To move together or seperate?

[astridkenton1]

I am new to this chat room so I hope I am following etiquette
My mother is 92 and is suffering mid stage dementia, currently she is living at home cared for by my father(84) and two carers who visit 5 times per week.
She has incontinence which is managed but Increasingly my father's care is deteriorating in terms of his patience and my mothers memory is fading. She is hard of hearing and is finding it more and more difficult to communicate. She appears to now confuse me with her grandson interms of what we are doing work wise etc. She can walk a few steps but essentially she is wheel chair bound.
It is clear that we are fast approaching a decision point where my mother would go into dementia specialist care ( the timescale probably measured in months). At this stage my father would probably sell up and move to McCarthy and Stone.
There is a possibility that they could both move to McCarthy and Stone if we continue with the carers. This could suit my father.
My question is (given in the medium term my mother will eventually need specialist care) would it be better to move my mother once or if we can manage in McCarthy and Stone twice thus prolonging their time together. My mother would probably want to stay in the family home but this isn't going to work for much longer.

Your views suggestions are welcome

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello and welcome to Talking Point, sad though it is that you need to be here.

It is indeed a tough one but my own thoughts are that a person suffering with dementia really does find it hard to adjust to change. To do this say twice within 12 months seems unfair to her.

Whilst saying this IF the carers are excellent and there is a chance they could cope well into advanced dementia, then it may be the solution to move along with your Father. Other considerations are where the nearest suitable Care Home would be and whether your Father is up to visiting regularly.

If you have not done so already, I suggest your visit some suitable Homes and talk to the Managers - this should influence you a little in your decision. I also think if at all possible you should include your Father in any visits or discussions.

Not easy. I am sure others will be along soon to offer their thoughts.
Best wishes

 

[Delphie]

This is very much my personal opinion, but I'd go for moving just once.

Moving is stressful anyway (there's a list somewhere of major life stresses and moving is definitely on it!) so your father is going to have his own coping to do, and your mum is likely to get 'worse', especially in the short term, because moving and dementia are not a happy mix.

Having her make just the one move, and straight to an environment geared entirely to her needs, will still probably make her extra confused etc., but there will be trained staff on hand 24/7 instead of your dad, already probably a bit frazzled by the changes to his own life.

Also, there is a school of thought that moving people into residential care doesn't have to be left until the last possible moment. Had my mum accepted carers (she didn't!) she very probably would've managed, in a fashion, at home for another year or so. As it was, she went into a care home still able to get to know people, and the carers have now had a good opportunity to get to know her too, which I think is great.

But obviously you know your parents best, so please feel free to ignore me if your head and heart are leaning towards them making the first move together.

 

[astridkenton1]

thank you for your replies would welcome additional thoughts too

thank you for your replies would welcome additional thoughts too

 

[tre]

You say your father's care of your mother is deteriorating because of his patience. Thus it seems that he is already struggling with your mother, albeit with the help of carers, in a place with which she is familiar and in which she wants to remain.
If they move together the likelihood is your mother will be more confused which will add to your father's difficulties rather than ameliorate them.
What does your father want to do?
No-one can tell how this will work out for sure but I think you will be very lucky if things improve for your father if they move together to McCarthy and Stone. Both my dad and my sister-in-law's dad live in McCarthy and Stone developments. Whilst being fine for them, the apartments are quite small, and I would imagine will be much less spacious than the house your parents currently live in. Yes, they are convenient for wheelchair users with large doorways and lifts etc but your mother and father will be together in a much smaller space which might be more difficult for your father as there will be nowhere for him to escape to if your mother tries his patience.
Tre