My mum lives 300 miles from me and I have a disabled husband too, so emergencies were almost impossible. Fortunately, mum has a friend who popped into see here almost every day and became my eyes and ears. I do not know what I would have done without her.
The biggest problem was that mum refused careworkers and maintained that she did everything herself, which was plainly not true. SS did not assess her face-to-face, but only phoned her up and when she said that she didnt need any help they crossed her off their books.
It was also difficult to phone her as she would often not answer, or she obviously had no concept that it was me at the other end (she would tell me what I was doing despite me constantly saying"yes mum, thats
me!)
If she had accepted careworkers then I think she could have remained in her own home for much longer, but her friend and I were tearing our hair out worrying about what we could do. I knew it would eventually come to a crises and it did. She had a TIA and ended up in hospital. From there she went into a dedicated dementia unit and has stayed there ever since.
Her care home is in the area where she used to live and her friend still takes her to church and WI. Although she does not remember most of she is still comfortable in her surroundings when she goes out. Friends go and visit her (although she no longer knows their names) and I go and visit her every 4-6 weeks and combine it with a little respite for me. Her friend is still my eyes and ears.
It is very difficult when you live at a distance. I just seemed to "muddle through" and before her TIA I was looking at care homes in my area. Now, however, I think that she is better off where she is, although if she never got any visitors apart from me (my 2 children also visit her and it is easier for them to get to where she is now) then I would have continued to try and move her nearer to me.