It's been time to put the theory into practice I'm afraid. Sadly (though also a relief in some ways) my uncle died last night.
I was dreading telling dad. I'd made my mind up to tell him based on what we'd talked about here. But the nh were a bit uncertain about it, and a bit surprised that I was going to tell him. And a bit wary "he's been a bit unsettled today etc" But when they saw I'd made my mind up they were supportive and told the night staff as they were coming on shift so they could be supportive if dad upset or more unsettled after I'd left.
Dad, as ever, surprised me. Because he's deaf and a bit confused, I was really making sure I had his attention: "dad, there's something I;ve got to tell you .." He looked at me, as though I was making a major fuss about nothing and said "well, I think you better just get on and say it". It's always a bit of a lottery talking to dad ... he could just have easily have said "parachuting" or "january" or something that seemed utterly off at a tangent. I reminded him that my uncle had been ill, and then said that he'd died. Dad just said "Oh, well, we were expecting that weren't we?" Talked about death being part of life. He was sad that we'd not been able to visit his brother last week as we'd planned. When I reminded him, he remembered us having send him a card and taking a photo of dad in his new room to show to his brother. He got him a little mixed up with another brother and thought we woudln't be able to go to the funeral because it was too far away, but was keen to go when he realised its only about 70 miles, and started looking forward to an opportunity to see all the family there.
He's amazing sometimes, I didn't think he'd really taken on board that my uncle was so ill, and to honest I've shielded him from it quite a bit. He seemed so lucid for a while talking about that. Then went back to his previous repeated questioning about what time lunch would be (bearing in mind it was 8pm).
It's going to be interesting taking him to the funeral, cos he doesn't realise when he needs to be quiet, or how loud he talks. But he's part of our family, and I guess we'll cope with it