to move to sheltered or not?

[zed]

We have a dilemma:

Mum has had Alzheimer's for coming up to 3 years now (she's 59). She lives in her own home but we (family) had thought it would be a good idea to move to a sheltered flat where she could be more supported, which she was happy with.

But now we are not sure if this is such a good idea. In her own home she knows her way round both the house and the area, the local people know her, and she has family members very close by.

However if she was in a sheltered I feel she could live there independently for longer, and therefore delay the time when she will inevitably go to full time care. There would be a warden there to look out for her, and the flats would be designed for people with disabilities.

Any opinions?

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Zed,

You really are in a `catch 22` situation.

That your mother is familiar with her own home is very important.

We moved house in 2002. My husband was not diagnosed with Alzheimers until 2005, so we had no idea what was on the horizon. Even though we don`t know whether or not he had Alz. at the time we moved, he found the whole process extremely difficult. He still has to open every cupboard to find a cup and continually questions the building we live in. How did we get here? Do we pay rent? Does anyone else live here? What room iis this? Why are we here? What is this place? I could go on and on.

On the other hand, my husband has me with him 24/7, so I`m here to sort any difficulties. I do not think, at the stage my husband`s at now, he would be accepted in a Warden supervised flat.

If you think your mother would be able to accept the change, then make enquiries.

A middle way would be to get support for her within her home. Home care, meals on wheels, etc. There is also the possibility of day care. That would ease your mind for the short term.

You are the one who knows your mother best and knows what she is most likely to be able to accept. Unfortunately there is no specific solution, only compromise.

I wish you luck. Please keep us informed of your decision and how it works out. It will help anyone else looking for the same solution. Love Sylvia x

 

[zed]

It is so tough getting mum to accept anything! She refused to have meals on wheels, doesn't want strangers coming in to her house. We tried a couple of suport workers visiting but she wouldn't accept the help, and kept going out when they were coming!

The only thing she will accept is her friend coming once or twice a week to clean and generally check up on her - mum used to hire her to come and clean before the demetia, so it is nothing new to her. Her friend is such a great support to her, I don't know where we'd be without her. She also goes to a monthly group for younger people with dementia.

The social worker is organising a couple of days a week at a specialist day centre. At first we called it a social club and she seemed happy with that, but they someone let slip it was a day centre, and she doesn't want to go! We'll have to coax her in to it somehow.

 

[angiec]

Hi Zed, I'm in the same situation, my Mum is 59 and has been going downhill for a couple of years now and was diagnosed about a month ago.
Things are very difficult as I am the only one of my family that can be bothered and as a single mum of two teens with a full time job, well it's a struggle.

A new problem that has cropped up is a young (40) gentleman seems to be taking a great deal of interest in her and how much money she's got and also seems to be avoiding meeting me. I did ask the police what could be done & it's apparently nothing. It's all added stress

She refuses to think there is anything wrong, has gotten quite suspicious of me, and is fairly volatile, total character changes, which also makes things hard.

I will follow your posts as I don't think it will be too long before I have to go the same way.

 

[zed]

Gosh Angie that sounds tough.

There is something you can do about your mum's money: You can apply for Power of Attorney (POA) or Receivership.

For POA it might be tricky if your mum has had personality changes and is now suspicious of you. She has to show in front of a solicitor or an independent witness that she is capable of making financial decisions at this stage. She can then nominate a person or people to be her "attorney" once she is no longer to handle her finances, and then once she is at that stage the nominated person or people will register the POA then will handle all her finances, and she cannot give money away to someone like this man once it is registered.

The problem with this is she has to be well enough to make that decision, and of course choose you!

If she is longer able to make that decision, you can apply to be her receiver through the Public Guardianship office. You need to tell them she is not able to look after her own finances, and ask them to appoint you (or an independent solicitor) to do this. This process sounds more tricky than the POA route. You can read the Alzheimer's Society factsheets on these or call the helpline.

My mum also seems to make gentlemen friends easily. She has had a boyfriend for many years before the dementia, but now she is not able to tell what is appropriate behaviour, and unwittingly gives people the wrong idea. She even went back to a man's house she met at the bus stop. But fortunately she hasn't got herself in to any difficult situations, touch wood. Her boyfriend spends most evenings with her anyway.