Is there anyone with whom you are in touch who has contact with Dad, to give you some idea of how he is apart from the impression you have formed from phone calls.
It is quite common to find that 2 different pictures emerge from 2 separate points of view (for better
or worse ). Best wishes, it's a difficult situation.
To visit or not to visit
Many thanks to those who replied. As a first time user I'm still finding my way around so bear with me. Dad has fallen out with the relatives who live nearby but has a friend who keeps an eye on him.
Most of you suggested a visit with short notification time and staying somewhere nearby. This was my husband's thought also but he has to find the time from a demanding job.Don't even think of me going on my own-it's 12 hours 'plane and drive and I've got low blood pressure and severe depression at the moment (not looking for a sympathy vote just stating facts. Major problem is that Dad refuses to have any help from anyone:"interfering" and the law in England means that only I have responsibility for him -only child. Because he is mobile(just)and not yet ready for a home there is so little that can be done, especially with his temper and the illness. All very frustrating and at times I'm completely lost and just need to be able to communicate with others in the same, or even worse, boat.
Thanks for listening.
Many thanks to those who replied. As a first time user I'm still finding my way around so bear with me. Dad has fallen out with the relatives who live nearby but has a friend who keeps an eye on him.
Most of you suggested a visit with short notification time and staying somewhere nearby. This was my husband's thought also but he has to find the time from a demanding job.Don't even think of me going on my own-it's 12 hours 'plane and drive and I've got low blood pressure and severe depression at the moment (not looking for a sympathy vote just stating facts. Major problem is that Dad refuses to have any help from anyone:"interfering" and the law in England means that only I have responsibility for him -only child. Because he is mobile(just)and not yet ready for a home there is so little that can be done, especially with his temper and the illness. All very frustrating and at times I'm completely lost and just need to be able to communicate with others in the same, or even worse, boat.
Thanks for listening.
Maud - can I just point that no matter what you might believe, there is no requirement under English law for one adult to be responsible for another adult and in fact, since you do not live in England, you are not the the "nearest relative" under the terms of the mental health act (not that that gives you much anyway).
Edited to add: Also, I don't think anyone is suggesting that this impromptu visit should be a surprise to you - that is: if you need your husband to travel with you, well he can arrange to get away from work. After all, even if your father was all gung ho about a visit from you, you still wouldn't wish to travel on you own so that time off would have to be arranged.
Edited to add: Also, I don't think anyone is suggesting that this impromptu visit should be a surprise to you - that is: if you need your husband to travel with you, well he can arrange to get away from work. After all, even if your father was all gung ho about a visit from you, you still wouldn't wish to travel on you own so that time off would have to be arranged.
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Hi Maud,
Like yourself I am a long distance carer so I do understand exactly how you feel. You obviously need to see your dad and I don't think you will get any peace until you make a decision. Even if that is organising a trip for later in the year when your husband is free to accompany you. If your dad was angry or stressed when you got there (and I also think you should not tell him beforehand) you would see for yourself how things are. What you imagine is usually far worse! Could I ask if he has always behaved like this (you say he has a temper and gets stressed) or if this has occured recently. Could you not contact the friend that keeps an eye on dad as he seems to be the one most likely to know what is going on. I think most of us feel 'lost' a lot of the time so you are in good company. Perhaps this time you need to do what is best for you.
TrichX
Like yourself I am a long distance carer so I do understand exactly how you feel. You obviously need to see your dad and I don't think you will get any peace until you make a decision. Even if that is organising a trip for later in the year when your husband is free to accompany you. If your dad was angry or stressed when you got there (and I also think you should not tell him beforehand) you would see for yourself how things are. What you imagine is usually far worse! Could I ask if he has always behaved like this (you say he has a temper and gets stressed) or if this has occured recently. Could you not contact the friend that keeps an eye on dad as he seems to be the one most likely to know what is going on. I think most of us feel 'lost' a lot of the time so you are in good company. Perhaps this time you need to do what is best for you.
TrichX
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