To My Alzheimer's Mother

[melly]

Hi there
My dear mum has been getting a lot worse recently and I have been finding it really difficult to deal with. A friend at work gave me a book full of true, short stories "Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul" which had a beautiful story which I found I could relate to and thought I would share a paragraph with you:

"This disease has quickly stolen the woman I once knew. She had always taken such an active role in life, and now she sits so still. I read a poem once, 'To my Alzheimer's Mother,' that puts this idea to words beautifully:

Sweet Mother with your bright blue eyes
Seeing you empty - how my heart cries

My mother may not remember all that she did to impact my life, but I have not forgotten. The hardest thing for me is learning to love the mother I have now while still enjoying the memories of who she used to be. I pray for her almost every night, but my prayers have changed. I used to pray, "Lord, let them find a cure." Now I simply ask, "Lord, just let her be happy in her own world, as she made me happy in mine." Sometimes, almost hoping that she will somehow hear me, I whisper, "I love you mum, I miss you" (Sasha Williams)

Even though it makes me cry every time I read these words, it just makes me realise that so many people have the same feelings and I am not alone. I feel very alone at the moment as my dad and sister seem to be able to accept it now, but I just can't. I think it is because I am only 23 and feel I have been robbed of so many precious years that I should have with her. I miss her more than I can put into words...

 

[julieann15]

Hello Melly,
A few lines of hope- I lost both my parents to cancer at 29 within 3 months and then had a baby soon after. Recently I met a great man and at the age of 43 had another baby and "inherited" a new mum.She was the mum I had always imagined my mum to grow into- however my new mum began to become more forgetful and we prompted tests at her request. This was diagnosed as AZ last year and even though she is probably twice the age of your mum I feel for you. Might I recommend you get as much help as you need to cope. I am off to a local meeting tomorrow to find out more- I have had some great advise from this forum so stay with it- I have been in less than a week now and feel so welcome- I have vented my fears/ concerns and someone has already got back to me so soon after posting a thread. This is a great place to get advice- from people who know what we are going through.

Best wishes

Julie

 

[May]

Hello Melly Welcome to TP.

Thank you for sharing such beautiful words with us.

robbed of so many precious years that I should have with her

Yes I agree, and feel I heartsore for you, you have also made me realise how 'lucky' I was in a way to get to twice your age before my Mum started showing symptoms.

makes me realise that so many people have the same feelings and I am not alone.

No, you're not alone, and although you are so young(sorry that's from one of the baby-boomer generation) to have to cope with this dreadful illness I do hope that you will come back to TP, there are wonderful people on here that will always support, help with information or just give a 'virtual' hug when needed.

Take care

 

[Amy]

Hiya Melly,
I was in my early 30's when my mum started with dementia...she didnt get to enjoy her grandchildren...she wasnt there to go shopping with or to have mother/daughter chats...when my own life was in turmoil, she needed me to care for her...buying Mothers Day cards and Birthday cards was so painful.

I dont think I ever learned 'to love the mother I have now while still enjoying the memories of who she used to be.'....the memories just had to be blocked out...and I had to concentrate on loving and caring for mum as she was. Melly you cant change things.....just make the most of what time you do have with mum....she is so very precious.

We all cope in different ways...you say your dad and sister seem to have been able to accept things.....they will just be dealing with it in their own way. It is ok for you to feel sad...you are grieving....but you will be ok. If you think it would help to talk, see your GP and ask for Counselling, and keep talking on here.....we do understand how you are feeling.
Love Helen

 

[helen.tomlinson]

Hello Melly

Your post was very moving and I hope you find this site supportive in such sad times. I've read that book Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul - brilliant. I also note that you have a faith and pray for your mum and for yourself. I too have a faith.

Love to you Melly

Helen

 

[melly]

Thank you

Thank you so much for your kind words of support. My family do not receive any support or help and I am hoping that this will be the place I can turn to when things are tough. I am very frightened about what is coming to us as it is so difficult even now but I suppose it is gradual and will not happen overnight.
Thank you again

 

[Mameeskye]

Hi Melly

I lost my Mum 11 weeks ago to this dreaded illness but your words touched a chord with me.

It takes time to reach an acceptance. For me it probably took over 3 years from when Mum first showed symptoms. I still wasn't ready to lose the woman she became but I had accepted by then that "My Mum" was gone.

It is gradual, but it is such a long period to be in mourning and, with each new loss of ability comes another period of grief.

I was a little older but I have so missed sharing with my Mum the bringing up of my little boys, being able to comiserate with her now in hindsight for what a brat I must have been, missing her advice and love and steadfast support come hell or high water.

I think that this is a common theme that we all have when we lose those we love, just that we lose them with dementia before they are gone.

((((hugs)))

Mameeskye

 

[helen.tomlinson]

Hi Melly

I am scared about what is coming too - very scared at times but I catch myself when I realise I am worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. I really do try to live in the moment and I find things much more manageable that way. I know it will be different for other people but I am sharing with you something of myself. In this way I am able to see all the little good and nice things about my husband. If I was to allow myself to think about the future (even tomorrow) it would cloud today and I know that the todays are always going to be better than the tomorrows.

Love to you

Helen