To talk or not to talk.

[Sunshine11!]

I and other family members don’t know how to talk to my darling mum who has Alzheimer’s I’m really struggling with all this as so many of us with loved ones going through this are.
Mum forgets things and doesn’t initiate conversation any more. I phone her every day and have the same conversation every time as she retains seemingly so little. When we go out I try to show her how much I love her by smiles, a hand squeeze or telling her. I don’t know how to talk to my darling mum now

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Sunshine11!

Maybe you are 'talking' by way of the gestures/statements you make when with your mum.

My wife has Aphasia as a side symptom on top of her dementia and this has resulted in her use/comprehension of words slipping away. The end result can be a loss of speech and a growing use of body language. I know my wife appreciates and understands the holding of hands or the giving of a hug, Music is another thing that can bring a reaction and joy from my wife.

I wish you and your mum all the best.

 

[Grannie G]

When our son used to visit his dad they had the same repeated conversation too @Sunshine11!

My son told his dad about his work, the children and how they were doing at school and their shared love of football and their favourite football team.

It`s sad but it maintains contact.

 

[jaymor]

There is a saying, ‘actions speak louder than words’. I think this is true when the stage you are at @Sunshine11! has arrived. You can speak to anyone but those who are special get the smile, the hug, the squeeze of the hand or their hand held. I’m sure all of these actions helped my husband when conversation was no longer a way of communicating.

 

[northumbrian_k]

When I visit my wife I talk about anything, whether it makes much sense or not. A passing butterfly, what someone has done, something from the news. I don't know how much she understands but sometimes I raise a smile or a laugh. Waving my hands about and other exaggerated gestures work. Listening to music on my phone. Just sitting together quietly. Eating sweets and biscuits. And touch. Whatever it takes to establish communication is worth trying.

 

[LynneMcV]

You are doing exactly the right thing @Sunshine11! - smiles, a gentle hand squeeze, saying those special words - it is all communication and reassuring. I used to do the same with my husband when his verbal communication went downhill - body language, little acts of kindness, just being there for them, all say just as much (if not more) as full conversation.

He would smile, squeeze my hand back. Sometimes he would just nod contentedly when I said 'I love you' and sometimes he would whisper those words back. Although it was down to me to initiate all conversations in the end, it worked as a shared experience if I kept my sentences brief and left lots of pauses where we could just be quiet and comfortable together.

 

[Sunshine11!]

Thanks so much for those last few posts, really helps.

 

[MTM]

When I visit my Mum I just witter on. Some days she's bright as a button and we can have conversations about all sorts of things if I can keep her in the moment the right way. Other days she thinks I'm her sister ... she never had a sister ... and believes she's living in her childhood home. I'm not sure she really remembers my dad either. Luckily, so far, she hasn't become as difficult as my Dad but it's still hard to know what to talk about sometimes. She also has this thing where she muddles her words up so what she says isn't always what she means. It means there are days when she can't talk to me because instead of, 'hello' or 'how are you?' she'll say 'gingham!' 'Waterbottle hatstand potato,' etc. Sometimes I can read between the lines. One time she was worried about 'the Children' I realised she wanted me to water the greenhouse.

You're not alone.

 

[Rai]

My mum is in a care home and communication is a big challenge and she is either silent or talks a complete jumble of parts of words and sounds which whilst I don't understand I try to respond to appropriately.

If she's having a quiet day, like others, I try to make general conversation at her about anything that's happened in my day or what I can see around me using as many smiles and positive facial expressions as I can around my mask! In addition when I visit I've taken to taking a big book of 5000 facts with me which I read out to her and then make general chit chat about the subject and what i'm reading out. I think the book is a childrens one but it's really quite interesting and I enjoy the snippets of info! It's certainly not written in childish language. The colourful pictures are also a bonus for showing her and trying to encourage engagement.

Keep going, you're doing great and the fact you're continuing to try and maintaining consistent contact is more important than the words said or not said. It takes incredible strength to do so while battling your own grief.

Best wishes to you and your mum.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Rai
a warm welcome to posting on DTP
such a kind post .... I agree that somehow keeping the contact is what's key, and takes such energy

I love the idea of the book of facts .... your mum is blessed to have you sitting by her

 

[Nice Debbie]

Hello @Sunshine11!

My mum and I can talk for England. Or at least, she used to. Nowadays, it depends how she's feeling. Or which of her different 'worlds' she's in (ie happy or worried or angry or depressed - the house she knows or the house she doesn't recognise anymore).

Don't worry if she asks you the same thing over and over and over. She simply cannot retain the info you give her. Try and be patient and answer with a smile as though it's the first time she's ever asked. She'll pick up on your tone more than your words. Even over the phone.

When my mum's feeling down, I remind her that "it's OK not to be OK sometimes". If I'm there in person, giving a hug, holding hands or a should rub communicates love without words. In other words, you're doing the right thing!

Something that's helped us have conversations was creating a memory book for mum - lots of photos of happy times way back when (that she can remember). Plus a page per week photo diary, with relevant pics to remind her of birthdays with grandchildren, family occasions eg a wedding as well as dogs we had etc. I also share lots of 'On this day' memories that pop up on Facebook. She loves looking through all these and they trigger a happy memory that we enjoy talking about.

So, keep up the non-verbal communication and try talking about the past as much as you can - it's easier for her.

Love and hugs xxx

 

[Trudes]

I and other family members don’t know how to talk to my darling mum who has Alzheimer’s I’m really struggling with all this as so many of us with loved ones going through this are.
Mum forgets things and doesn’t initiate conversation any more. I phone her every day and have the same conversation every time as she retains seemingly so little. When we go out I try to show her how much I love her by smiles, a hand squeeze or telling her. I don’t know how to talk to my darling mum now

Gestures can really help.. at least it does with my hubby- although everyone is different. Best wishes xx

 

[Robbie Rainbow]

I remember being told that it’s not the words you say that are remembered but the way you make them feel is.

 

[Marler19]

My mum can talk for 90 minutes non stop and NONE of it makes sense and mainly I have no idea at all what she is talking about. However it sort of SOUNDS like a conversation and I try to mirror back where I think she is, ie I laugh if it sounds as if she might be saying something funny and say things like ‘oh no!’ Or ‘wow, amazing’ if I decide that’s the sort of response she needs. I think it works for her but on the way out I usually feel quite tired ?!

 

[sjw2004]

I know exactly how you feel. I live 100 miles from my mum. I visit her every week. She lives alone and I phone and speak to her every day. She has a friend who also phones every day. (Her friend also does not live locally) we have the same conversations over and over like a loop.
Mum won't accept help nor that she has Alzheimers.